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Movie Jail: This week's defendant is...Nick Swardson!

08.17.2015

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This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity* and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.

The Defendant

Nick Swardson

The Case

The Prosecution: Back in the Day, Grown Ups 2, A Haunted House, That's My Boy, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, Jack and Jill, Just Go with It, You Don't Mess With the Zohan, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, The Benchwarmers, Malibu's Most Wanted

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, if there's one person who has a worse filmography than Adam Sandler, it's his protégé of sorts, Nick Swardson. Mr. Sandler contacted Mr. Swardson about working together in 2003, and since then, has had cameo-to-supporting roles in most of his films, including Grown Ups 2, That's My Boy, Jack and Jill and Just Go With It. His Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star (one of the worst reviewed movies of all time) and The Benchwarmers were also produced through Mr. Sandler's Happy Madison banner.

Besides not being able to remove his lips from Mr. Sandler's teet, Mr. Swardson is also up for Movie Jail because he simply isn't a gifted actor or comedian. He usually plays the same type of character (or it's a role that just requires him to act odd), and mostly sticks to toilet humor. Although that would be fine if his movies were actually decent, Mr. Swardson has a grand total of three fresh films to his credit at Rotten Tomatoes, however they certainly weren't good because of the actor, since he didn't have a ton of screen time in any of them.

Mr. Swardson hasn't fared any better as a screenwriter either. He co-wrote the scripts for Bucky Larson, The Benchwarmers and Malibu's Most Wanted, all of which were panned by critics. The prosecution knows Mr. Swardson has his fans, but we believe an overwhelming number of jury members will agree that we need to put him behind bars ASAP.

Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star Nick Swardson

The Defense: 30 Minutes or Less, Reno 911!, Grandma's Boy, Art School Confidential

Ladies and gentlemen, my client is like the Insane Clown Posse of comedic actors; hated by most, loved by few. Mr. Swardson is definitely an acquired taste, but similar to the Detroit hip hop duo, he's built a loyal following over the years, thanks to his stand up work, and his movie and television credits. Hell, there are even some who think Bucky Larson is a laugh out loud riot.

Jury members will likely argue that the only reason Mr. Swardson has a career is because of Adam Sandler, and they wouldn't be completely wrong, however he shouldn't be chastised for hooking up with the former SNL actor. At the time, my client was an up-and-coming comedian, and Mr. Sandler was the one who approached him about possibly collaborating. What was he supposed to do, say no? And hasn't it worked out pretty well for my client?

Mr. Swardson may work best in small doses, but he can be quite funny at times. The defense thought he was hilarious in Grandma's Boy and on Comedy Central's Reno 911!, and he did just fine in 30 Minutes or Less. Mr. Swardson should do more stuff outside of Happy Madison Productions though, and he could really shine with the right material.

The defense certainly isn't going to try to convince the jury that Mr. Swardson is an incredibly talented actor or is a groundbreaking comedian, but we don't think he belongs in Movie Jail.

30 Minutes or Less Nick Swardson

IN CLOSING...

Has Mr. Swardson earned an extended prison sentence, or do you believe he doesn't deserve to go to Movie Jail? Should we let the actor walk, or lock him up and throw away the key? Is Nick Swardson GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?

*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyway, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.

WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR NOT?

Just Go With It Nick Swardson Jennifer Aniston

LAST WEEK'S VERDICT

Jessica Biel

In a slightly surprising turn of events, Jessica Biel was found GUILTY of all charges in last week's trial. It was a very close vote though, so the court is open to revisiting the case against Miss Biel, but only if the actress does something to prove that we should at least consider releasing her from Movie Jail.

PREVIOUS VERDICTS

GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr., Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Willis, Paul W.S. Anderson, Matthew Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker, Brett Ratner, Rob Cohen, Renee Zellweger, Shia LaBeouf, Renny Harlin, Diane Keaton, McG, Demi Moore, King Joffrey (Game of Thrones Special), David Spade, Spike Lee, Kevin James, Joel Schumacher, Ehren Kruger, Chris Rock, Mark Steven Johnson, Mickey Rourke, Ashley Judd, Uma Thurman, Josh Duhamel, Saw Franchise (Halloween Edition), Zach Braff, Sam Worthington, Melissa McCarthy, The Wachowski Siblings, Kate Bosworth, Garry Marshall, David Goyer, Akiva Goldsman, Avi Arad, Damon Lindelof, Hayden Christensen, Dennis Dugan, Sharon Stone, Jessica Biel

NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Milla Jovovich, John Singleton, Jon Voight, Jack Black, Brian De Palma, Jerry Bruckheimer, Nicole Kidman, Justin Timberlake, Freddy Krueger (Halloween Edition), Johnny Knoxville, Orlando Bloom, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dan Aykroyd, Sylvester Stallone, Gavin Hood, Jason Lee, Jennifer Garner, Carrie-Anne Moss, Kate Beckinsale, John Cusack, Chris Columbus, Clive Owen, Terrence Howard, Andrew Niccol, Drew Barrymore, Steve Martin, Joel Silver, Michelle Rodriguez, Kiefer Sutherland, Dario Argento, Susan Sarandon, Dennis Quaid, Rob Reiner, Gwyneth Paltrow, Mel Gibson, Pierce Brosnan, Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman, Ivan Reitman, Stephen Sommers, Shawn Levy, Jai Courtney, Ridley Scott, Peter Jackson, Jamie Foxx, Luc Besson, Jason Reitman, Mila Kunis, Jennifer Connelly, Sienna Miller, Ben Barnes, Simon West, Len Wiseman, Brendan Fraser, Megan Fox, Neal McDonough, Cameron Crowe, Katie Holmes, Elijah Wood, Tarsem Singh, Reese Witherspoon, Burt Reynolds, Ed Helms

UPDATES: Robert De Niro, Nicolas Cage and Roland Emmerich, Jim Carrey, Robert Rodriguez and Gerard Butler, Jessica Alba, Julia Roberts and The Farrelly Brothers, Ben Stiller, Tim Burton and Shia LaBeouf, Johnny Depp, Kevin Smith & Chris Rock

Extra Tidbit: Who should stand trial next week? Share your suggestions for actors, directors and writers below with your verdict!
Source: JoBlo.com

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+0
2:02AM on 08/19/2015
Guilty
Guilty
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+2
5:02AM on 08/18/2015

Guilty.

This guy's an idiot.
This guy's an idiot.
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+2
12:09AM on 08/18/2015
Hang him, twice just to be sure....pretty please.
Hang him, twice just to be sure....pretty please.
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9:48PM on 08/17/2015
This guy plays such fucking stupid characters...why does he have a movie career? I cant imagine there is anybody who really understands what kind of "talent" he has....Jail!! Max security
This guy plays such fucking stupid characters...why does he have a movie career? I cant imagine there is anybody who really understands what kind of "talent" he has....Jail!! Max security
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9:45PM on 08/17/2015
He was never funny to begin with.
He was never funny to begin with.
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6:39PM on 08/17/2015
Guilty as sin! You know it, I know, the audience knows it. His films are crimes against humanity.
Guilty as sin! You know it, I know, the audience knows it. His films are crimes against humanity.
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+1
5:51PM on 08/17/2015

GUILTY

He's so guilty, he probably turned himself in. Toss him in that prison from Fortress and put Vernon Wells in his cell with him.
He's so guilty, he probably turned himself in. Toss him in that prison from Fortress and put Vernon Wells in his cell with him.
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5:48PM on 08/17/2015

Guilty

didn't even have to read the cases for either side.
didn't even have to read the cases for either side.
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4:50PM on 08/17/2015
The case for the defence only adds to his guilt.
The case for the defence only adds to his guilt.
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4:47PM on 08/17/2015

Guilty

Throw away the key
Throw away the key
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4:29PM on 08/17/2015

Guilty

Wait Jessica Biel was found GUILTY! The people who post here are fucking idiots!

As for Nick Swardson, I only like him in Grandma's Boy & his comedy specials are good. but not enough to save him.
Wait Jessica Biel was found GUILTY! The people who post here are fucking idiots!

As for Nick Swardson, I only like him in Grandma's Boy & his comedy specials are good. but not enough to save him.
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+2
1:43PM on 08/17/2015

Guilty

find him guilty for Bucky Larson alone.
find him guilty for Bucky Larson alone.
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1:39PM on 08/17/2015

Sooo very Guilty

I believe he's the reason Joblo created this article in the first place.

Next week: Ving Rhames.... my bad if you've done him, the list of actors is getting huge
I believe he's the reason Joblo created this article in the first place.

Next week: Ving Rhames.... my bad if you've done him, the list of actors is getting huge
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6:27PM on 08/17/2015
I doubt Rhames will be arrested, based on the success of MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 5.
I doubt Rhames will be arrested, based on the success of MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 5.
1:33PM on 08/17/2015

Not Guilty

He was funny in blades of glory and who know, maybe he'll make another grandmas boy one day.
next week: Seth Rogen
He was funny in blades of glory and who know, maybe he'll make another grandmas boy one day.
next week: Seth Rogen
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+1
1:15PM on 08/17/2015

Guilty

Electric Chair.
Electric Chair.
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+1
1:00PM on 08/17/2015

Guilty

This dude is annoying and unfunny.
This dude is annoying and unfunny.
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10:59AM on 08/17/2015

GUILTY

Dude has contributed nothing worthwhile.
Dude has contributed nothing worthwhile.
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+2
10:33AM on 08/17/2015

Guilty

Movie Jail's easiest call
Movie Jail's easiest call
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+0
10:25AM on 08/17/2015

Career average: 3.2/10.

