Top 10 Unintentionally Gay Moments
All these Brokeback Mountain parodies you see all over the web are hilarious. It seems even the most testosterone filled, ass-kicking, "guy movies" can be turned into a homosexual love-fest with a little editing and a touch of soft music. Some films, however, don't need any help. Long before Jake and Heath made angry man-love the cool thing to do, some of Hollywood's biggest stars were flirting with the idea of switch hitting. Thanks goes out to Scottie for lending his favourite gay moment to the list (#6) and the always inspiring Bill Simmons over at Sports Guy's World for his thoughts on #7, which eventually led to the idea for this column.
As much as I love this movie, the ending always seemed a little too romantic. Seeing Red (Morgan Freeman) and Andy (Tim Robbins) gaze into each others eyes as they hurry along the sand to embrace while the tide softly roles in beside them makes you wonder if prison life didn't change them in ways they never talked about.
There isn't really an argument here is there? "Nobody puts Baby in a corner" is the single gayest line of dialogue in the history of film, isn't it? It doesn't help that Johnny (Patrick Swayze) immediately backs this up by twirling around for a couple minutes and then does some sort of uber-homosexual leap of faith off the stage and busts into a solo line dance down the middle of the aisle. Soon, other gay outcasts join in behind him in a perfectly choreographed march for their rights as the crowd can't help but start to boogie.
As if SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER wasn't gay enough, Tony Manero (John Travolta) jumps out of the disco scene into the greatest homo-erotic musical ever created. Still, Tony held on to that last bit of coolness until the very last scene in this film, when this exchange took place. Tony - "You know what I want to do? Jackie - "What?" Tony - "Strut." Cue the Bee Gees and watch Tony as he prances straight out of the closet and into the streets of Manhattan.
Just when you think it's the end of the road for Dalton (Patrick Swayze), Jimmy (Marshall Teague), the mouthy thug that is praying for an ass kicking throughout the movie, says, "I used to fuck guys like you in prison." Awkwardness aside, this is the last thing you want to say to a guy like Dalton who has done nothing but fight in a bar and bang Kelly Lynch for the last hour and a half.
It's almost heartbreaking to watch Han (Harrison Ford) walk out on Luke (Mark Hamill) and his merry bunch of Rebels. Luke tears up as Han uses tough love to get his message across that it's over between them. Of course, we all know Han was just playing hard to get and shows up just in time to get Vader off of Luke's ass in the end. This surprisingly leads to an even gayer moment as the two celebrate a little too much during their reunion.
One of the most quotable films ever made goes out of it's way to end on a very strange and awkward note. Ned (Michael Ontkean) decides he's through fighting and breaks into a impromptu strip tease at center ice. His antics prove heroic though as the sight of his soiled jock-strap drives the opposing team insane and they eventually get disqualified for punching the referee in the back of the head.
I've talked about this numerous times before and I still don't understand. I can look past the ridiculous shirt and singing in the bubble bath, but why in the hell does Sam (Corey Haim) have that sexy poster of Rob Lowe on his closet door? Some things are scarier than vampires. Thanks to I-Mockery.com for the awesome picture. They feel my pain.
The beach volleyball scene in this movie is as gay as it it fake. The five-foot-fuck-all Tom Cruise, oiled from the waist up and spiking the ball while wearing jeans almost makes you forget about Anthony Edwards' moustache. Almost. Unbelievably, things get worse from there.
Wow. I could not stop laughing as I was watching this scene again, years after it pumped my blood in anticipation for the rematch with Clubber Lang (Mr. T). The intense close-up shots on their rippling thigh muscles, Rocky's black half-shirt with matching cloth head band in the gym, those fabulous short shorts. It all adds up to the gayest montage in the history of gay montages.
The incredible lengths Peter Jackson goes to show the bond between this group of beings gets out of control more often than you think. Hours of forbidden undertones are capped off by the spectacular reunion at the end of RETURN OF THE KING. Merry and Pippen join Frodo for a romp in the sack, Sam stares long and hard into the eyes of his companion and Gandalph.... well, I'm not even going to go there.