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Review: The Three Musketeers 3D

Oct. 21, 2011by: Chris Bumbray

PLOT: Young D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman) journeys to Paris, hoping to join his Musketeer idols, Athos (Matthew MacFayden), Aramis (Luke Evans), and Porthos (Ray Stevenson). He arrives to find the Musketeers, recently betrayed by the duplicitous Milady (Milla Jovovich), dejected and reduced to brawling drunkenly with the power-mongering Cardinal Richelieu’s (Christophe Waltz) guards. Meanwhile, the evil Duke of Buckingham (Orlando Bloom) plots to take over France with the help of his flying war machine. If that last part sounds stupid, that’s only because it is…

REVIEW: After sitting (or rather, suffering) through TWIXT at TIFF, I breathed a sigh of relief. It was so bad, I figured that nothing else could possibly come out that would be nearly as bad- but alas, I hadn’t yet suffered through Paul W.S Anderson’s THREE MUSKETEERS. Nothing, repeat, NOTHING could have prepared me for the absolute agony I’d suffer through here.

They’re calling this an updating of Alexandre Dumas’ classic tale for “modern audiences”. Bullshit. This is an updating for morons.


I can imagine how the pitch meeting for this must have gone:

“Hey, did you see the grosses on SHERLOCK HOLMES? Wow, this reboot thing is gold I tell ya, GOLD. If it worked for SHERLOCK, how about THREE MUSKETEERS? But wait, isn’t there a lot of talking in THREE MUSKETEERS? Talking is GAAAAY. And explosions- there aren’t any! WTF? How can we expect anyone to go see a movie without explosions? Oh, we can throw some in? Wicked- just as long as they’re CG. And the sword fights, fine, at least we can have them poke at the screen in 3D- and THIS HAS to be 3D- but can we have some flying ships too? Oh, you mean there weren’t any in the 19th century! Well fine! We’ll just use Da Vinci’s old designs to explain things. Yeah, sure- it worked for HUDSON HAWK. Ok, so let’s get some blimps in this! Also, there sure are a lot of guys in THREE MUSKETEERS. What a sausage fest! Wait a second, how about we turn Milady de Winter into an ass-kicking assassin, with lots of slo-mo action like in RESIDENT EVIL. Oh wait, Milla’s available? Nice. For the rest of the guys - umm, PUNISHER, that guy from ROBIN HOOD who played the sheriff, and umm, for the other one, just get the guy who played the sheriff’s sidekick. He’s British, right? Good. Need an American for D’Artagnan though. PERCY JACKSON? Hell yeah, we got ourselves a movie!”

OK, I know I`m being a twerp with my review so far, but I just despised everything this film stands for. THE THREE MUSKETEERS is a classic story, and it’s awfully hard to screw up, but Anderson found a way. I know a lot of people think he`s only about half a step up from Uwe Boll, but I think he has some talent. EVENT HORIZON proved that, and the RESIDENT EVIL movies are OK for what they are.


Heck, even if they had given THREE MUSKETEERS a SHERLOCK-style updating, it could have worked. SHERLOCK was a classy, fun ride that, despite being amped up to 11, still stayed faithful in spirit to the stories. This on the other hand, is absolute hacky trash that`s manages to screw up Dumas` story so completely (or whatever`s left of it), that`s your jaw will be on the floor marveling at the sheer badness of it all.

What a shame, as we really could use a fun updating of MUSKETEERS. The last two versions, which were the '93 Disney version and the Peter Hyams Wire-Fu THE MUSKETEER were both bad in their own way, although they both come off smelling like a rose next to this. I could easily see a top director making an amazing, action-packed trilogy out of Dumas`original MUSKETEERS series of novels (including TWENTY YEARS LATER, and THE VICOMTE OF BRAGLONNE, which got a pretty decent film from Randall Wallace in the nineties as THE MAN IN THE IRON MASK).

Surprisingly, the casting here isn’t bad. MacFayden, Evans, and Stevenson are actually solid choices (Evans will likely breakout big time after THE HOBBIT, and MacFayden is a heck of a good actor), but the dialogue they`re given is absolute trash. At one point, Evans as Aramis, complains that someone`s horse "took a dump" and Stevenson, as Porthos, threatens to "kick some ass." It feels like the script was written by a frat boy, who thinks the Musketeer story comes from "that wicked nineties flick with Charlie Sheen and Kiefer Sutherland."