Guilty. Like you said, he works better in small roles. After all, his only good performance was in CLICK. He was fine when he played "the normal one" in ZOHAN, which is further proof that the "weird guy" shtick isn't his forte. When he wasn't the worst part of a movie, he was among the worst parts. Yes, even in the overrated BLADES OF GLORY. To be fair, BENCHWARMERS, CHUCK & LARRY, JUST GO WITH IT, BUCKY LARSON, THAT'S MY BOY, A HAUNTED HOUSE and GROWN UPS 2 would've been bad without him. By
Guilty. Like you said, he works better in small roles. After all, his only good performance was in CLICK. He was fine when he played "the normal one" in ZOHAN, which is further proof that the "weird guy" shtick isn't his forte. When he wasn't the worst part of a movie, he was among the worst parts. Yes, even in the overrated BLADES OF GLORY. To be fair, BENCHWARMERS, CHUCK & LARRY, JUST GO WITH IT, BUCKY LARSON, THAT'S MY BOY, A HAUNTED HOUSE and GROWN UPS 2 would've been bad without him. By the way, I don't remember if I liked him or not in ART SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL, BOLT, BEDTIME STORIES, 30 MINUTES OR LESS and JACK & JILL.

Next week: Candice Bergen, Jason Blum, Kristin Chenoweth, Alan Cumming, Elisha Cuthbert, Danny DeVito, Matt Dillon, Brad Fuller, Kelsey Grammer, Melanie Griffith, Raja Gosnell, Don Johnson, Angelina Jolie, Jamie Kennedy, Ben Kingsley, Brian Levant, Eugene Levy, Lucy Liu, Robert Luketic, James Marsden, Neal Moritz, Amanda Peet, Sean Penn, Kelly Preston, Meg Ryan, Barry Sonnenfeld, Barbra Streisand or Patrick Warburton.
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10:23AM on 08/17/2015
Screw shaving his head, just shoot him.

Can we burn people at the the stake?
Screw shaving his head, just shoot him.

Can we burn people at the the stake?
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10:22AM on 08/17/2015
This guy is so guilty he's the reason movie jail exists!
This guy is so guilty he's the reason movie jail exists!
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9:58AM on 08/17/2015

Guilty as hell

BUCKY LARSON alone is enough for a life sentence.
BUCKY LARSON alone is enough for a life sentence.
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8:41AM on 08/17/2015

Shave his head and shoot him in the face.

That may seem harsh but fuck it. Some people aren't worth a cell.

GUILTY!
That may seem harsh but fuck it. Some people aren't worth a cell.

GUILTY!
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8:31AM on 08/17/2015
Here's the thing about Nick Swardson. I discovered him first as a stand up and thought he was hilarious, and was excited to see him pop up in Reno 911, but then I started seeing him over and over and over again in Sandler movies saying these powerfully unfunny things and I'm thinking to myself "NICK! what are you doing! Stop already".
As the defense stated, the only decent credit to his name is Grandma's Boy.
Here's the thing about Nick Swardson. I discovered him first as a stand up and thought he was hilarious, and was excited to see him pop up in Reno 911, but then I started seeing him over and over and over again in Sandler movies saying these powerfully unfunny things and I'm thinking to myself "NICK! what are you doing! Stop already".
As the defense stated, the only decent credit to his name is Grandma's Boy.
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8:23AM on 08/17/2015
Guilty. Guilty Very Very Much.
Guilty. Guilty Very Very Much.
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8:17AM on 08/17/2015

WTF!

This guy is an actor??? And he hangs with Sandler?!? Guilty x 1000!
This guy is an actor??? And he hangs with Sandler?!? Guilty x 1000!
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8:02AM on 08/17/2015

Guilty

Guilty. By a wide margin.
Guilty. By a wide margin.
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+2
7:51AM on 08/17/2015

GUILTY

Fuck this guy. Not funny in anything.
Fuck this guy. Not funny in anything.
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7:38AM on 08/17/2015

Guilty

Never got a single laugh from me in anything he's done.
Never got a single laugh from me in anything he's done.
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7:34AM on 08/17/2015

Guilty as balls

Plays obnoxiously punchable characters and tries to use the "intend to make people laugh" excuse.

Newsflash, Nick. Do or do not. There is no try.
Plays obnoxiously punchable characters and tries to use the "intend to make people laugh" excuse.

Newsflash, Nick. Do or do not. There is no try.
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+1
7:33AM on 08/17/2015

GUILTY!

Not even sure why the question needs to be asked.
Not even sure why the question needs to be asked.
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