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02.17.2006by: Jim Law

Top 15 Action Heroes

I tried my hardest to come up with some sappy sentimental top ten list in honour of Valentines Day. Then I realized I'm about as romantic as a first date fart. I was going to try listing the best cinematic kisses, but couldn't recall any that didn't involve lesbians. I hate myself. To make up for my lack of a heart I decided to dish out 15 of the greatest ass kickers of all time. You can have your candle light dinners and snuggle sessions all you want this week, just remember there's a time in life when everyone just wants to blow shit up and shoot bad people in the face repeatedly. I love you all.

15. Ethan Hunt - MISSION IMPOSSIBLE (1996)

I watched this movie four times (in a row) before I truly understood what the hell was going on. The bad part was that I couldn't get that freaking awesome theme song out of my head. I'd be humming it when I was searching for the remote control. Random trips to the basement became highly secretive spy missions. Things ended badly when I tried to make a sandwich in the kitchen without touching the floor. The ceiling fan has never been the same.

14. The Bride - KILL BILL (2003)

To be fair, anyone with a yellow jump suit and a sword hand made by Sonny Chiba would automatically be inserted into this list. The fact that she can destroy a room full of masked Asian people all by herself only makes things sweeter. The only down side of being this bad ass - what if she's wrestling with her daughter one day and accidentally delivers the "five-point palm exploding heart technique"? That would suck.

13. El Mariachi - DESPERADO (1995)

He sings, he dances, and in between killing many a Mexican, he bangs Salma Hayek. Action hero indeed. This movie blew me away when I first saw it and made two things very clear for the rest of my life. 1) Antonio Banderas is cooler than me, and 2) people carrying guitar cases should always be considered sneaky and extremely dangerous.

12. Dutch - PREDATOR (1987)

If this guy was real there would be world peace. Dutch and his team of commandos would fly country to country ridding the world of destructive assholes and smoking cigars. Think I'm kidding? Watch as he goes toe to toe with a seven foot alien and then walks away from a nuclear explosion with nothing more than a limp at the end of this movie and then ask me if I'm kidding. I'm not, by the way.

11. John Preston - EQUILIBRIUM (2002)

The action - wiping out an entire race of dicks who want to keep the world from experiencing their own emotions. The hero - doesn't like killing dogs. This movie needs to be more popular than it is. Think THE MATRIX with a plot that stays on track and then substitute in Batman for Ted Logan. Booyah!

10. Neo - THE MATRIX (1999)

Being Neo isn't really fair since he can upload all the necessary qualities of a true action hero in a matter of seconds. But I guess going from computer hack to the most important individual to the existence of mankind is what makes him so popular with all the chicks. It really is all about the skills. I once got a quintuple combo on Bejeweled. What's that get me?

9. Luke Skywalker - STAR WARS (1977)

Going back and watching the original trilogy has made me very aware of the fact that Luke gets no respect. Han Solo does nothing but fly around in a giant ship, gets pussy whipped by Leia, captured by Vader, frozen, captured by Jabba, and then captured by Ewoks. Luke trains his ass off, destroys the Death Star, Kills Jabba and saves everybody in the process, makes out with his sister, and helps kill his dad. We just need to work on that form above

8. Murphy - ROBOCOP (1987)

Living across the river from Detroit, I know that all their police folk should be considered heroes. But not all of them have been shot to pieces by a street gang and then reborn as a giant crime fighting robot-man, yet. Too bad he wasn't around for the Super Bowl - he could of done everyone a favour by finally killing The Rolling Stones backstage.

7. Ripley - ALIEN (1979)

"Get away from her, you bitch!" could be the greatest line of dialogue to ever come from the action genre. It made you want to stand up and kick the living fuck out of anyone within reach. I watched it last night and ended up throwing my dog through a window. This bitch is so tough, killing herself doesn't even slow her down. In fact, it somehow made her better.

6. Rambo - FIRST BLOOD (1982)

This is what happens when you screw with the wrong guy. If this was me, after being driven out of town by the sheriff I would of found the nearest bar, drank until the humiliation went away, hit on a few bar stools, and then cried myself to sleep on the pool table. Rambo killed the town. See the difference here?

5. John McClane - DIE HARD (1988)

This guy was Jack Bauer before it was cool to be Jack Bauer. Whether it was playing hide and seek in a skyscraper, blowing up planes, or a friendly game of Simon Says on the streets of New York, McClane always seems to emerge from disgruntled cop to terrorist ass kicker in the blink of an eye. Somebody get this guys resume to CTU.

4. Lee - ENTER THE DRAGON (1973)

One of the most influential action movies ever made and the main guy never even picks up a gun. He does, however, pick up some Nunchaku and whoop some major ass. It's mind boggling to think of how popular Bruce Lee would have been had he not died before it was released. Put every one of these characters in a giant royal rumble of hand to hand combat (watch out for Robocop's secret gun) and this is my pick to walk away. This next guy might be a little tough though.

3. T-800 - TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY

He was great as a villain but even better as the hero. There's few better choices for a bodyguard when you're the key human representative after the world destroys itself. Invincibility is always a good attribute to have in your pet action hero. I wish Marty and Doc would have warned us about this shit.

2. James Bond - Dr. NO (1962)

The only character that does so much shit he's worn out five actors with a sixth on the way. He gets all the toys, all the women, and rarely loses his cool. Will we ever see an end to this franchise? With a fan base that expects to see new actors play the lead every few movies and an endless amount of stories to tell, Bond movies could be around until the end of time. A prediction - 25 years from now there will be a James Bond channel right down the dial from the Godzilla channel.

1. Indiana Jones - RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981)

Take your everyday fedora-wearing archaeologist with a pissy attitude towards snakes and throw him into the world's greatest adventures and sure enough, you'll get the world's greatest action hero. While the stories might be a little far fetched, Indy has always seemed real. He looks tired. He gets pissed off. He's always screwing things up. Things like his make him easy to relate to, even though he's doing it while fighting Nazis and I do it while trying to buckle my seatbelt. In case you're keeping track of the actor math at home - James Bond is the father of Indiana Jones who once had a relationship with Ellen Ripley and is best friends with Luke Skywalker. Peace.

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