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Review: Battleship

May. 15, 2012by: JimmyO

PLOT: When a fleet of naval ships prepare for a series of military games at sea, they find that they are not alone. Soon, they are in a life and death battle with some nasty extra terrestrials looking to phone home on our bill! Where is Bruce Willis when you need him?

REVIEW: As a child, if you ever placed one of your mom's cooking pots on your head and beat on it with a spoon youll get the idea of what it is like watching BATTLESHIP. This mess of a movie based on a Hasbro board game is a lazy, loud and obnoxious piece of work that makes another familiar movie franchise based on a toy seem almost subtle. Forget about making sense and forget about feeling much of anything besides being completely numb as to what is happening on-screen. The orchestra and score is headache inducing, as are the constant explosions and crashing missiles that keep sinking those battleships. And no, Liam Neeson doesnt say anything about you sinking his battleship. The only line close to that comes from a Korean War Vet who shouts, They wont sink THIS battleship! Ugh!

The beginning of BATTLESHIP is sort of charming as we are introduced to Taylor Kitsch and his soon to be gal (Brooklyn Decker) in a TOP GUN-esque moment. While Kitsch still feels a little bit like JOHN CARTER, it is quite alright because it still works here. From the very early scenes you could probably play a little game of which movie did this first? Yet it would be a waste of time to categorize the many other films this seemed to rip-off or perhaps pay homage to. Yet the story really begins when Stone finally gets sick and tired of his rule-phobic brother Alex (Kitsch) and forces his misguided sibling to join the Navy. Just in time as well, since clearly Hopper is a trouble maker and must learn to take command of his life. Lucky for him there is about to be an alien invasion at sea and he must take charge and learn to see things through. Yes, there is more to this convoluted story but really, who cares?

The big question is however, what about the effects? Well, for the most part they did a good job with destroying many parts of the world. When the space invaders gigantic interlocking metal balls of destruction rain down on humanity, it is alarmingly intense, even if it makes you deaf. They fall down from the sky destroying buildings and killing random people on the street. A few of the giant cannonballs even have issue with a freeway so they knock a big chunk of it down. Sure there is a reason, as these menacing monsters have plans to phone home and bring a few of their alien friends for a party on earth. As the title would suggest, most of this battle is fought on the ocean with a bunch of rag tag service men and women out playing some sort of naval maneuvers competition. Luckily, the aliens clearly have played the board game so they put up a massive shield for a little unfriendly war games.

Much of the dialogue consists of what youd expect in an action movie thanks (or no thanks) to screenwriters Erich and Jon Hoeber. While it is clear that the script is making a little bit of fun out of action movies in general, it is definitely overkill. Every single character has their own moment to make a witty quip right before they do something heroic. And by golly, if you can destroy a bunch of invaders from another planet you damn well have the right to have your moment in the sun. The dialogue is certainly bad, but that is not the biggest problem. Everything here is slapped together haphazardly so that it becomes an inexcusable and monotonous bore. They explain who the aliens are (sort of) and why they are there, yet it feels like several different movies thrown into a blender and mixed well. And just wait until it literally becomes a gigantic size BATTLESHIP game.

As far as performances go, nobody was really given much to do here. As mentioned, Kitsch is good enough for a leading man and he handles the humor quite well. Brooklyn Decker is lovely, and that is all she needs to be. As her tough as nails father, Liam Neeson roars his lines nicely. This wasnt a stretch for him and he didnt seem to really put too much into his commanding performance. As for the rest of the cast, Rihanna is not all that bad, neither is Hamish Linklater. However none of the actors arent given much to do aside from get wet and jump away from things that go boom.

Speaking of boom, that is what BATTLESHIP does best. My ears are still ringing from the constant noise blaring out at you. That would also include the increasingly loud soundtrack featuring Stone Temple Pilots, AC/DC and The Black Keys just to name a few. Of course, director Peter Berg had fun blowing things up without regard for telling a cohesive story. Sure there are many that may simply be in the mood for the barrage of ammo, warheads and those giant alien bombs. In fact, this may be all they need. However, if you really want a good action movie and youd like to be moved by the experience, this isnt worth wasting a Saturday afternoon over.

