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11.18.2009by: Jim Law

Top 12 Coolest Vampires

If I was undead, who would I want to hang around with? That's the way I had to approach this bitch. The last thing I want for my afterlife is to be hanging out with Edward Cullen at an all-ages nightclub dancing to that ridiculous new 'Fireflies' song while he bounces his sparkle off the disco ball. Fuck that. And fuck him. I have never been so confused as to the popularity of a movie character. I don't care if you're a horny little teenage girl, a lonely soccer-mom, goth, or gay - dude looks like a mildly upset SpongeBob SquarePants character that's constantly trying to break free of the industrial strength plastic-wrap that covers his face. Let's just get started before I lose my focus.

12. Marlow - 30 DAYS OF NIGHT

I wouldn't understand a single thing he said but that doesn't change the fact that this dude fronted the smartest secret vampire mission of all time. At least until Josh Hartnett punched right through his face. He's got good hair too.

11. Miriam - THE HUNGER

I picture us just hanging out at fashion shows every night and trying to decide which hottie we're going to trick into a threesome by promising eternal life. She might be a little too high-end for me though and I'd always be afraid she'll put an end to me if I farted in front of her or something. Do vampires fart?

10. Prince Mamuwalde - BLACULA

African Royalty that once threw hands with Dracula and now rocks the Los Angeles nightlife. I'm down, as long as I get my own cape. Dude is a little too pussy-whipped for me though. Quit obsessing over chicks that look like your dead wife, shave your cheekbones, and try eating a few white women. And get me my cape.

9. Selene - UNDERWORLD

You could dress a mime in all leather, fill his mitts with a couple automatic weapons, and have him fight werewolves and they would be cool as fuck. Now, replace that mime with a vampire, who just happens to be one of the hottest women on the planet, and you've got yourself a level of coolness that is incomprehensible for any human not named Fonzie.

8. Razor Charlie - FROM DUSK 'TILL DAWN

His name alone moved him up 3 or 4 spots. His leather vest moved him down 1 or 2. Few bartending gigs are rewarding as this one. Sure, you have to deal with hordes of bikers and truckers being assholes for most of the night but then Salma Hayek gets on stage and uses a python as a stripper pole and last call means you get to eat everybody.

7. Blade - BLADE

There's vampires, and then there's ninja vampires that can survive sunlight. Which would you rather be? Me and the Bladester would totally rule the streets, him with his swords and funky-fresh haircut and me with my pasty belly and a drinking problem. Blade hates me.

6. Jerry Dandridge - FRIGHT NIGHT

How does a vampire get such a perfect tan? Mix that with the fact that this dude rolls with a wardrobe straight off the 'Miami Vice' lot, sports Hasslehoff-level hair, moves like a prowling Billy Dee Williams on the dance floor, and has macktastic interior decorating skills that would make Larry Dallas and Glenn Quagmire jealous, and you've got the role model for many a douche in the eighties.

5. Santanico Pandemonium - FROM DUSK TILL DAWN

It should be no surprise that when the main man himself, JoBlo, suggested I do this list, this was one of the names he hoped I would consider (threatened me with my job if I didn't include her). I didn't really need that much convincing though. It's Salma fucking Hayek in a bikini doing a sexy dance with a snake before eating Quentin Tarantino's throat and kicking the shit out of George Clooney in the middle of Hollywood's most epic bar brawl. I guess that's pretty cool.

4. Jan Valek - VAMPIRES

Most vampires like to hide from those who'd like to kill them. Valek kicks the door in at a slayer keg party and tells them to get in line as he feeds each and every one of them their own dicks. One of the greatest ass-kickings in cinematic history. Imagine this guy showed up in Sunnydale? He would have walked straight into Buffy's Geography class and skull-fucked her senseless as Angel watched from the window like a little bitch.

3. Dracula - DRACULA

There's a certain confidence that comes along with being Dracula. One that allows you to walk the streets in the late 1800s like a flourishing pimp and the abilty to pick Winona Ryder's cleavage out of a crowd and make it yours. The castle, shape-shifting, and eternal life also play a part here. This guy must have the greatest pick-up lines of all time.

2. Severen - NEAR DARK

Imagine, just for a second, if Sev wandered into the TWILIGHT universe and decided he wanted to tap Bella's ass. Team Edward shows up and declares a vampire duel for her honor. And this is when it happens - the moment multiple generations of vampire fans get their genre back. And maybe that new generation of fans get to find out about fangs as Sev treats himself to a Cullen family buffet.

1. David - THE LOST BOYS

A vampire Jack Bauer? Things don't get much cooler than that. here's a typical night when me and Dave become best friends. Hang out in our underground hotel cave where we pound a couple bottles of vintage blood and wolf down some maggots. Head over to the nearest bridge, jump off and fly around town pissing on locals. Land on our motorcycles and crash the nearest party to eat high school boys and bang their girlfriends. Eat their girlfriends for dessert. Punch random police officers in the face and make Corey Feldman shit himself. Tease some half-vampires by making them think they'll have cool trench-coats like us one day and then call it a night after killing a couple hookers and flying into the ocean to wrestle with sharks. That's the plan, anyways.

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