The person I really feel bad for here is Logan Lerman, who, while BADLY miscast, puts a lot of energy into his role as D`Artagnan. This is really the wrong role for him, but it`s clear the kid`s got talent.

Heck, most of the people in this have talent, even Orlando Bloom, who`s unfairly been tainted by the failure of ELIZABETHTOWN and the perceived failure of KINGDOM OF HEAVEN (a great film). He tries to have a little fun as Buckingham, and of everyone, he probably comes off the best- which is to say, not very good. As for Christophe Waltz, once again, he plays Hans Landa, and it would be nice to see him stretch a bit (although I imagine he`ll get his chance in CARNAGE, and DJANGO UNCHAINED which, in the script, is yet another iconic role).

Pretty much the only positive thing I can say about THE 3D MUSKETEERS is that the 3D is actually pretty good, although the constant thrusting of swords at the screen is gimmicky in the extreme.

For all I know, Anderson's a nice enough guy, but what he`s done to the THREE MUSKETEERS is criminal. It's downright vulgar at how stupid Anderson seems to think his audience is, and if people slap down fifteen bucks to see this, they`re being suckered. Please, DO NOT go see THE 3D MUSKETEERS, as it`s everything bad about movies today tied up in a hideous little package. Oh yeah, and it ends with the threat of a sequel. God forbid.

Extra Tidbit: The best D'Artagnan is still Gene Kelly. For Athos, I'd say it's a toss-up between Oliver Reed and John Malkovich. Aramis is Jeremy Irons. Porthos- call me crazy, but Oliver Platt.
Source: JoBlo.com

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6:02AM on 10/18/2011
Anderson is in urgent need of several sudden and hard punches to the balls.
Anderson is in urgent need of several sudden and hard punches to the balls.
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6:42AM on 10/18/2011
There´s a rumor. Anderson´s balls dangling on the end of a necklace hanging on Millas neck. Just sayin.
There´s a rumor. Anderson´s balls dangling on the end of a necklace hanging on Millas neck. Just sayin.
-9
6:38AM on 10/18/2011
To be fair, I don’t feel this is really 1/10. I mean I would rate gay porn zero, so this has to be more than slightly better. Maybe a 4/10? I don’t know. In any case your conversation is probably very accurate, although it was probably much shorter, more like Sherlock made money, so lets butcher the musketeers. The problem is, is that Sherlock did make money. And if you give 3M 1/10, then Sherlock must receive the same rating.

There was no mystery to solve – all Holmes did was explain how it
To be fair, I don’t feel this is really 1/10. I mean I would rate gay porn zero, so this has to be more than slightly better. Maybe a 4/10? I don’t know. In any case your conversation is probably very accurate, although it was probably much shorter, more like Sherlock made money, so lets butcher the musketeers. The problem is, is that Sherlock did make money. And if you give 3M 1/10, then Sherlock must receive the same rating.

There was no mystery to solve – all Holmes did was explain how it was done, while the audience knew Blackwood wasn’t dead and he was the villain. If you want a really good modernization of Holmes, watch the BBC Sherlock – that’s a great show! In any case, people go to see crap like this and Anderson is in the “business” of making money, not art, so he has to capitalize on the current market, which is full of shit.
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6:56AM on 10/18/2011
1/10? Is it that bad? I'll probably wait for the dvd.
1/10? Is it that bad? I'll probably wait for the dvd.
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7:22AM on 10/18/2011
I believe you when you write that the film is bad but I can't believe for a second that it deserves only a 1/10. This has always been one of those movies where it has been cool to bash and hate on.
I believe you when you write that the film is bad but I can't believe for a second that it deserves only a 1/10. This has always been one of those movies where it has been cool to bash and hate on.
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1:07PM on 10/18/2011
It's Paul Anderson....its going to be shit. Don't live in denial my friend. Go watch Men and Black 2.
It's Paul Anderson....its going to be shit. Don't live in denial my friend. Go watch Men and Black 2.
+10
7:52AM on 10/18/2011
I thought it looked awful from the first spot. Absolutely nothing about it looked appealing. Thank you for confirming my suspicions. Just another attempt to squeeze our wallets.
I thought it looked awful from the first spot. Absolutely nothing about it looked appealing. Thank you for confirming my suspicions. Just another attempt to squeeze our wallets.
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8:27AM on 10/18/2011
So glad this is so bad. With talent like they had, I kept thinking it would sting if this was somehow even watchable.