Source: JoBlo.com

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+18
2:37PM on 05/15/2012
I've seen this movie a month ago, and I thought: it's a perfect movie for the fans of the Transformers films. Very identical film style, almost like Battleship was directed by Michael Bay. I think this is a perfect example of mindless-fun, ten times better than Battle LA or Skyline and I enjoyed it as much as Transformers 3. So that's MY opinion, but if you like these kind of films, see this one and decide for yourself.
I've seen this movie a month ago, and I thought: it's a perfect movie for the fans of the Transformers films. Very identical film style, almost like Battleship was directed by Michael Bay. I think this is a perfect example of mindless-fun, ten times better than Battle LA or Skyline and I enjoyed it as much as Transformers 3. So that's MY opinion, but if you like these kind of films, see this one and decide for yourself.
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3:43PM on 05/15/2012
The expression on your avatar sums up how I feel about your comparison to BS and the Transformers franchise.
The expression on your avatar sums up how I feel about your comparison to BS and the Transformers franchise.
4:12PM on 05/15/2012
So basically what you are saying is, this is a perfect movie if you have really shitty taste?
So basically what you are saying is, this is a perfect movie if you have really shitty taste?
5:49PM on 05/15/2012
EBastard ...the fact you just put the Transformers in such a high regard makes wanna make that face from andris avatar
EBastard ...the fact you just put the Transformers in such a high regard makes wanna make that face from andris avatar
8:52PM on 05/15/2012
If someone says Transformers are the only kind of movies worth watching, he has a shitty taste. I'm not that guy, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy a CGI-fest like those. They will never become my favourites (like Star Wars, LOTR, etc), but I can enjoy them. And considering how ridiculusly successful the TF movies were, it would be ironical for this movie to fail when it's really feels like a part of that franchise.
If someone says Transformers are the only kind of movies worth watching, he has a shitty taste. I'm not that guy, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy a CGI-fest like those. They will never become my favourites (like Star Wars, LOTR, etc), but I can enjoy them. And considering how ridiculusly successful the TF movies were, it would be ironical for this movie to fail when it's really feels like a part of that franchise.
+18
11:27AM on 05/15/2012
"And no, Liam Neeson doesnt say anything about you sinking his battleship."

...I need read no further. Forget this!
"And no, Liam Neeson doesnt say anything about you sinking his battleship."

...I need read no further. Forget this!
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+10
10:47AM on 05/15/2012

I wonder if...

the hate for this movie would be as great if it didnt try to identify itslef with a great board game? Not to say it still isnt bad, but I wonder if people would be a little more forgiving if they had made this as just a normal movie and no tie-in to the game?
the hate for this movie would be as great if it didnt try to identify itslef with a great board game? Not to say it still isnt bad, but I wonder if people would be a little more forgiving if they had made this as just a normal movie and no tie-in to the game?
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4:51AM on 05/16/2012
Well in that case then the title should have been changed.
Well in that case then the title should have been changed.
6:19AM on 05/15/2012
The film has a giant plot hole in the first two minutes. That should tell you everything you need to know going in.

Ill outline it quickly here:

Humanity scans the solar system and finds a nearby planet similar to our own and able to support life.

Humanity then builds a station in order to send out a transmission to said planet, in an attempt to get a response.

Humanity does get a response, in the form of highly-advanced alien scouts sent by a race with the intention of taking over
The film has a giant plot hole in the first two minutes. That should tell you everything you need to know going in.

Ill outline it quickly here:

Humanity scans the solar system and finds a nearby planet similar to our own and able to support life.

Humanity then builds a station in order to send out a transmission to said planet, in an attempt to get a response.

Humanity does get a response, in the form of highly-advanced alien scouts sent by a race with the intention of taking over the planet for themselves.

Now, if these aliens are a. able to pick up the transmission and b. send a response team across space, one would HAVE to assume they are far advanced technologically.

And, assuming they desperately need resources or are just looking for life-supporting planets to take over why didnt they just scan the solar system (like we did, using our inferior technology) and come on over AGES ago?

