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01.14.2009by: Jim Law

Top 10 Worst Movie Weapons

I found that picture above just as my buzz was kicking in and have been laughing for seven hours straight. This was after spending half the night trying to come up with a Best Weapons Ten Spot. Realizing everyone who has ever started their own website has done such a list and they basically all contain the same weapons from the same movies, I decided to ditch the idea and started drinking heavily. My wife walked in on me as I was puking all over my Godzilla action figure while shouting obscenities. I explained the situation and she simply suggested I do the opposite, a Worst Weapons Ten Spot, and then packed a bag and left with the kids. She'll be back, I have all her underwear.

10. Sharks w/ Laser Beams on Their Heads - AP: GOLDMEMBER (2002)

If you're going to get frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads you might want to let it out of the tank once in a while. Other than killing one of his henchmen, Dr. Evil's new pets are pretty useless while swimming around their tiny tank. Who knows if these things are even trained to fight the enemy. Release them and they may just go around shooting killer whales and large schools of fish. Think I'm taking this too seriously? Wait until #9.

9. Schwartz Ring - SPACEBALLS (1987)

Imagine every time you unleashed your fake lightsaber you had to submit yourself to an overdone dick joke. While fighting you must make as many dick references as possible and comment on the size and handle of your opponent's weapon (dick). Now that the two spoof movies are out of the way and I've proven my lack of sense of humour for the fantastic and sarcastic, let's move on.

8. Bowler Hat - GOLDFINGER (1964)

Odd Job consistently popped up on all those Best Weapons lists I was talking about earlier and I just don't get it. I don't care how skilled you are, wearing a razor sharp halo around your head is never safe. And what if Mr. Job wanted to just rock out on the weekend in some cargo shorts and a wife-beater? Unless he has trucker-cap and visor versions of this thing he's going to look kind of suspicious. If none of that convinces you of it's stupidity go watch the movie again. Guess how he dies.

7. Umbrellas - BATMAN RETURNS (1992)

Imagine the amount of time and money it took Cobblepot to build this arsenal of trick umbrellas. Batman has just as many, or more, special devices tucked neatly into a badass looking belt. Compact, accessible, discreet, and complementing. Depending on the situation, The Penguin needs to pack 5-10 umbrellas just to be safe and there's still always the chance he mistakenly pulls the "cute one". I guess he's good to go if it rains though.

6. Toon Gun - WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT (1988)

You might want to question using a gun that was a gift from Yosemite Sam since I don't remember ever seeing the little bastard hit anything other than himself on Saturday morning. The real problem here is the bullets. They like to talk a big game but when the time comes to cap somebody's ass the old age sets in and they get lost on the way to the target. I wonder who in Toon Town took these random senile strays in the teeth when they got tired of searching for Doom.

5. Sword w/ Hand Brake - BEOWULF (1999)

It's kind of sad when the more recent animated version of the same story is more believable than this live action dud. It's like they hired everyone that was ever involved with 'Robot Wars' and told them to make cool looking weapons. What we get looks like props from BRAVEHEART welded with the utensil drawer from 'The Iron Chef'. Need more pop-culture references? Think post apocalyptic ROAD WARRIOR type weapons put together by Data from THE GOONIES while high.

4. Dynamo - THE RUNNING MAN (1987)

At one point in this film Dynamo shoots Ben Richards with his "lightning gun" and it doesn't even slow him down. You'd think with all the Lite-Brites and that sweet fibre-optic mohawk Dynamo would cause some sort of electrical threat to our hero. Nope. His pussy jolts barely have enough power to stun the women contestants for a quick rape. He cruises around in his dune buggy while singing opera until he finally meets his end via water sprinkler. This might be the worst villain ever.

3. Stainless Steel Teeth - MOONRAKER (1979)

At least carry a gun or something to slow people down so you can bite them. What kind of super villain hires a henchman that poses no threat other than biting? There's only so many situations that this can be useful, right? Even then, it's not like Jaws is a zombie or anything. There's no infection to be spread or hunger for human flesh, he just bites you and you move on to save the day. He looks scary though, I'll give him that, but there's no way James Bond is getting beaten by a guy that can be defeated by making him chew on a ball of tin-foil.

2. A Mop - THE TOXIC AVENGER (1984)

Shouldn't every cult horror hero have a cool weapon? Shove the symbolism up your ass Toxie and get your giant radioactive hands around an axe, or a chainsaw, or fucking sling-shot for God's sake. Anything would be cooler than shoving a mop into the faces of your fallen foes. If I ever fell into a vat of toxic waste and came out looking like a mud pie I'd just throw myself in front of a bus. So..... props for that, I guess.

1. The Orgazmorator - ORGAZMO (1997)

When I fight bad guys around the city whilst in the cover of my alter ego, Banana Man, I tend to try and not have them come in their pants. I'm not saying it doesn't happen once in a while (Banana Man's costume is very revealing) but it's not your typical finishing move. This is especially scary when you bring it on the set of a porno to do battle with the sleazy underground of adult films. Orgazmo is lucky Peter North wasn't scheduled to shoot that day (pun most definitely intended). There aren't enough batteries in the world for this thing to exist anyway. I wouldn't make it out the front door. Zap. Nap. Zap. Nap.

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