I've yet to see the Richard Lester Musketeers, but after reading the book, as bad as the '93 version was, Kiefer Sutherland is one of the few I can appreciate in the role of Athos. Much as I like MacFayden, I couldn't imagine him in that role.
So glad this is so bad. With talent like they had, I kept thinking it would sting if this was somehow even watchable.

I've yet to see the Richard Lester Musketeers, but after reading the book, as bad as the '93 version was, Kiefer Sutherland is one of the few I can appreciate in the role of Athos. Much as I like MacFayden, I couldn't imagine him in that role.
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-23
9:44AM on 10/18/2011
Most here just seemed predisposed to hate on anything W.S. (who, yeah, has some big stinkers, but I think is one of the better pure action directors out there right now). Who gives a crap about the worth of the content in this case? I already have the Gene Kelly 3M, that's all I need there. I'm in it for the W.S. 3D and the Jovovich. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if "Afterlife" proved anything it's that W.S. knows 3D better than anyone else in the game right now... at least those
Most here just seemed predisposed to hate on anything W.S. (who, yeah, has some big stinkers, but I think is one of the better pure action directors out there right now). Who gives a crap about the worth of the content in this case? I already have the Gene Kelly 3M, that's all I need there. I'm in it for the W.S. 3D and the Jovovich. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if "Afterlife" proved anything it's that W.S. knows 3D better than anyone else in the game right now... at least those of whom have shown their hand of yet (come on MarSco, blow me away!).
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6:15PM on 10/18/2011
You guys crack me up :)

Of course I mean that sarcastically, but it is actually hilarious to be told what's what by a guy who types, "your a tool".

Chambers - you seem to be disregarding the "in this case" part of my comment. Yeah, who cares about content IN THIS CASE? It's a Paul W.S. Anderson film - it's all about the aesthetic. There are about two sentences in this review about the aesthetic, the rest criticizing the questionable adaptation of Dumas' work. W.S. could make a film about
You guys crack me up :)

Of course I mean that sarcastically, but it is actually hilarious to be told what's what by a guy who types, "your a tool".

Chambers - you seem to be disregarding the "in this case" part of my comment. Yeah, who cares about content IN THIS CASE? It's a Paul W.S. Anderson film - it's all about the aesthetic. There are about two sentences in this review about the aesthetic, the rest criticizing the questionable adaptation of Dumas' work. W.S. could make a film about people eating shit and I'd be there just to see how he filmed it (probably a bad example, as Pasolini's film involving shit-eating is actually one of the best films I've ever seen).

HalfLife... how is slow motion wrong? I suppose you prefer claustrophobic chaos - the type you can only determine the content of once it's over with. I like to revel in each glorious shot of the best films, and for my money "Resident Evil: Afterlife" has the greatest action I've seen in a theater.

Again... it's a farking W.S. Anderson film. Is anyone expecting a great script with fantastic storytelling? I sure hope not - you picked the wrong director for that... but this guy IS one of the best pure action directors - he knows what looks good and sexy and he knows how to shoot for the editing room. His action punctuation, his emphasis, his compositions... they 'wow' me just about every time... and, judging from "Afterlife", 3D is the best thing that could have happened to him.

This is all said with the notion in mind that I could see 3M Thursday night after more than a year of anticipation and wind up utterly disappointed... but the pessimism and unwillingness to recognize technical achievements is baffling.
1:06PM on 10/18/2011
Best "pure" action dierectors??? Wow, your a tool. Nice avatar too, explains everything.

His action scenes are fucking crap, witch horrible cutting, "Flashy" slo-mo, pretty much everything that is WRONG with action scenes today, and you like it......Are you sure you even know what a "good" movie is? Maybe you should check out yahoo.com for their movie forums.
Best "pure" action dierectors??? Wow, your a tool. Nice avatar too, explains everything.

