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Movie Jail: This week's defendant is...Jessica Biel!

08.10.2015

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This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity* and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.

The Defendant

Jessica Biel

The Case

The Prosecution: Playing for Keeps, Total Recall, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, The A-Team, Powder Blue, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Next, Home of the Brave, Stealth, Blade: Trinity

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, although Jessia Biel has appeared on countless "sexiest actresses" lists since her breakout role in 7th Heaven, her filmography is ugly as hell.

In addition to an Adam Sandler flick (I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry) stinking up her filmography, Ms. Biel also has a trio of critically panned rom-coms (Playing for Keeps, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day), and she seems to be a bad luck charm for action movies.Total Recall, The A-Team, Next, Stealth and Blade: Trinity all received low marks from critics, and most of those films also underperformed at the box office.

Ms. Biel doesn't have a lot of range as an actress though, which is probably the reason why she keeps popping up in bad movies instead of landing roles in higher quality films. Yes, she knows how to scream (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and is definitely an attractive actress, but outside of her physical assets, when has she ever made a movie better with her presence?

Maybe Ms. Biel doesn't deserve a life sentence, but she's certainly earned an extended stay in Movie Jail.

Total Recall Jessia Biel

The Defense: The Truth About Emanuel, The Tall Man, Hitchcock, Easy Virtue, The Illusionist, London, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Rules of Attraction

Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Biel will likely never be seen as a great actress, but she's still a solid one, and the defense doesn't believe she belongs in Movie Jail.

While my client tends to stick to safe roles, she has taken a few risks, most notably playing against her 7th Heaven role early in her career in The Rules of Attraction. Unfortunately, her best work has been in small, little-seen films (The Truth About Emanuel, The Tall Man, Easy Virtue) that didn't receive as much attention has her bigger-budgeted flops.

Ms. Biel has starred in quite a few awful movies (and she should probably stay away from action flicks), but she does have several Ok-to-good films on her filmography, like The Illusionist and London. The defense would take Ms. Biel and her movies over Jessica Alba (who also rose to prominence around the same time) and her films any day of the week. The defense also appreciates the fact that my client has no problem hanging out half-naked in her movies.

Ms. Biel isn't the most talented actress to walk the earth and is more known for her looks than her acting talents, but that doesn't mean we should toss her in the slammer.

The Tall Man Jessica Biel

IN CLOSING...

What do you think we should we do with Justin Timberlake's wife? Do Ms. Biel's good movies and performances outweigh her bad ones, or do we absolutely need to lock her up? Is Jessica Biel GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?

*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyway, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.

WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR NOT?

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry Jessica Biel

LAST WEEK'S VERDICT

Vacation Ed Helms

Since last week's trial ended with a hung jury, the court has decided to put Ed Helms on probation. The Hangover and Vacation actor is treading in dangerous waters, and if he has one more slip up, Mr. Helms will likely find himself behind bars.

PREVIOUS VERDICTS

GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr., Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Willis, Paul W.S. Anderson, Matthew Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker, Brett Ratner, Rob Cohen, Renee Zellweger, Shia LaBeouf, Renny Harlin, Diane Keaton, McG, Demi Moore, King Joffrey (Game of Thrones Special), David Spade, Spike Lee, Kevin James, Joel Schumacher, Ehren Kruger, Chris Rock, Mark Steven Johnson, Mickey Rourke, Ashley Judd, Uma Thurman, Josh Duhamel, Saw Franchise (Halloween Edition), Zach Braff, Sam Worthington, Melissa McCarthy, The Wachowski Siblings, Kate Bosworth, Garry Marshall, David Goyer, Akiva Goldsman, Avi Arad, Damon Lindelof, Hayden Christensen, Dennis Dugan, Sharon Stone

NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Milla Jovovich, John Singleton, Jon Voight, Jack Black, Brian De Palma, Jerry Bruckheimer, Nicole Kidman, Justin Timberlake, Freddy Krueger (Halloween Edition), Johnny Knoxville, Orlando Bloom, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dan Aykroyd, Sylvester Stallone, Gavin Hood, Jason Lee, Jennifer Garner, Carrie-Anne Moss, Kate Beckinsale, John Cusack, Chris Columbus, Clive Owen, Terrence Howard, Andrew Niccol, Drew Barrymore, Steve Martin, Joel Silver, Michelle Rodriguez, Kiefer Sutherland, Dario Argento, Susan Sarandon, Dennis Quaid, Rob Reiner, Gwyneth Paltrow, Mel Gibson, Pierce Brosnan, Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman, Ivan Reitman, Stephen Sommers, Shawn Levy, Jai Courtney, Ridley Scott, Peter Jackson, Jamie Foxx, Luc Besson, Jason Reitman, Mila Kunis, Jennifer Connelly, Sienna Miller, Ben Barnes, Simon West, Len Wiseman, Brendan Fraser, Megan Fox, Neal McDonough, Cameron Crowe, Katie Holmes, Elijah Wood, Tarsem Singh, Reese Witherspoon, Burt Reynolds, Ed Helms