Dumb, dumb, dumb.
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8:52AM on 05/15/2012
Why oh why is Rihanna in this?
Why oh why is Rihanna in this?
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5:51PM on 05/15/2012
If Rihanna is your main concern about this film...you need better taste in films ( unless you mean she should be in a better movie.)
If Rihanna is your main concern about this film...you need better taste in films ( unless you mean she should be in a better movie.)
+7
4:42AM on 05/15/2012
Not surprised, though I must say I didn't quite expect it to be that bad. Even the trailer made it look slightly entertaining. And what the heck is Liam Neeson doing in this? Just as the guy has a good thing going, he stars in this obvious garbage pile? I love a good action film, but this had disaster written all over it. No thanks, I got my fill from Avengers and will gladly save my money for TDKR and Expendables 2.
Not surprised, though I must say I didn't quite expect it to be that bad. Even the trailer made it look slightly entertaining. And what the heck is Liam Neeson doing in this? Just as the guy has a good thing going, he stars in this obvious garbage pile? I love a good action film, but this had disaster written all over it. No thanks, I got my fill from Avengers and will gladly save my money for TDKR and Expendables 2.
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11:45AM on 05/15/2012
I will say this, Spiderman looks a hundred times better than this piece of trash, but it will probably make more money than 2/3s of the movies that come out, because it has no plot and lots of explosions...
I will say this, Spiderman looks a hundred times better than this piece of trash, but it will probably make more money than 2/3s of the movies that come out, because it has no plot and lots of explosions...
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2:00PM on 05/15/2012

No Tagline? Plus...

Rihanna looks terrible in that pic, and throw a blonde wig on Kitsch and he's Joan Rivers. Also, why did they name their battle ship after the bassist for Led Zeppelin?
Rihanna looks terrible in that pic, and throw a blonde wig on Kitsch and he's Joan Rivers. Also, why did they name their battle ship after the bassist for Led Zeppelin?
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+4
6:15AM on 05/15/2012
I'll probably stick it somewhere down in the bowels of my Netflix queue once it comes out on blu-ray, but I never considered going to see this at the theater.
I'll probably stick it somewhere down in the bowels of my Netflix queue once it comes out on blu-ray, but I never considered going to see this at the theater.
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6:19AM on 05/15/2012
Here's my question: I'm wondering if Peter Berg throws another curveball like he did in the third act of "Hancock".
Here's my question: I'm wondering if Peter Berg throws another curveball like he did in the third act of "Hancock".
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7:51AM on 05/15/2012
At least Hancock was a fresh take on the superhero genre in a sea of adaptations (many of which turned out to be disappointing anyway).

I thought Hancock was solid and I think the twist was an interesting and fun way to propel the story forward.

I'm actually really interested to see if they will explore the history between Hancock and you know who in a sequel.

Battleship was a painful sight from the get go. Just everything about it is terrible.
At least Hancock was a fresh take on the superhero genre in a sea of adaptations (many of which turned out to be disappointing anyway).

I thought Hancock was solid and I think the twist was an interesting and fun way to propel the story forward.

I'm actually really interested to see if they will explore the history between Hancock and you know who in a sequel.

Battleship was a painful sight from the get go. Just everything about it is terrible.
1:38PM on 05/16/2012

I knew it was gonna suck!

Boredom will bring me to the theater to see this...that and hoping Rhiannna dies....oh yeah...The USS John Paul Jones was named after a Captain in the American RevolutionAry War.....not the legendary bassist from Led Zeppelin......we already got Peter Berg making a mockery of my beloved navy....don't add to it, buddy.
Boredom will bring me to the theater to see this...that and hoping Rhiannna dies....oh yeah...The USS John Paul Jones was named after a Captain in the American RevolutionAry War.....not the legendary bassist from Led Zeppelin......we already got Peter Berg making a mockery of my beloved navy....don't add to it, buddy.
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+1
12:24AM on 05/16/2012
What's sad here is that Peter Berg is actually a fairly competent director - look at 2004's Friday Night Lights - it's just a shame to see him resort to this. But, like JimmyO said, some may be in the mood for this kind of film, but I'm definitely not one of them.
What's sad here is that Peter Berg is actually a fairly competent director - look at 2004's Friday Night Lights - it's just a shame to see him resort to this. But, like JimmyO said, some may be in the mood for this kind of film, but I'm definitely not one of them.
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9:02PM on 05/15/2012

So....The Avengers again this wknd, Ok

"Head in a pot" You guys have not been wrong before so either The Avengers or Hunger Games and w8 for the DVD
"Head in a pot" You guys have not been wrong before so either The Avengers or Hunger Games and w8 for the DVD
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11:26PM on 05/16/2012

Oh, God.