His action scenes are fucking crap, witch horrible cutting, "Flashy" slo-mo, pretty much everything that is WRONG with action scenes today, and you like it......Are you sure you even know what a "good" movie is? Maybe you should check out yahoo.com for their movie forums.
10:39AM on 10/18/2011
"Who gives a crap about the worth of the content in this case?"

So just release crap and it's okay, that's what you're saying...?
"Who gives a crap about the worth of the content in this case?"

So just release crap and it's okay, that's what you're saying...?
9:44AM on 10/18/2011
Awww now I wanna see it just to see how bad it really is........ Anyone wanna buy me a ticket...... WHAT....... I ain't buying it..... Fuck that. Not after 1/10.
Awww now I wanna see it just to see how bad it really is........ Anyone wanna buy me a ticket...... WHAT....... I ain't buying it..... Fuck that. Not after 1/10.
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10:01AM on 10/18/2011
Enormous thank you for a review, fellows! In the CIS most critics met on that a film is good, therefore there is a very delight to honour such review!
Enormous thank you for a review, fellows! In the CIS most critics met on that a film is good, therefore there is a very delight to honour such review!
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10:38AM on 10/18/2011
Worst three musketeers movie since Man in the Iron Mask. Sweet holy shitballs did that movie ever suck.

And yes, Oliver Platt is the best Porthos.
Worst three musketeers movie since Man in the Iron Mask. Sweet holy shitballs did that movie ever suck.

And yes, Oliver Platt is the best Porthos.
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10:47AM on 10/18/2011
Ha ha ha! So harsh. I love it!
Ha ha ha! So harsh. I love it!
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10:53AM on 10/18/2011
I figured this wouldn't be very good but its gotta be better than 1/10. I mean maybe i'm wrong but it seems like there is some entertainment to be had here. I was hoping for like 4/10 haha.
I figured this wouldn't be very good but its gotta be better than 1/10. I mean maybe i'm wrong but it seems like there is some entertainment to be had here. I was hoping for like 4/10 haha.
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1:00PM on 10/19/2011
No i actually hate that franchise. I was just hoping this could be something entertaining during our lackluster halloween season!
No i actually hate that franchise. I was just hoping this could be something entertaining during our lackluster halloween season!
1:03PM on 10/18/2011
Ahhh, so you like this guys shit movies eh? Resident Evil Movie fan?
Ahhh, so you like this guys shit movies eh? Resident Evil Movie fan?
+9
11:46AM on 10/18/2011

Saw a screening months back

This movie pissed me off AND I SAW IT FOR FREE. You hit the spot regarding the cast. Macfadyen's voice alone gave me chills and I wished there was more of the three Musketeers - with a completely different script, of course. The 3D added some great depth at parts, but became so gratuitous with the "Let's see what we can thrust out of the screen during this fight sequence" attitude. It's been months and this movie still irks me to no degree.
This movie pissed me off AND I SAW IT FOR FREE. You hit the spot regarding the cast. Macfadyen's voice alone gave me chills and I wished there was more of the three Musketeers - with a completely different script, of course. The 3D added some great depth at parts, but became so gratuitous with the "Let's see what we can thrust out of the screen during this fight sequence" attitude. It's been months and this movie still irks me to no degree.
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-13
12:01PM on 10/18/2011
It seems like you suffer through neary every film you review. Do you even like movies? I guess this goes to show that money talks and bullshit walks.
It seems like you suffer through neary every film you review. Do you even like movies? I guess this goes to show that money talks and bullshit walks.
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3:59AM on 10/19/2011
I'm not really defending this movie or this director, but I follow this site pretty well, and I just seem to notice that this reviewer tends to be negative about most movies he reviews. I know some movies are pretty bad, but something good can be found in most. What really bugged me with Bumbray's review is that he seems to let his bias for this director influence his review.
I'm not really defending this movie or this director, but I follow this site pretty well, and I just seem to notice that this reviewer tends to be negative about most movies he reviews. I know some movies are pretty bad, but something good can be found in most. What really bugged me with Bumbray's review is that he seems to let his bias for this director influence his review.
4:25PM on 10/18/2011
Good point @ cdf21882... this movie looks like shit and was made by a director with a shitty resume, so Bumbray must be NUTS! If he doesn't like this movie we haven't seen, and has given shitty movies I have seen shitty reviews, it indeed begs the question - does he even like movies? Bumbray, please, answer us!!! PLEASE!!!
Good point @ cdf21882... this movie looks like shit and was made by a director with a shitty resume, so Bumbray must be NUTS! If he doesn't like this movie we haven't seen, and has given shitty movies I have seen shitty reviews, it indeed begs the question - does he even like movies? Bumbray, please, answer us!!! PLEASE!!!
3:38PM on 10/18/2011
Do you even read Bumbray's reviews? There are plenty of positive one's on this site.

