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Live Oscar blog!

02.22.2009

You asked for it, you got it! The JoBlo.com live Oscar blog returns! OK... no one really asked for it but we're bringing it to you anyway! I've got the tequila shots out of the way and I'm determined to plow through this entire bloated affair (and speaking of bloated, I can't promise I won't fall asleep during the Jerry Lewis tribute). There are supposedly big changes to the ceremony this year so hopefully that'll get me to bed somewhere before midnight. I'm juiced and ready to go! Now just 25:32 left of red carpet horseshit until the ceremony begins!

Full list of Oscar winners / Red Carpet photos /
2009 movie preview clips / C'mon Hollywood: Oscar Wrap-Up

8:10 - After being asked if he's wearing a "Saturday Night Live" suit (instead of SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER), Mickey Rourke almost cries already when asked about late dog. I can only imagine what'll happen if he wins.

8:12 - Robert Downey, Jr. says SHERLOCK HOLMES is gonna be "damn swell." Helluva salesman!

8:15 - It's Miley!

8:16 - In case you're curious, Angelina Jolie is Miley's "favorite person, like, of all-time." I heard Miley has a vial of Joe Jonas' blood around her neck.

8:17 - There is just so much retarded shit going on that I can't type fast enough to keep up with it.

8:18 - Speaking of retarded shit, it's a TV spot for KNOWING!

8:21 - They're even talking about what the accountants are wearing. Oy vey.

8:22 - Meryl Streep's daughter is hawt.

8:23 - Salma > Penelope Cruz.

8:23 - Richard Jenkins says people shout "Dick!" at him. Because of...his...name?

8:24 - Why is Jack Black the only one who looks like he's having fun? (PS - it's because he was at the bar.)

8:28 - That was actually relatively painless. But now the real endurance test begins....

8:30 - And we're off! Sparking crystal! Hugh Jackman! The band's on stage instead of being stuck down in that pit!

8:32 - Robert Downey, Jr. gives himself a round of applause. Love that guy.

8:33 - Before we can make the joke, Hugh brings up the fact that he is at the Oscars hosting and not nominated. Now he's singing into a pizza box. Now singing about excrement while on bended knee in front of Kate Winslet. I'm not making this up.

8:35 - Hugh sings about THE DARK KNIGHT not getting nominated. And now about pubic hair. I swear I'm not making this up.

8:36 - Anne Hathaway is nominated for Best Actress but her acting in this on stage skit with Hugh is horrible.

8:38 - OK that bit about no one having seen THE READER was the funniest thing so far.

8:39 - Is that the Oscar or Dr. Manhattan?

8:40 - Philip Seymour Hoffman wears a hat to the Oscars.

8:42 - They could probably cut the Oscar running time down if they stop running clips from previous Oscar ceremonies...

8:43 - A round-up of Best Supporting Actress Oscar winners past are on hand to present the first award.

8:44 - The lack of podiums distresses me.

8:45 - OK this is bizarre. Instead of the traditional showing of the nominee's clip, each former winner is going through the nominees and talking about them. I liked those clips. Me = sad.

8:47 - Goldie Hawn struggles to say "Taraji." This is going to take forever. FOR...EVER.

8:48 - Penelope Cruz wins for VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA. Meanwhile I just realize that Tilda Swinton has the same haircut I had when I was in the 8th grade. Long on top, shaved underneath.

8:50 - "I...grew up...in a place..." Hoh boy. I'm gonna be blogging well into Monday.

8:51 - Potty break!

8:53 - DIE HARD is on right now. DIE HARD is on and this is what I'm doing...

8:54 - Steve Martin and Tina Fey are comedy geniuses.

8:55 - Steve Martin fucks with Scientology at the Oscars. Classic.

8:56 - Best Adapted Screenplay. WALL-E gets screwed again for MILK wunderkind Dustin Lance Black. He deserves it, I'm just a little WALL-E bitter.

9:00 - SLUMDOG wins Best Adapted Screenplay. He has his notes seemingly scrawled on a ripped piece of gold foil.

9:03 - Jack Black gets to present the award for Best Animated Movie for which his movie KUNG FU PANDA is nominated. Not fair. But Jack has the best joke of the night, on how he makes so much money on animated films: "I do a DreamWorks movie, take the money, come to the Oscars and bet it all on Pixar." Even Jeffrey Katzenberg has to laugh.

9:05 - I'll bet you didn't think you'd see a SPACE CHIMPS clip at the Oscar this year...

9:06 - Jack Black mockingly cheers WALL-E when it's announced as the winner. What a good sport. Sadly Andrew Stanton, for all his creative genius, is not nearly as funny. Dude is pissed about that lack of Best Picture nomination.

9:08 - Can Pixar go 2/2 with a Best Animated Short win? Nope. A French short by an Asian director wins. While I struggle mightly to resist from making a "sank you" joke, the guy has enough self-awareness to end his speech with "domo arigoto, Mr. Roboto." Well played random guy.

