Well for better or worse, it's here: Oscar night. Barbara Walters just wrapped up her chat with Harrison Ford (she actually asked "Ridley?..." when Ford was talking about BLADE RUNNER like she had no idea who Ridley Scott was) and now we're about to get started. Well, we're about to get started getting started. We've got a 1/2 hour of pre-game before the big show kicks off. Now's probably a good time to mention our coverage of the Oscars at JoBlo.com. You can enter our Oscar chat here and keep your eyes on sister site Movie Hotties for full coverage of the red carpet and after parties. And of course I'll be here, on my couch, walking you through the whole magilla. If I drift off during the Lifetime Achievement Award, just nudge your computer to wake me back up...
JOBLO.COM'S OSCAR '08 COVERAGE
8:02 - My main goal tonight is to do a better job than Joey Fatone.
8:03 - Reeg with our first lame WGA strike joke. That didn't take long...
8:05 - I've tried but I just can't dislike George Clooney. Damn, that guy's good.
8:11 - For the second time in 10 minutes, Reeg grumbles "What is wrong with these people?..." in reference to the fans in the stands. Still unclear why Reeg thinks is wrong with them but it seems it would be less-than-rapturous applause for Hannah Montana.
8:19 - Amy Adams is told she will be singing for 1 billion people. Just what someone wants to hear before going on stage...
8:21 - Regis is on crack.
8:27 - Reegis badgering the actors in the audience. This is high comedy. Jack Nicholson vaguely refers to someone as "his man."
8:29 - Michael Bay's Verizon commercial is "AWESOME!!!"
8:30 - Here we go...
8:31 - Weirdest intro ever?? What was with Lightning McQueen, Hulk, Megatron and Godzilla?
8:36 - So far so good for Jon Stewart. "The raw passion of Yom Kippur!"
8:40 - Political humor not going over so well. But rebounds with classic line about having a black president means an asteroid is about to hit. Wesley Snipes f*ckin' loved it.
8:41 - "Gaydolph Titler"
8:42 - Jennifer Garner has the first award - Costume Designer - for us. God, I just want to fix her bangs...
Brush those bangs back!!
8:43 - No shock. ELIZABETH: THE GOLDEN AGE wins. 1-for-1 in the JoBlo staff Oscar pool.
8:43:30 - Best acceptance speech ever. What was that 10 seconds long? Loved it.
8:47 - George Clooney intros 80 years of Oscars. When you edit them all together to a few minutes they're not all that boring. OK, maybe they are. Now people are crying... and Celine Dion is singing.
8:53 - Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway to the lack of amusement of Philip Seymour Hoffman. If this banter is what GET SMART is banking on, Warner Bros. is in trouble.
8:55 - Best Animated Feature...gotta be RATATOUILLE right?
8:56 - Yup. And an impressive response from the crowd to boot. 2nd Academy Award for Brad Bird (THE INCREDIBLES).
8:58 - Katherine Heigl is about to hyperventilate.
8:59 - Here we go! NORBIT's big chance at an Oscar! But GAH!, LA VIE EN ROSE wins instead. Sorry Eddie...
9:00 - Alan Menken and Stephen Schwartz get a "WHOO!" from the audience.
9:02 - Wow, Amy Adams is on a f*cking island singing "Happy Working Song" from ENCHANTED. Couldn't they have given her someone dancing behind her? Awkward to the max. Love the girl to death but she's struggling tonight. I can't watch...
Somebody owes this girl an apology...
9:06 - Dwayne "Not The Rock" Johnson doing Best Visual FX. Is GET SMART sponsoring the Oscars?
9:08 - I picked TRANSFORMERS if only because GIANT ROBOTS make me happy. But it loses to THE GOLDEN COMPASS. Tragedy. Megatron was robbed.
9:09 - These guys are legitimately pumped though so I can't sip the haterade too much. They are SO getting laid tonight. (Which is more than I can say for myself.)
9:12 - Cate Blanchett can make even Art Direction sound sexy. Our first extended Johnny Depp sighting as SWEENEY TODD wins. Somewhere JoBlo is swooning.
9:14 - Finally an acting award! But oh wait, we're going to have to suffer through a montage of previous winners first. They end with Cuba and his memorable speech. He is at home kicking himself.
9:16 - Jennifer Hudson's second and last appearance at the Oscars to hand out Best Supporting Actor.
9:17 - Javier is getting applause and he didn't even win yet. Not a good sign for Tom Wilkinson.
9:19 - Hudson says "Harvey-air Bardem" is the winner.
9:20 - Harvey-air Bardem rattles of some Spanish to the true delight of his mother. And Tommy Lee Jones who I think is trying to mack it to Ms. Bardem.
Harvey-air waves to the people and blows them kisses.
9:25 - Jon Stewart's mock-montages "An Oscar tribute to binoculars..." and "An Oscar tribute to bad dreams..." offer us perhaps our first look at TOP SECRET! and PEE-WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE at the Oscars.
