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Movie Jail: This week's defendant is...Santa Claus!

Dec. 24, 2012by:

Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are Hollywood writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a Movie Jail trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the Prosecution and Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the defendant is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of consistently being a stinking shithouse.

The Defendant


Santa Claus

NOTE: We here at the Movie Jail facility and JoBlo.com support the term "Happy Holidays", because we want to include all of our friends from all across the world that celebrate different traditions this time of year. But when's the last time you saw a great Kwanzaa movie? Or a Hannukah flick that didn't start with "Eight Crazy" and end with "Nights"? Through circumstance and marketability, there have been a ton of Christmas movies over the years with various Santa Clauseseses, who's the representative for said holiday.

WHAT THE COURT WANTS FROM YOU: We're presenting a few different interpretations of the jolly old, bearded cookie hoarder. You won't see Billy Bob Thorton or Goldberg in this because we all love them. So pick the Santa that YOU think belongs in Movie Jail. Let's get started!


A Christmas Story Santa

The Prosecution: What a cock this Santa is. You're supposed to listen patiently to the little rugrats and their wishes and what does this guy do? Has his elf put Ralphie and Randy on the slide to nowheresville. When Ralphie crawls up the slide in an effort to show how passionate he is about wanting an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle, Santa simply says "you'll shoot your eye out" and boots him in the face. Asshole.

The Defense: What's Santa supposed to do? For one thing, spoiler alert, Ralphie winds up injuring himself with the BB gun (not shooting his eye out mind you), so Santa and everyone else is vindicated here. Secondly, Santa is seeing approximated 4,340 kids on that day alone, he doesn't have time for stupid Ralphie to be trepidatious about telling Santa what he wants for Christmas. Thirdly, who didn't wanna see Ralphie get a size 10 Santa boot in his face?


Trading Places Santa

The Prosecution: He's a filthy Wall Street style scumbag, born of privilege and wealth. When he's down on his luck, he dresses up as Santa and steals a f*cking ham. Then eats it on a bus like a savage. Oh, showing how easily social stature can flip flop? My ass. He didn't even hand out one piece of candy. That's no excuse. He even witnessed Jaime Lee Curtis' glorious rack and did nothing about it. What an ass.

The Defense: This man has been through a lot. Lived the life of luxury, prospered like a gentleman, then had the rug pulled out from under him. How is this not a sympathetic character? Not to mention, those "men wanted to have sex" with him. And that's a lot to deal with.


That Santa guy from Home Alone

The Prosecution: This f*cking guy. He could be the worst Santa in recent years. When Kevin McCallister shows up to his workshop, the tart elf could really give a shit about anyting but chewing her gum, and Santa is peeling off a ticket on his old hatchback. Seriously yo, get your shit together. Dude doesn't even have his beard on when Kevin rolls up. And when the young lad explains his situation, Santa's all like, "have some Tic Tacs". How about you just spit on him and kick him in the nuts?

The Defense: The defense blames Hollywood for the glitz and glamour image of Santa Claus. What's Santa supposed to do at the end of the night? You think it's all gingerbread cookies and nailing Mrs. Claus but Santa's a blue collar worker just trying to grant the wishes of EVERY GODDAMN CHILD IN THE WORLD. I mean Jesus Christ, at the end of the day he listened to Kevin (who by the way was previously referred to as a "little jerk" BY HIS OWN FAMILY) and offered what he could, Tic Tacs. This isn't 4D, maybe Kevin's breath was kickin?


Jingle All the Way Santa

The Prosecution: Jim Belushi.

The Defense: I don't know, he's the brother of John Belushi?

LAST WEEK'S VERDICT

It is the jury's decision that after reviewing last week's evidence, the court finds Halle Berry GUILTY of all charges. In summation, the jury passionately voted "ENOUGH ALREADY" for Ms. Berry and has sentenced her to five years or three films in Movie Jail. While some members thought she possessed the talent to keep her out of Movie Jail, it just wasn't enough to sway the majority, no matter how many times they sent links of her topless in Swordfish.

PREVIOUS VERDICTS
GUILTY NOT GUILTY
Adam Sandler
Eddie Murphy
Vince Vaughn
Tim Burton
The Farrelly Brothers
Michael Bay
Jessica Alba
Ice Cube
Gerard Butler
Halle Berry

Robert De Niro
Val Kilmer
Nic Cage
John Travolta
Oliver Stone
Ben Stiller
Jim Carrey
Wes Craven
Matthew McConaughey
Robert Rodriguez
Kristen Stewart
Roland Emmerich
Kevin Costner
Extra Tidbit: Who Should Take the Stand Next? Strike Back Below!
Source: JoBlo.com

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+0
2:10PM on 12/25/2012

Guilty--> "Jingle All The Way" Santa

I like all the other Santa's.
The mall Santa in "A Christmas Story" is awesome.
Even the Santa in Home Alone- "Hold out your little paw there" was funny
I like all the other Santa's.
The mall Santa in "A Christmas Story" is awesome.
Even the Santa in Home Alone- "Hold out your little paw there" was funny
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5:38AM on 12/25/2012

HO HO HO

I cant say Gulity. but I will say ...probally one of the best Movie Santa Clauses was Edmund Gwenn (Miracle on 34th Street).
I cant say Gulity. but I will say ...probally one of the best Movie Santa Clauses was Edmund Gwenn (Miracle on 34th Street).
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+1
6:20PM on 12/24/2012

Guilty

....for years and years of not existing and stealing credit from parents.
....for years and years of not existing and stealing credit from parents.
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1:44PM on 12/24/2012
Not guilty. I ain't that stupid...
Not guilty. I ain't that stupid...
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1:04PM on 12/24/2012
No "Santa's Slay" santa?
No "Santa's Slay" santa?
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12:43PM on 12/24/2012

Thanks for being so literal!

You guys are the best.
You guys are the best.
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+1
12:24PM on 12/24/2012

what you talking 'bout Moreno

Just because your a bad apple, dont take it out on Santa. Not Guilty. Be a better boy next year and you might get that golden flask you always wanted.
Just because your a bad apple, dont take it out on Santa. Not Guilty. Be a better boy next year and you might get that golden flask you always wanted.
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8:32AM on 12/24/2012

Even though I am a Jew and don't care about Santa...

I vote Not Guilty, its poetic license and if every Santa was the same then it would ruin the magic of Christmas. None of these are the real Santa, that should be stated clearly. These are guys who are dressed as Santa who give him a bad name. To the ones who are really santa (in the movies) they are always played as the character is supposed to be portrayed (as a good person).
I vote Not Guilty, its poetic license and if every Santa was the same then it would ruin the magic of Christmas. None of these are the real Santa, that should be stated clearly. These are guys who are dressed as Santa who give him a bad name. To the ones who are really santa (in the movies) they are always played as the character is supposed to be portrayed (as a good person).
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7:51AM on 12/24/2012
Fuck Santa and the sleigh he rode in on. And barbecue those fucking reindeer, ASAP.
Fuck Santa and the sleigh he rode in on. And barbecue those fucking reindeer, ASAP.
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2:01AM on 12/24/2012

TSK TSK

Now why would you put Santa in movie jail? I vote a mistrial.
Now why would you put Santa in movie jail? I vote a mistrial.
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