9:15 - I had no idea Sarah Jessica Parker's boobs were so big. I hardly notice the giant mole...

9:18 - BENJAMIN BUTTON wins for Best Art Direction and David Fincher is referred to as a wonderful human being. Jake Gyllenhaal would disagree.

9:20 - Why are they telling us the nominees twice? They go through each one and then say "And the nominees are?"... I swear they hate us.

9:21 THE DUCHESS, as you might expect from a period drama, wins. His first "thank you" is oddly enough the woman who did the music for the film. Ooookay...

9:23 - This is now the third award presented by Daniel Craig and Sarah Jessica Parker. I am hypnotized by her almost perfectly circular breasts. Perfectly...circular....

9:24 - THE DARK KNIGHT gets its second snub of the night and curiously (pun intended), it's again beaten by BENJAMIN BUTTON for Best Makeup. Wasn't the rumor that Heath Ledger applied the Joker makeup himself?

9:26 - Oh fuck. That guy from TWILIGHT. Introducing a montage about romance set to Coldplay. GHEY.

9:28 - THE INCREDIBLE HULK has now been shown twice in this montage. Is that where we're at with romance movies? That a movie about a man who turns into a green monster is among the most romantic of the year?

9:31 - Natalie Portman. Om nom nom nom.

9:32 - Ben Stiller as Joaquin Phoenix is classic. "You look like you work at a Hasidic meth lab."

9:34 - The camera is supposed to be focused on the screen showing clips but it keeps having to pan back to Stiller to explain why the audience is cracking up (he's wandering around the set looking dazed).

9:35 - SLUMDOG wins Best Cinematography. Dude sports a bitchin hankie in his tux pocket.

9:37 - Jessica Biel... Technical and Scientific Awards... Funny comments? I got nothin.

9:42 - Judd Apatow directs a short with the characters from PINEAPPLE EXPRESS. They're cracking up at THE READER. This is pretty hilarious.

9:46 - "Why is there a film crew in my apartment?"

9:47 - Seth and James Franco are joined on stage by Janusz Kaminski to present Best Live-Action Short. Judd Apatow should produce next year's Oscars...

9:48 - Seth absolutely cracks up at Franco's pronunciation of winner "Spielzeugland".

9:50 - They're not shamelessly promoting the Best Supporting Actor award coming up are they?

9:52 - Oh no. My musical number Spidey sense is tingling. A Hugh Jackman/Beyonce duet. To "You're the One That I Want" from GREASE. I told you before, I'm NOT making this up.

9:55 - Hugh Jackman, Beyonce and the cast of HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL singing and dancing to a marching band version of "Mamma Mia." Please refer to the last sentence of my last post.

9:59 - The Oscars are designed to celebrate excellence in the film industry...as they cut to a commercial of a Ryan Reynolds/Sandra Bullock romantic comedy.

10:02 - Here it is TDK fans. Best Supporting Actor.

10:03 - After BOAT TRIP, Cuba Cooding, Jr. is miraculously allowed back to the Oscars.

10:04 - Alan Arkin refers to one of the nominees as Seymour Philip Hoffman.

10:04 - Robert Downey, Jr. deserves better than Cuba Gooding, Jr. introduction. Cuba is reminding the audience why he hasn't done a damn thing since JERRY MAGUIRE. I haven't seen someone fall on their face like this since a fourth grade roller skating party.

10:07 - And the winner is...Heath Ledger. As expected, the late actor gets a standing ovation.

10:08 - Heath's father speaks at the podium and almost everyone in attendance looks like they're going to cry.

10:09 - OK this is just fucking sad.

10:11 - "We proudly accept on behalf of your beautiful Matilda." :(

10:12 - Holy shit that guy's teeth!! Alright, that officially cheered me up. That MFer, shown during the nominees for Best Documentary, had summer teeth. Some 'er here, some 'er there...

10:14 - Bill Maher is onstage and has to try and be funny after everyone is dabbing their eyes. Lucky his shameless self-promotion of his own documentary wouldn't have been funny no matter when he was on.

10:15 - MAN ON WIRE wins. The Man on Wire rushes up to stage with his aviator scarf on. And does a magic trick. Then balances the Oscar on his chin. I AM NOT MAKING THIS....nevermind.

10:18 - SMILE PINKI wins for Best Documentary Short. Sadly my documentary short, STINKY PINKY, has yet to find a distributor.

10:22 - Don't know if you saw it in your neck of the woods but that Jimmy Kimmel promo in Tom Cruise was pretty good.

10:25 - Isn't it just all kinds of geek awesome that IRON MAN and THE DARK KNIGHT can go up against each other for Best Visual Effects?...

10:26 - ...And then get beaten by THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON. That's thrice now that BB has but the Button Beat Down on TDK.

10:28 - Will Smith drops a "Boom goes the dynamite" reference at the Oscars.