9:28 - AUGUST RUSH gets like 50 people and Amy Adams was out there rollin' solo. That still gets to me. She should be flippin' pissed at the way that went down. If she wants she can come to the JoBlo.com Oscar After Party where I will console her.
9:30 - Owen Wilson!
9:31 - That was disappointing. He didn't even try to be funny. That ole bit he did with Ben Stiller years ago was hilarious. Now he's just going straight announcing the Best Live Action Shorts (LE MOZART DE PICKPOCKETS won).
9:33 - Oh geeeez. Barry B. Benson from BEE MOVIE as an Oscar presenter? Do these things ever work? But it's Best Animated Short, get it? What's the deal with these animated shorts?
9:35 - Wow the Animated Short people ("Peter and the Wolf") don't exactly get Jack Nicholson seats. They're literally raising the roof.
9:36 - Another montage (are cliched montages so cliched that they're awesome again?) but it looks as if we'll get Best Supporting Actress next.
9:37 - Ruby Dee seems impressed by her own acting (Ruby Deez nuts! Sorry I couldn't resist...).
9:37 - Wow. Tilda Swinton? There goes the Oscar pools....
9:40 - She still finds time to bust Clooney's balls for the rubber Bat nipples. Second BATMAN AND ROBIN reference tonight. Never gonna live that down bro...
9:45 - Jessica Alba (a pregnant Jessica Alba I might add) hosted the Scientific/Technical awards. Is it me or do they always get a hot chick to host that shit?
9:47 - James McAvoy, from WonderCon to the Oscars in one day. Love it.
9:48 - Best Adapted Screenplay. Still impressed that Sarah Polley was nominated. PTA gets healthy applause but the Coen brothers pull it out. Well not "it" but they win the award. If they won the award and then pulled "it" out = Best Acceptance Speech EVER.
9:51 - Another montage, this one by Academy head Sid Ganis. Oddly this is interesting and funny. They're showing how they do all the behind-the-scenes stuff with mailing ballots, counting, voting, etc. Jon Stewart is now mocking said montage.
9:53 - Kristen Chenoweth is overdoing it a little bit with the ENCHANTED song. Easy with the yodels babe.
"How does she knoooOOOooooOOOOOoooOOOwwwww...."
9:54 - Wow that reggae guy from ENCHANTED was available to come and sing, who could've guessed?...
9:54 - They just said the awards for Lead Actors were coming up but somehow I doubt that. BTW, I'm doing horribly in my Oscar pool. Damn you Tilda Swinton.
9:56 - What would the Oscars be without a retarded Coke commercial?...
10:02 - Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill subbing for Dame Judi Dench and Halle Berry. Scruffier men have never appeared at the Oscars. Funny nonetheless.
10:04 - BOURNE ULTIMATUM wins for Sound Editing and both the winners are "blanking out" despite planning their speech. How does that happen? In all fairness, I'd probably crap my pants.
10:05 - Seth and Jonah continue the funniness. "I'm Dame Judi Dench even though I clearly look more like Halle Berry."
Who looks more like Halle Berry?
10:07 - BOURNE sweeps the Sound awards with its second win for Mixing. Winner Guy makes a funny "Can I kiss Halle Berry?" but Jonah isn't paying attention.
10:08 - JoBlo just checks in with a good point: Where the hell is Paul Thomas Anderson?
10:09 - The Best Animated Short people are still making their way to the stage.
10:10 - I guess they weren't bullshitting about major acting awards coming up. Best Actress now presented by Forest Whitaker. Am I evil for rooting against Ellen Page?
10:11 - Marion Cotillard wins in a slight upset over Julie Christie. She's pretty hawt, I've got to say. She's thanking life and love and Forest Whitaker I think is putting the moooves on. "Wanna see my Oscar?"
10:19 - Colin Farrell almost busted his ass trying to introduce the song from ONCE. That would've been funny. But he's super pumped about this song. And you should be too.
10:23 - It's a beautiful song, why did they feel the need to shoehorn in the orchestra? Crap, I tell ya. This is the biggest moment in their lives and they get upstaged by Bill Conti as they take a bow.
10:23 - Jack Nicholson comes out to introduce "80 Years of Best Pictures" and I can't bel-zzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
10:25 - Sorry I just nodded off. And we're only on 1967.......... :(
10:29 - Here comes The Zellweger 3000 robot to hand out the Best Film Editing trophy. Still with that sour puss. You're rich and famous! Smile!!!
10:30 - BOURNE with another win. We're 2 1/2 hours in and THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM leads all winners with 3 Oscars. The Oscars are f*cking Matt Damon this year.
10:32 - Not to be outdone by Zellwegerbot, The Kidman 5000 takes the stage. She apparently has not broken character since THE STEPFORD WIVES.
10:33 - She tells the audience to come with her if they want to live and that her CPU is a neural-net processor, a learning computer.
"I now know why you cry, but it is something I can never do."
10:35 - Honorary Oscar = time to take a leak.
10:40 - Just Googled it and the longest acceptance speech is five minutes and thirty seconds.
10:43 - Penelope Cruz is not even trying to do an intro. "Here are our nominees..."
