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Review: Killers

2 10

PLOT: Jen is a young woman who has recently broken up with her boyfriend. She takes a vacation, along with her parents and meets a handsome bloke named Spencer. The two spend time together, fall in love and then the shite hits the fan. You see, he is a hired killer and she finds out the hard way. Not soon enough, everyone wants to kill the happy couple (including the audience) and they just want to be left alone. Blah, blah, blah… they end up whatever.

REVIEW: Yes, it is as bad as it looks. KILLERS, the new “comedy” starring Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl revolves around a hitman who tries to change his life. He meets the right woman, falls in love and quits the biz so to speak. And I didn’t care either way. The problem is that there are two films here. The first is a romantic comedy. It is very basic and very bland. Heigl and Kutcher play Spencer and Jen, yet there is barely a spark between them. Oh yes, Spencer happens to be a hired killer, but there is not a single moment you’d believe it. He is likable enough, but there is nothing mysterious or interesting about his hired gun. And the romance between he and Jen is textbook dull while only offering a laugh or two. I didn’t root for this couple, and frankly, I didn’t care if they made it or not.

As far as the “action”, the endless fight sequences occur about an hour in. They simply consist of someone shooting at the couple, then a fight sequence and the ultimate death of the adversary. You want excitement, romance and adventure? You won’t find it here. This poorly constructed flick lags along to the inevitable end. The outcome of the violence is surprisingly vicious at times, yet it unbelievably boring. Worse than that, it is a struggle to stay awake throughout. At one point, I kept hoping that one of the morons chasing our heroes would finally get a shot. But no such luck. One by one, the baddies show up and bore the hell out of the viewer. Sure there is a reason, but who the hell cares?

As far as the supporting cast goes, only one added a real sense of fun to this train wreck of a movie. Jen’s mom, played by Catherine O’Hara, is a massive alcoholic and really does what I wished I had been doing. She is constantly drinking. She’s probably trying to forget that she agreed to do the film. As for Tom Selleck, he is pretty much just Tom Selleck (as Jen’s father) giving dirty looks to Ashton Kutcher. As for the cardboard cutouts that filled out the rest of the cast, it was impossible to care who is who. I was surprised at how many of these lamebrains with guns they try to throw in at the end. These characters were called “sleepers”, never has a name seemed more fitting. But worse than that, when the guns are blazing, it made the first hour seem nearly decent. Jeez, just trying to remember the film to write a review annoys me.

I may be in the minority, but I sort of like Heigl. When we first meet her, she is dealing with a break-up, and having to take a vacation with her parents. Sure she is pretty, but I find her fairly adorable when she is playing a bit of an oddball. The dialogue is really poor and beyond anything resembling charming, but she manages to pull off a couple of cute moments. Even Kutcher had a second or two, just not the hired killer part, not even close on that one. Yet the two of them together could not salvage the drab and lifeless romance.

This subject has been handled before, and usually much better than this. I was bored beyond belief, but I’m sure that if you really dig either of the two leads maybe it might be bearable. But the truth is, as I mentioned, I can barely remember a single moment from Killers. Wait…! No, I lost it. Killers is a forgettable waste that will have you wanting to kill to get that part of your life back. My rating 2.5/10 -- JimmyO




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