Go to "Reviews" and sort by Author.
Do you even read Bumbray's reviews? There are plenty of positive one's on this site.

Go to "Reviews" and sort by Author.
12:58PM on 10/18/2011
Ok Mr. Hellraiser avatar. Has it ever come to your little brain that A LOT of movies today are SHIT. I love movies, especially from the 80's and 90's. While great films are still made today, there is way MORE shit today, and this film happens to be one.

Go watch Resident Evil or this, you seem like the type of person who likes this garbage.
Ok Mr. Hellraiser avatar. Has it ever come to your little brain that A LOT of movies today are SHIT. I love movies, especially from the 80's and 90's. While great films are still made today, there is way MORE shit today, and this film happens to be one.

Go watch Resident Evil or this, you seem like the type of person who likes this garbage.
12:18PM on 10/18/2011
See, Holmes WAS faithful to Arthur Conan Doyle (as cited correctly). Few details changed and it certainly got a bit more epic but still at its core a Holmes story. And given that Doyle wrote far more outlandish pulp, not that over the top. This, Dumas wrote textured, morally complex stories. This ain't gonna be one methinks.
See, Holmes WAS faithful to Arthur Conan Doyle (as cited correctly). Few details changed and it certainly got a bit more epic but still at its core a Holmes story. And given that Doyle wrote far more outlandish pulp, not that over the top. This, Dumas wrote textured, morally complex stories. This ain't gonna be one methinks.
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12:18PM on 10/18/2011

Not a twerp at all

Chris, I think you're bang on with your review, and I think it's high time MANY of the production houses got their act together and stopped making the assumption that the people who spend money on movies are drooling neanderthals who can't form complete sentences. I recently had a similar discussion with a close pal and fellow avid movie buff about the controversy surrounding "The Lone Ranger" with Johnny Depp.

They were going to shelve the movie because Gore Verbinski needed $250 million to
Chris, I think you're bang on with your review, and I think it's high time MANY of the production houses got their act together and stopped making the assumption that the people who spend money on movies are drooling neanderthals who can't form complete sentences. I recently had a similar discussion with a close pal and fellow avid movie buff about the controversy surrounding "The Lone Ranger" with Johnny Depp.

They were going to shelve the movie because Gore Verbinski needed $250 million to do the film the way he needed to do it, as a film with heavy CGI, etc...

My immediate reaction was "WTF????!!! It's a movie about a guy, an mative american sidekick, some horses, a bad guy, and lots of gunfights!! WTF do you need $250 million to make that movie???"

gotta run, and I'm leaving mid-rant, but i assure you i was getting to a point...
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+2
12:19PM on 10/18/2011
If I had all the time/money in the world and didn't believe in voting with my dollar I'd be there opening weekend. This looks horrific.
If I had all the time/money in the world and didn't believe in voting with my dollar I'd be there opening weekend. This looks horrific.
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+14
12:56PM on 10/18/2011

Sorry, but Anderson is SHIT

I can't believe there are people that actually like this dudes shit movies. Ok, ok, Event Horizon was just "ok." But everything this guy touches is SHIT. The Resident Evil movies are NOT fine for what they are. They are PURE fucking garbage that don't follow the games whatsoever, or even capture a SMALLLLL percentage of it.

This fucking hack loves slow motion in a shitty way, putting his wife in everything (who cares if shes hot), and fucking up stories. I truly TRULY don't understand
I can't believe there are people that actually like this dudes shit movies. Ok, ok, Event Horizon was just "ok." But everything this guy touches is SHIT. The Resident Evil movies are NOT fine for what they are. They are PURE fucking garbage that don't follow the games whatsoever, or even capture a SMALLLLL percentage of it.