I knew this wasn't going to be anything of any worth the second I saw the trailer. "Hey look! It's the guy from "Taken" and has insane CGI like "Transformers"! Definitely checking this one out when it comes out *High Fives Friend*" Actual scenario at the theatre the first time I saw the preview. SMDH. Loved your review by the way! Hopefully, America sinks their Battleship and skips this one.
I knew this wasn't going to be anything of any worth the second I saw the trailer. "Hey look! It's the guy from "Taken" and has insane CGI like "Transformers"! Definitely checking this one out when it comes out *High Fives Friend*" Actual scenario at the theatre the first time I saw the preview. SMDH. Loved your review by the way! Hopefully, America sinks their Battleship and skips this one.
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+0
1:51PM on 05/16/2012

good rating

I've just watched this. Terrible movie - very loud and obnoxious - those are the two best words I can come up with. The tone i also all over the place and many characters are simply annoying. Much like Bay movies or Battle: LA it feels more like an ode to American soldiers than an actual movie. If I had to find some pros than I guess the songs were cool and some of the man-made battleship sequences looked good. Then again the alien designs were dreadful and didn't feel effective at all. (I
I've just watched this. Terrible movie - very loud and obnoxious - those are the two best words I can come up with. The tone i also all over the place and many characters are simply annoying. Much like Bay movies or Battle: LA it feels more like an ode to American soldiers than an actual movie. If I had to find some pros than I guess the songs were cool and some of the man-made battleship sequences looked good. Then again the alien designs were dreadful and didn't feel effective at all. (I guess a war movie about the fight of only man-made battleships would be a much better idea)
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11:09AM on 05/15/2012

Love your opening line, JimmyO

but 'mom[']s' needs an apostrophe [/grammar police]. I suspect my opinion of this movie will be very similar to yours.
but 'mom[']s' needs an apostrophe [/grammar police]. I suspect my opinion of this movie will be very similar to yours.
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12:26PM on 05/15/2012
Thanks bro... I swear I had put that in... Ugh!
Thanks bro... I swear I had put that in... Ugh!
7:55AM on 05/15/2012
The same people who pay to see crappy spoofs will pay to see this garbage. Add to that the fans of wannabe "gangsta" Rihanna and fans of Liam Neeson who don't know much about Battleship and think it will be on the level of many of his previous films. This film is going to make money, even though I would like to see it flop so projects like this don't get greenlit.
The same people who pay to see crappy spoofs will pay to see this garbage. Add to that the fans of wannabe "gangsta" Rihanna and fans of Liam Neeson who don't know much about Battleship and think it will be on the level of many of his previous films. This film is going to make money, even though I would like to see it flop so projects like this don't get greenlit.
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7:13PM on 05/15/2012
wannabe gangsta Rihanna? You are either waaay too old to use words like ganagsta or you have no idea the definition... unless Rihanna has been spitting rhymes about selling kilos of coke and i just missed it.
wannabe gangsta Rihanna? You are either waaay too old to use words like ganagsta or you have no idea the definition... unless Rihanna has been spitting rhymes about selling kilos of coke and i just missed it.
9:24PM on 05/16/2012
I haven't seen the film, so if this question is addressed in it, forgive me. Does this United States even have battleships anymore? I was under the impression they were all decommissioned in the early 1990's after the first Gulf war.
I haven't seen the film, so if this question is addressed in it, forgive me. Does this United States even have battleships anymore? I was under the impression they were all decommissioned in the early 1990's after the first Gulf war.
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4:47AM on 05/16/2012
I knew this movie would end up being shit. As much as I like Peter Berg as a director, ya have to wonder what drew him & the other actors to this movie. I smell another bomb for Kitsch also, poor guy just can't catch a break. Now lets see what Bumbray thought of this movie.
I knew this movie would end up being shit. As much as I like Peter Berg as a director, ya have to wonder what drew him & the other actors to this movie. I smell another bomb for Kitsch also, poor guy just can't catch a break. Now lets see what Bumbray thought of this movie.
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-7
6:28AM on 05/15/2012
Oh come on. This wasnt anywhere nearly as stupid, boring and offensive as these moviess "based on a toy franchise". The FX were good, the story was ok and the cast had something to do at least (somebody gonna explain me the roles of Malkovich and and MacDormand in TF3?). I would give it a 5/10.
Oh come on. This wasnt anywhere nearly as stupid, boring and offensive as these moviess "based on a toy franchise". The FX were good, the story was ok and the cast had something to do at least (somebody gonna explain me the roles of Malkovich and and MacDormand in TF3?). I would give it a 5/10.
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