UPDATES: Robert De Niro, Nicolas Cage and Roland Emmerich, Jim Carrey, Robert Rodriguez and Gerard Butler, Jessica Alba, Julia Roberts and The Farrelly Brothers, Ben Stiller, Tim Burton and Shia LaBeouf, Johnny Depp, Kevin Smith & Chris Rock

Extra Tidbit: Who should stand trial next week? Share your suggestions for actors, directors and writers below with your verdict!
Source: JoBlo.com

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11:32PM on 08/10/2015
Too hot to be guilty.
Too hot to be guilty.
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5:34PM on 08/10/2015

Soooo Guilty.

When it comes to starring in (I won't say "acting" in) REALLY horrible movies, she is the closest thing to a female Kevin James.
When it comes to starring in (I won't say "acting" in) REALLY horrible movies, she is the closest thing to a female Kevin James.
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+0
3:56PM on 08/10/2015

Guilty

I've never been a fan of either her looks or acting ability.
I've never been a fan of either her looks or acting ability.
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3:35PM on 08/10/2015

Guilty!

Apparently she was in Elizabethtown and that movie was terrible. Next week: Luis Guzman.
Apparently she was in Elizabethtown and that movie was terrible. Next week: Luis Guzman.
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1:09PM on 08/10/2015
The Illusionist was so damn good. JB is someone I want in MORE movies.
The Illusionist was so damn good. JB is someone I want in MORE movies.
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12:41PM on 08/10/2015

Not Guilty, simply because she's not that great an actress

Yes, she's extremely good looking, which is why she's had a career as arm candy in many films. But, unlike Scarlett Johansson, she doesn't have the acting chops to transcend those "love interest" roles.

And yes, other otherwise-Guilty actresses have pulled "Not Guilty" verdicts based on their looks (Jennifer Aniston, Kate Beckinsale, Megan Fox) so why should Jessica Biel be any different?
Yes, she's extremely good looking, which is why she's had a career as arm candy in many films. But, unlike Scarlett Johansson, she doesn't have the acting chops to transcend those "love interest" roles.

And yes, other otherwise-Guilty actresses have pulled "Not Guilty" verdicts based on their looks (Jennifer Aniston, Kate Beckinsale, Megan Fox) so why should Jessica Biel be any different?
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6:55PM on 08/10/2015
so then you mean guilty instead right?
so then you mean guilty instead right?
12:27PM on 08/10/2015

Eh, guilty?

I don't particularly care, to be honest. She had a spike in popularity a few years back that really mystified me, because, with few exceptions, she's not a very good actress, nor did I find her particularly hot growing up. I agree mostly with the defense's choices for her. But she's never been an actress I felt any reason to stand up for, except that she and Timberlake make a good couple. All you crushing on this woman, sorry, but it's true.
I don't particularly care, to be honest. She had a spike in popularity a few years back that really mystified me, because, with few exceptions, she's not a very good actress, nor did I find her particularly hot growing up. I agree mostly with the defense's choices for her. But she's never been an actress I felt any reason to stand up for, except that she and Timberlake make a good couple. All you crushing on this woman, sorry, but it's true.
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11:12AM on 08/10/2015

No Guilty

Some of the films listed by the prosecution are guilty pleasures. A Team and Blade Trinity for example. She deserves a free pass
Some of the films listed by the prosecution are guilty pleasures. A Team and Blade Trinity for example. She deserves a free pass
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10:55AM on 08/10/2015

NICE BUTT...BUT

She couldn't act her way out of a wet paper bag. Good looks will get you bad movies, good acting will get you featured roles. GUILTY
She couldn't act her way out of a wet paper bag. Good looks will get you bad movies, good acting will get you featured roles. GUILTY
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-1
10:43AM on 08/10/2015

Career average: 3.4/10.

She wasn't the worst part of BLADE TRINITY, NEXT, CHUCK & LARRY, VALENTINE'S DAY, NEW YEAR'S EVE, TOTAL RECALL nor PLAYING FOR KEEPS, but she didn't make improve them. I did like CELLULAR and HITCHCOCK, and PLANET 51 is a guilty pleasure, but that had nothing to do with her. I'm planning on re-watching THE ILLUSIONIST and I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS because I don't remember THEM. Putting that aside, she has yet to prove any talent. Guilty.