10:29 - THE DARK KNIGHT wins for something not Ledger related! Best Sound Editing! Take what you can get, I guess...

10:31 - It's past 10:30 and we haven't even gotten to Jerry Lewis yet. Urge to sleep...rising.

10:32 - SLUMDOG wins Best Sound Mixing. But look in the background. Who let Lurch on the stage? "You raaaaang?"

10:33 - Will Smith about to present his fourth award. Best Editing. SLUMDOG wrecking shop. Dev Patel is pumped.

10:37 - "A tribute to Jerry Lewis when we return!" Somewhere Professor Frink is on the edge of his seat.

10:42 - Eddie Murphy comes out to present Jerry an award. A highlight reel. People sat through this shit? And laughed? With him? Flaaaven indeed...

10:46 - I take that back. Jerry keeps it short and sweet and I thank him for it.

10:53 - A double shot of Zac Efron at the Oscars as he presents Original Score with Alicia Keys. Ben Stiller is ushered off-stage but Zac Efron returns for a double dip. And now he's presenting another award. Is my 12-year-old niece producing this show?

10:58 - John Legend steps in to fill in for Peter Gabriel (who opted not to attend) to sing the Oscar nominated song "Down to Earth." Strangely the SLUMDOG dancers are still twirling around behind him.

11:00 - There's now an Indian babe on stage singing who is ten kinds of hot. Me likey.

11:01 - Phew! Zac Efron is back! "Jai Ho" wins and I've lost track but SLUMDOG has an assload of Oscars at this point.

11:03 - Stay with me folks. If you're anything like me, the eyes are starting to get a little droopy. Together we can conquer this thing.

11:11 - Queen Latifah is going to sing our way through "In Memorium"?

11:12 - Wow I forgot Bernie Mac died. And Roy Scheider too. Man I have a terrible memory.

11:14 - Man some talented people died this year.

11:16 - They didn't show Heath Ledger, which is gonna be some major controversy.

11:19 - SLUMDOG continues to dominate as Danny Boyle wins for Best Director. He promised his kids he would accept the award as Tigger from "Winnie the Pooh" so he starts hopping up and down. His daughters, BTW, are pretty cute.

11:22 - Danny thanks Warner Bros. for passing the film to Fox Searchlight who promoted it all the way to Oscar glory and I can't tell if he's joking, being serious or what.

11:25 - I like that Shirley MacLaine had the balls to say "I deserve this," when she won.

11:26 - Sophia Loren = GGILF?

11:27 - Shirley has gone way off script. This blatant ass-kissing from former winners is incredibly self-indulgent even for the Oscars.

11:29 - Have I mentioned my newfound love for Lil Streep? I have? Can I mention it again? To her? In person?...

11:32 - Kate Winslet wins much to the dismay of me who wanted to see more of Meryl Streep's daughter. And Winslet promised no more nudity if she won. NOOOOOO!

11:33 - Me > Amy Adams' husband.

11:35 - Kate is so excited she just said "Thank you so much!" and I swear it came out as "Fuck you so much!"

11:37 - Adrien Brody looks like Ben Stiller trying to look like Joaquin Phoenix.

11:39 - De Niro came wonderfully prepared while the rest of these guys - Brody, Anthony Hopkins, Michael Douglas and Ben Kingsley - seem like they're making it up on the fly.

11:42 - How does that dick from TWILIGHT get a seat right behind Mickey Rourke? He's got a closer row than Tina Fey!

11:43 - I love Mickey and I would've been happy if he won but Sean Penn wins and deserves it. And then calls the crowd "homo-loving."

11:45 - Sean gives Mickey a special shout out from the podium. They're boys and don't you forget it.

11:48 - And out comes Spielbergo to cap off the evening with Best Picture! (Hint: it won't be KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL.)

11:53 - And the Oscar goes to SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE. Let's put this puppy to sleep. And by this puppy, I mean me. It's not midnight yet and for that I'm eternally grateful. The cast of SLUMDOG is rushing the stage. It's a party. Hugh wants to wrap things up. No one wants to leave.

11:56 - Wait, what's this? Previews of 2009 movies coming up. But I was almost sleeping... SHERLOCK, FUNNY PEOPLE, TAKING OF PELHAM, PUBLIC ENEMIES, JULIE & JULIA, THE SOLOIST, UP, FAME (??), TERMINATOR SALVATION, 500 DAYS OF SUMMER, AMELIA, WHATEVER WORKS, INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS, NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 2, MONSTERS VS. ALIENS, HARRY POTTER, ANGELS AND DEMONS, OLD DOGS, ICE AGE 3, THE BOAT THAT ROCKED, AN EDUCATION, STATE OF PLAY, IMAGINE THAT, G-FORCE.

11:59 - It's fitting that the last thing we see is a computer generated gerbil flying at the screen. And that's it. That's all. Thanks for sticking around. We'll have much more on JoBlo.com tomorrow morning. PTFO.

Source: JoBlo.com

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