This fucking hack loves slow motion in a shitty way, putting his wife in everything (who cares if shes hot), and fucking up stories. I truly TRULY don't understand the appeal in this dudes crapfests.
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2:33PM on 10/18/2011
Platt was just about the only good thing about that version of The Three Musketeers. And you didn't mention the Lady de Winter in your little tidbit - Lana Turner was the best in that role.
Platt was just about the only good thing about that version of The Three Musketeers. And you didn't mention the Lady de Winter in your little tidbit - Lana Turner was the best in that role.
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+7
2:42PM on 10/18/2011
I literally started laughing out loud when i saw the score was 1/10.. hahah, amazing.
I literally started laughing out loud when i saw the score was 1/10.. hahah, amazing.
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-4
2:58PM on 10/18/2011
I think it's funny how you think the 3M is hard to screw up then you mention the Disney version and The Musketeer, the latter of which was horrific. Not really building a strong case for your point there.
As for the W.S. version, haven't seen it but I expected it to be bad but in a fun bad way. Nothing wrong with a little over-the-top cheese now and then, and I'll see anything with my Milla in it. You're a sucker if you pay extra for the 3D though, and you deserve the headache you'll get.
I think it's funny how you think the 3M is hard to screw up then you mention the Disney version and The Musketeer, the latter of which was horrific. Not really building a strong case for your point there.
As for the W.S. version, haven't seen it but I expected it to be bad but in a fun bad way. Nothing wrong with a little over-the-top cheese now and then, and I'll see anything with my Milla in it. You're a sucker if you pay extra for the 3D though, and you deserve the headache you'll get.
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3:09PM on 10/18/2011

Accurate

Saw the movie awhile back and this review is spot-on. Actually, a 1/10 might even be too polite it's that bad of a movie. Chris didn't even touch upon the Musketeers' overweight lackey who's constantly harassed and pooped on by birds. Just dreadful.
Saw the movie awhile back and this review is spot-on. Actually, a 1/10 might even be too polite it's that bad of a movie. Chris didn't even touch upon the Musketeers' overweight lackey who's constantly harassed and pooped on by birds. Just dreadful.
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3:39PM on 10/18/2011
..........so pretty good right?
..........so pretty good right?
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3:44PM on 10/18/2011
Glad to see som e love for Kingdom of Heaven in this review. The theatrical release was good, but the Ridley Scott cut was spectacular. Remained a kick ass epic while still presenting balance to the age-old MidEast conflict.
Glad to see som e love for Kingdom of Heaven in this review. The theatrical release was good, but the Ridley Scott cut was spectacular. Remained a kick ass epic while still presenting balance to the age-old MidEast conflict.
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+2
3:44PM on 10/18/2011

Hey!

Hey!

Those of you jumping in to hate on Bumbray for hating this flick. Why don't you go and watch it yourself before saying C-Bum's just hating because he's a big time, rolling in the cash money, pimp daddy movie reviewer.

Hey!

Those of you jumping in to hate on Bumbray for hating this flick. Why don't you go and watch it yourself before saying C-Bum's just hating because he's a big time, rolling in the cash money, pimp daddy movie reviewer.

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3:46PM on 10/18/2011
This... does not surprise me, nor should it surprise anyone really.
This... does not surprise me, nor should it surprise anyone really.
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5:31PM on 10/18/2011

Two acronyms in a row without prior introduction?!

Sir, you forget yourself!
Also: Yes, I'm positive this movie's horrible.
Sir, you forget yourself!
Also: Yes, I'm positive this movie's horrible.
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6:08PM on 10/18/2011
Not surprised. However I find the 93 Disney version with Sutherland, Sheen, Platt, and Tim Curry to be my go to childhood swashbuckler. It was a fun/well done movie and I will always enjoy it. I am surprised this is worse than The Musketeer. Truly awful film.
Not surprised. However I find the 93 Disney version with Sutherland, Sheen, Platt, and Tim Curry to be my go to childhood swashbuckler. It was a fun/well done movie and I will always enjoy it. I am surprised this is worse than The Musketeer. Truly awful film.
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6:10PM on 10/18/2011
And I think best Athos is Keifer (this was before I knew him in anything and loved him for it) Best Aramis is def Jeremy Irons. Best Porthos is Platt you're NOT crazy and best D'Artagnan I think is Gabriel Byrne as I enjoyed the adult version better than the young idiot.
And I think best Athos is Keifer (this was before I knew him in anything and loved him for it) Best Aramis is def Jeremy Irons. Best Porthos is Platt you're NOT crazy and best D'Artagnan I think is Gabriel Byrne as I enjoyed the adult version better than the young idiot.
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+0
6:36PM on 10/18/2011

Not THAT bad!