10:44 - Austria wins Best Foreign Language Film for THE COUNTERFEITERS.
10:45 - If you couldn't tell by now, this live blogging nonsense is sapping me of energy. I feel like Penelope Cruz. "Here are the winners, now leave me alone."
10:47 - I'm listening to this last ENCHANTED song "So Close" and it's kinda how I feel about this whole ceremony. We're so close to the end of this ordeal and yet so far...
10:49 - John Travolta just slipped on the same spot Colin Farrell did. This was after he impromptu danced with one of the ENCHANTED dancers. Now he's out of breath.
10:50 - Best Original Song. ONCE kinda has to win right? I mean Disney has dominated for so long and those songs are great and all but seriously...
10:51 - Good for them man. ONCE takes the prize for "Falling Slowly." Laura Linney apparently a huge fan. Made the movie for $100,000... Holy crap. Poor little Marketa got booted by the evil baton of Bill Conti.
If this doesn't warm your heart that you are pure evil.
10:53 - Even Jon Stewart loves the ONCE.
10:53 - But then is somehow cajoled by John Travolta into a bad plane joke. Get off the stage Travolta you damn camera whore!!.
10:58 - Wow, Jon Stewart is officially a pimp. He brought Marketa out from backstage to let her finish her acceptance speech. Take that Conti.
Jon Stewart = Classy Guy
11:00 - Cameron Diaz is pretending to be having trouble with the word "cinematography" but she's not that good an actor.
"Cin-e-ma...what?!! Ohmygod, it's totally such a hard word!!"
11:01 - Finally! Three hours in before THERE WILL BE BLOOD wins its first Oscar. Robert Elswit wins for Best Cinematrography. He says it really belongs to PTA and we finally get our first shot of him in the audience. He is here! Maybe he was catching a smoke before...
11:02 - Uh-oh. Heath Ledger sadness coming. "In Memorium"
11:02 - Aw man, that guy from THE SHINING died?!
11:05 - Brad Renfro gets no love?
11:10 - Would love to see Michael Giacchino get some love for RATATOUILLE but that ain't happening. It's Dario Marinelli for ATONEMENT. Whatev, I can do just fine ogling presenter Amy Adams.
11:13 - Tom Hanks introduces soldiers in Baghdad who get to introduce the nominees for Best Documentary. First guy looks just like Steve Zahn. How did they pick the soldiers anyway? They even let the soldier announce the winner. How did they get the envelope over there in time?
11:15 - These documentary short winners are hot in a MILFy kinda way...
Pretty hot for documentarian moms...
11:16 - Tom Hanks will not allow the soldiers any more air time. He is taking back the announcing job.
11:17 - TAXI TO THE DARK SIDE sounds like an episode of "Tales From The Crypt." Well it won an Oscar so what the eff do I know. One of these winners is also MILFy hot. Man, I need to get into documentary filmmaking...
11:18 - Tom Hanks is mackin it to my documentary girl! Get your damn hands off of her!
11:23 - Harrison Ford does not looked pumped to be at the Oscars.
11:26 - Diablo Cody wins an Oscar. It's official: I give up. I am clearly out of touch. I clearly have no taste if this is THE BEST. But Jason Reitman just gave himself a big round of applause, which is hilarious. Diablo looks pissed that she broke down and cried. She snatched that envelope out of Harrison's hand and marched off stage.
Is Harrison Ford laughing with or at Diablo Cody?
11:30 - It's Daniel Day Lewis time.
11:31 - Helen Mirren is sadly robbing us of her cleavage.
11:31 - Viggo Mortensen is the f*cking man.
11:31 - DDL takes the prize and...gives George Clooney a kiss?
11:31 - Says he wishes HW Plainfield were with him which would be hilarious. Calls the Oscar a "golden sapling" that grew out of the brain of PTA. I've heard a lot of analogies for the Oscar but never a golden sapling before... Still DDL is amazingly cool. He's not gonna break down and cry. He's just delivering the goods.
And not one milkshake drinking joke.
11:40 - Every friggin' award tonight has to be preceded by a montage of past winners. WE HAVE IMDB. We can do this kinda research on our own time. Best Director coming some time in the future...
11:42 - Marty's back to return the favor to this year's winner.
11:44 - The Coens win. Good for them. Would've loved a PTA upset but these guys deserve it to. Ethan is not very talkative.
11:46 - I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!....
11:47 - Drum roll please.... NO COUNTRY wins! Hey at least it wasn't JUNO right? Scott Rudin takes the stage and somewhere a former assistant goes into PTSD shock.
11:48 - Frances McDormand is awesome. She's so proud of her Joel.
11:48 - And the award for most exhausted writer goes to... ME! Holy crap this was an edurance test. In the end, NO COUNTRY was the big winner and I was the big loser (at least in the office pool...damn you Tilda Swinton!). There were precious few surprises but like my kids say, you get what you get and you don't get upset. It's been real and I'm glad you shared it with us. Stay tuned to JoBlo.com tomorrow for much, MUCH more on the Oscars including more pictures and pithy commentary than you can shake a golden sapling at.