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01.28.2009by: Jim Law

Top 12 Suicides That F*cked Me Up

I wanted to call this "My 12 Favourite Movie Suicides" until I started thinking about the scenes and my uncontrollable cringing set it. It's never a satisfactory result when some random character offs themselves. The evil dude does it and you think he's getting off easy. The hero does it and you feel like someone just killed your dog. Below are some of the hardest scenes I've ever had to sit through (except for the honourable mention). To narrow it down I've left off characters that were on the verge of dying before they handled it themselves. This knocked off some classic scenes in ALIENS, PREDATOR and IN BRUGES just to name a few. So sit back and enjoy your super-sized collection of death. I know I didn't. MAJOR SPOILERS!!!

Honourable Mention: Hanging Lady - AIRPLANE! (1980)

There's no way I'm getting through an article about suicides and not mentioning this. It didn't "fuck me up" as the title suggests but it did leave me laughing for years afterward. You don't know how many times this scene has popped into my head while talking to the rednecks at work or listening to stories about people's kids and how advanced they are. It's the main reason I carry a noose in my wallet.

12. Evan - THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT: DIRECTOR'S CUT (2004)

Seeing a woman losing a baby is hard enough to watch. The fact that said baby is knowingly trying to kill himself by wrapping the umbilical cord around his throat in order to save those he loves a lifetime of pain and suffering doesn't make things easier. I didn't realize how wrapped up in this film I was until I got to the ending and it felt like someone punched me in the gut. Fuck you Kelso.

11. Thelma and Louise - THELMA & LOUISE (1991)

At no point during this movie did I think the fun-loving escapades of these two anti-heroines would end with them driving off a cliff to their death. Sure, I thought they'd get caught, but due to confusing women mind trickery and other female abilities I don't fully understand yet they were destined to walk free of any charges and continue on their milfy ways. Nope. Mangled bloody corpses rotting at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. It just warms the heart.

10. Brooks - THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION (1994)

Wow, this one really kicked me in the left nut (that's the one that makes me cry). Seeing Brooks struggle on the outside was depressing enough, watching him slowly sway back and forth on that banister was call for a twenty second timeout to the bathroom (that's where I go to be sad, and to poop). He might as well have carved "Brooks was here" into my brain because it was an image that refused to leave me for months.

9. Jeff - HARD CANDY (2005)

This one bothered me for different reasons. 1) I wanted him to get caught and deal with the kind of courtesy a murdering pedophile might receive in prison, 2) Hayley's last line made me think he didn't kill himself (I now truly believe he did), and 3) I don't fully believe he would've went through with it. A man that tries desperately to hide any evidence of wrongdoing gets bullied into hanging himself off his own roof by a vengeful teenager that looks to be 12. If anything wouldn't he have just choked her out right there on the roof and started all over again?

8. Neil - DEAD POETS SOCIETY (1989)

I understand you want to be an actor. I know the threat of military school sucks. Having a Harvard education to break you into a solid medicinal career sounds crazy-awesome but just isn't for you. Dads can suck sometimes, I get it. When I was a kid I found a copy of Daredevil #1 for $50 and quickly scooped it up. My dad marched me back into the store screaming at the salesman for ripping off a little kid and made me return it. It's worth over $3,000 now. But I never went looking for his gun to blow my brains out.

7. T800 - TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY (1991)

As a rule I would never cry during an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. This cheesy thumbs up and a blubbering John Conner didn't make it easy to follow that rule. I mean the guy is a robot, and he's doing it to preserve mankind. I just sat through, arguably, the greatest action film ever made and watched Arnie beat down one of the greatest villains to ever grace the screen. I should be bouncing off the walls and punching random people on the street. Instead I sit and continuously scratch that itch in my eye and then head for the bathroom.

6. Father Karras - THE EXORCIST (1973)

Taking a page out of the "What to Do When You Get Possessed by a Demon" handbook, Karras opts for the window over killing the little girl. This is a very important page. When they remake this film (and they will, count on it) I wonder what new and exciting way they'll have this character off himself. Perhaps there's a CGI Pazuzu in the mix or a some sweet sort of spontaneous combustion set to the hard rocking ways of Daughtry. Whatever it is I'll be looking for the nearest window.

5. Deputy Dodd - THE DEAD ZONE (1983)

This one just flat out made me puke in my own lap. Imagine what it would take to prop up a pair of scissors on the edge of your bathtub and slam your face onto them. If I woke up tomorrow and realized I was actually Hitler, found out I assassinated John Kennedy, and had a tattoo on my chest that said "I went down on Louie Anderson and loved it" I still couldn't bring myself to do this. Bathtubs scare me.

4. The Nanny - THE OMEN (1976)

I'm pretty sure my fifth birthday party was spent eating cake and watching 'The Dukes of Hazzard' with my dog, Peppy. Damien, the spoiled little twat he is, had clowns, actual friends, cute little ponies, and he even got his nanny to hang herself in front of all his guests. Not sure how popular he was at school the next day but if I was on that invite list I would have starting saving for next year's gift right away.

3. Nick - THE DEER HUNTER (1978)

I struggled with including this because I didn't know if it officially counts as suicide. Did he know the gun would go off (Michael seemed to)? Was he even trying to win the game? Was he just playing to eventually kill himself? Did that hurt? It looks like it hurt. Whatever the case, Nick has nobody to blame but himself. The number one seed in Russian Roulette is going to be upset more often than not. I was once ranked 32nd until I hurt my knee.

2. Pvt. Pyle - FULL METAL JACKET (1987)

Never have I so quickly went from laughing at a character to being absolutely petrified of him. Pyle goes from the lovable fat guy to the psychotic murdering nut-job before we're halfway through the movie. I have less disturbing images in my worst nightmares which, ironically, almost always include Vincent D'Onofrio in his underwear and a toilet.

1. 54 High School Girls - SUICIDE CIRCLE (2002)

What starts as happy fun-time while waiting for a train turns into a bloody pile of ponytails and knee-high skirts. All 54 of these girls jump in front of the oncoming train as other awaiting passengers get sprayed with their innards. The first girl they show has her head explode all over the screen and I almost pass out. Why are Japanese movies so fucked up? And why do I love them so much?

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