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11.28.2007by: Jim Law

Top 10 Worst Pets in Movie History

Everybody loves the good pets. Lassie, Benji, Flipper - all helped save the day by being smarter than the humans and never seemed to poop. Animals, for the most part, are used as comic relief anymore. A funny tilt of the head coupled with a quizzical whine will get the family dog laughs more often than not. What happens when that dog starts a murderous rampage, leaving nothing but blood and guts on it's way to the domination of our species? That's a bad dog. God help you if you ever bring one of these bastards home from the Humane Society.

10. Mitch - ROAD TRIP (2000)

Consider this a vote for all pet snakes in general because I'm pretty sure this scenario happens to all snake owners at one time or another. How much fun is owning a snake, seriously? You can't play with it due to the fear it might decide to kill you that day, so it just sits in a glass box waiting to be fed while jacking up your electricity bill and radiating a impending feeling of evil throughout the house.

9. Church - PET SEMATARY (1989)

I guess it's not really Church's fault he was reborn the spawn of Satan. He didn't ask to be buried in the magical cemetery that denies Kitty Heaven and thrusts you back into a world that frowns upon your smell and undeadness. All cats are soulless anyway, Church just makes it literal.

8. Amy - CONGO (1995)

Having a pet gorilla might be cool. Having that gorilla learn sign language would definitely be cool. Hooking that gorilla up to a box that talks for her so you can hear every third person reference and random thought she might be thinking via digital audio is not cool. "Amy good gorilla." Yes Amy, I know you're a good gorilla. "But, Amy good gorilla." Shut-up Amy or I'll kill you.

7. Ramon - ALLIGATOR (1980)

After I saw this I tried to flush my dog down the toilet hoping he too would stumble upon some foolishly discarded growth hormone and rise from the depths of the sewer to destroy all that got in his way. I was to call him Dogzilla and his fury was only to be spared for me, the brains behind his brawn. Anyways, he didn't fit.

6. Shady Norwegian Sled Dog - THE THING (1982)

That's right, the next time you're shopping at your local pet store be sure to skip the cage that says "Shady Norwegian" on the front. Actually, if you want to skip to the point, just ask the owner if any of these dogs are of extraterrestrial backgrounds. If you still have to have them, make sure to make an extra stop on the way home for a flamethrower.

5. Ella - MONKEY SHINES (1988)

Helper monkey. It's just funny to say isn't it? What's not funny is when your helper monkey starts linking with you telepathically and acts out all of your deepest feelings of rage and revenge. I'd just want it to get me a beer once in a while and maybe dress up like a clown and do a little dance when I'm having sad time. Just writing that last sentence brought a smile to my face.

4. Ben - WILLARD (2003)

When keeping a rat the size of a small dog as a pet, make sure there's no superiority complex involved. Also, try not to train him to eat people. This could come back to bite you in the ass. Ha! Follow these rules and you, Big Ben, and the continuously growing horde of rodents you somehow have mind control over will lead a happy and fulfilling life. And you're crazy.

3. Max - MAN'S BEST FRIEND (1993)

I wanted to put Max even higher on the list but started thinking he was too damn cool to be considered bad. For example, having a genetically-engineered dog fighting for your affections isn't the worst thing in the world. Swallowing cats whole is always a plus in my book and the super speed and jumping ability would be great for picking up ladies at the park. Now, the acid-urine is going to be a problem somewhere down the line and don't even think about rubbing his nose in it. A couple steroid laced milk bones a night and some tummy scratching and everything should be fine.

2. Cujo - CUJO (1983)

I've been trying to justify to myself why Cujo is worse than Max for the past hour. Other than the bloody fur and extremely bad case of eye-snot, I guess it just comes down to this - Cujo doesn't give a f*ck. Pull into his driveway and you're dead. Get out of your car to stretch and you're dead. The phone rings inside the house and has nothing to do with you being there, you're dead. Cujo is a f*cking psycho, yo, and he needs no genetically altered persona to help him decide to kill you.

1. Gizmo - GREMLINS (1984)

Hear me out before the onslaught begins. Follow the rules and everything should be fine right? No bright light, no water, no food after midnight. So the thing can't go out during the day or into any well lit room whatever the time is, never drinks anything or washes, and, assuming you're in the right time zone, is to be kept away from anything it can fit in it's mouth between the hours of midnight to whenever. How do you expect these rules not to be broken? Is the cute fuzziness worth what we already know? Hundreds of mutated versions running rampant through your streets like drunk children on speed. I don't have the responsibility for something like this and would most definitely end the world should I ever acquire one. If he was so easy to take care of don't you think those two little movies he starred in would have sucked?

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