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Movie Jail: This week's defendant is...Roland Emmerich!

11.12.2012

Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are Hollywood writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a Movie Jail trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the Prosecution and Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the defendant is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of consistently being a stinking shithouse.

The Defendant


Roland Emmerich

The Case

The Prosecution: 2012, 10,000 BC, The Day After Tomorrow, Godzilla, Independence Day*

It's that time again where we throw another director on the stand. Right now, we're at 3 a piece for directors in Movie Jail and those walking free, and what better tie breaker than Mr. Roland Emmerich. As far as we can tell, if there's one thing that Mr. Emmerich loves more than storylines that go nowhere and embarrassing dialogue, it's beating up Earth. But why? It's nature, bitches love nature and shit. Now, Mr. Emmerich doesn't have as long a resume as some of our previous directors, but those films that are part of the prosecution's evidence are just awful. We know a lot of you love ID4, as we did when it first came out, but the years have not been kind to it. Seriously, watch it again. It has all the Emmerich staples: horribly written dialogue, cheesy, over the top characters, and weak sauce scenarios so unbelievable, even for Hollywood, that it makes our faces bleed. Remember in The Day After Tomorrow when Dennis Quaid's all "Fuck it, let's walk from Philly to New York City in a blizzard, should take us a half hour."? And then the wolves played hide and seek with the survivors? Yeah, we wish we didn't remember that. We haven't seen Anonymous just yet, but we're thinking Shakespear walks outside for a leisurely stroll and gets punched in the mouth by a hurricane.


The Day After Tomorrow aka When Earth had enough of the Statue of Liberty's shit.

The Defense: Stargate, Universal Soldier, The Patriot*

Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, we've been down this road with the likes of Michael Bay: a director who makes big budget, action films for a specific audience. These people know what they're getting with a Roland Emmerich film and from what we can tell, his audience seems okay with the finished product. So where's the crime in creating a visually appealing big budget disaster movie like Independence Day or 2012? If there's a place in the movie going world for things like Twilight or Sex & the City films, why can't these exist? And by Chris Bumbray's favorable review of Anonymous, it looks like Mr. Emmerich is switching things up by scaling back and trying his hand at more dramatic fare (he has another film to be released in 2013 called White House Down starring Tanning Chatum and Jaime Foxx). If the positive reviews of Anonymous are any indication of where Mr. Emmerich's career is headed, why don't we take some time to see how it plays out before throwing him in the slammer?


2012 aka John Cusack drives a limo through the end of the world

IN CLOSING...

So, whatís to be done with Mr. Roland Emmerich? Is his style of action/disaster movies really all that bad? Or are they so bad that he needs to be stopped immediately? And the most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into consideration, we ask you The Jury, is Roland Emmerich GUILTY or NOT GUILTY? Letís hear YOUR arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.

*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so relax.

WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR NOT?


LAST WEEK'S VERDICT

It is the jury's decision that after reviewing last week's evidence, the court finds Kristen Stewart NOT GUILTY of all charges. Early on, the jury made it clear that KStew is still a young up and comer with potential to have a solid career as a Hollywood A-lister. Even though she's free, the jury has suggested that she be put on a 5 year or 3 movie probation to see how the next few steps in her career develop.

PREVIOUS VERDICTS
GUILTY NOT GUILTY
Adam Sandler
Eddie Murphy
Vince Vaughn
Tim Burton
The Farrelly Brothers
Michael Bay

Robert De Niro
Val Kilmer
Nic Cage
John Travolta
Oliver Stone
Ben Stiller
Jim Carrey
Wes Craven
Matthew McConaughey
Robert Rodriguez
Kristen Stewart
Extra Tidbit: Thanks to ElderPredator for the suggestion. Who Should Take the Stand Next? Strike Back Below!
Source: JoBlo.com

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