Next week: Candice Bergen, Kristin Chenoweth, Alan
She wasn't the worst part of BLADE TRINITY, NEXT, CHUCK & LARRY, VALENTINE'S DAY, NEW YEAR'S EVE, TOTAL RECALL nor PLAYING FOR KEEPS, but she didn't make improve them. I did like CELLULAR and HITCHCOCK, and PLANET 51 is a guilty pleasure, but that had nothing to do with her. I'm planning on re-watching THE ILLUSIONIST and I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS because I don't remember THEM. Putting that aside, she has yet to prove any talent. Guilty.

Next week: Candice Bergen, Kristin Chenoweth, Alan Cumming, Elisha Cuthbert, Danny DeVito, Matt Dillon, Kelsey Grammer, Melanie Griffith, Don Johnson, Angelina Jolie, Jamie Kennedy, Ben Kingsley, Eugene Levy, Lucy Liu, James Marsden, Amanda Peet, Sean Penn, Kelly Preston, Meg Ryan, Barry Sonnenfeld, Barbra Streisand, Nick Swardson or Patrick Warburton.
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10:08AM on 08/10/2015
Never understood her popularity. Guilty.
Never understood her popularity. Guilty.
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9:45AM on 08/10/2015

Not guilty

Other actresses have gotten off based on their looks, so why should Jessica Biel be any different? Heck put her hubby Timberlake in jail instead for knocking her up.
Other actresses have gotten off based on their looks, so why should Jessica Biel be any different? Heck put her hubby Timberlake in jail instead for knocking her up.
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10:48AM on 08/10/2015
Justin was already on trial. He was found Not Guilty.
Justin was already on trial. He was found Not Guilty.
6:56PM on 08/10/2015
"Twas sarcasm my friend.
"Twas sarcasm my friend.
9:07AM on 08/10/2015

Aw Hell No

Jessica Biel goes to movie jail over my dead body.

NOT GUILTY times 1000.

I love this actress with every cell in my body.
Jessica Biel goes to movie jail over my dead body.

NOT GUILTY times 1000.

I love this actress with every cell in my body.
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8:32AM on 08/10/2015

not guilty

I'm not sure Biel was the problem with Blade: Trinity. Triple H's vamp and Purcell as Dracula were the elements I remember being bad. As for Biel doing time in Movie Jail, I've only seen a few of her films. The Texas Chainsaw remake she was in was one of the better horror reboots I've seen. I probably need to view more evidence, but I wouldn't jail her on the strength of what I've already seen.
I'm not sure Biel was the problem with Blade: Trinity. Triple H's vamp and Purcell as Dracula were the elements I remember being bad. As for Biel doing time in Movie Jail, I've only seen a few of her films. The Texas Chainsaw remake she was in was one of the better horror reboots I've seen. I probably need to view more evidence, but I wouldn't jail her on the strength of what I've already seen.
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8:23AM on 08/10/2015
Guilty.
Guilty.
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7:49AM on 08/10/2015

Not Guilty

She made for one of the more likeable, and believable heroines in Texas Chainsaw and isn't really relevant enough for movie jail. So not guilty.

And how the hell is A-Team listed as one of her weaker films?? That movie was great and loads of fun.
She made for one of the more likeable, and believable heroines in Texas Chainsaw and isn't really relevant enough for movie jail. So not guilty.

And how the hell is A-Team listed as one of her weaker films?? That movie was great and loads of fun.
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8:22AM on 08/10/2015
You have really awful taste.
You have really awful taste.
8:43AM on 08/10/2015
A-Team rules!
A-Team rules!
1:37PM on 08/10/2015
Coming from the guy who says he liked the new Fantastic Four. Stop wasting your key strokes on replying to my posts. Apparently you have no god damn taste.
Coming from the guy who says he liked the new Fantastic Four. Stop wasting your key strokes on replying to my posts. Apparently you have no god damn taste.
4:27PM on 08/10/2015
ya A-Team is pretty fun movie
ya A-Team is pretty fun movie
3:12AM on 08/18/2015
Soloist, you can't lecture people against liking bad movies and have an avatar of Ryan Reynold's Green Lantern without coming across as a hypocrite.
Soloist, you can't lecture people against liking bad movies and have an avatar of Ryan Reynold's Green Lantern without coming across as a hypocrite.
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