I've just seen the film three hours ago.
Sure, it's not good, it never will be a cult film BUT I enjoyed it. For the same reasons I enjoyed Sherlock. In both cases, I've read the books, seen most of the film/TV adaptations, yet this new, hi-tech version proved to be entertaining to me. And the cast is pretty good.
Sure, it's not good, but hardly the worst movie I've seen this year.
I've just seen the film three hours ago.
Sure, it's not good, it never will be a cult film BUT I enjoyed it. For the same reasons I enjoyed Sherlock. In both cases, I've read the books, seen most of the film/TV adaptations, yet this new, hi-tech version proved to be entertaining to me. And the cast is pretty good.
Sure, it's not good, but hardly the worst movie I've seen this year.
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12:23AM on 10/19/2011
The film looks like a good time to kill 2 hours. The 1/10 rating because of the liberties taken from the novel is laughable. This is a movie, that is a book. Let it go.
The film looks like a good time to kill 2 hours. The 1/10 rating because of the liberties taken from the novel is laughable. This is a movie, that is a book. Let it go.
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10:10AM on 10/19/2011
No the 1/10 is for how ridiculously stupid and insulting the movie is. Im not all about comparing adaptations to the book but there are some things you just cant do when adapting a book. And completely pissing on the source material is one. Sherlock Holmes gave an update to a classic character without disrespecting the source material, this apparently does the opposite.
No the 1/10 is for how ridiculously stupid and insulting the movie is. Im not all about comparing adaptations to the book but there are some things you just cant do when adapting a book. And completely pissing on the source material is one. Sherlock Holmes gave an update to a classic character without disrespecting the source material, this apparently does the opposite.
1:03AM on 10/19/2011
I'm always down for a good period action flick but I draw the line at flying ships in 19th century France, Im sorry I can only suspend disbelief so much. Plus I can't stand Paul W.S. Anderson's "directing", he puts way too much slow motion in his movies.
I'm always down for a good period action flick but I draw the line at flying ships in 19th century France, Im sorry I can only suspend disbelief so much. Plus I can't stand Paul W.S. Anderson's "directing", he puts way too much slow motion in his movies.
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12:44PM on 10/21/2011
I don;t mind 19th Century balloons, but 17th Century balloons are blasphemous.
I don;t mind 19th Century balloons, but 17th Century balloons are blasphemous.
11:52AM on 10/19/2011
But most of them were failure until the late 1800s. Given the time period there's no way they could be produced on such a massive level that it appears they will be in the movie. That's were I can't suspend my disbelief.
But most of them were failure until the late 1800s. Given the time period there's no way they could be produced on such a massive level that it appears they will be in the movie. That's were I can't suspend my disbelief.
10:43AM on 10/19/2011
You mean like the dirigible which was invented in France in the 18th century and experimented with well into the 20th century? Yeah, totally unrealistic.
You mean like the dirigible which was invented in France in the 18th century and experimented with well into the 20th century? Yeah, totally unrealistic.
1:50AM on 10/19/2011
Best review ever written on JoBlo, it made me laugh out loud at the pitching paragraph. Yep when they showed the blimps in the preview I knew this movie would suck & am I the only person who doesn't like Mila Jovovich who's best role ironically is The Fifth Element which she barely talks & speaks rubbish.
Best review ever written on JoBlo, it made me laugh out loud at the pitching paragraph. Yep when they showed the blimps in the preview I knew this movie would suck & am I the only person who doesn't like Mila Jovovich who's best role ironically is The Fifth Element which she barely talks & speaks rubbish.
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+0
2:45AM on 10/19/2011
That's too bad. I knew this film would be bad, Anderson's films usually are, but I tend to enjoy his films anyway. Resident Evil was a terrible series, but had it's moments of enjoyment. Event Horizon and Mortal Kombat were both highly enjoyable. I'm sure I'd probably like this film more than most, but I guess I will be passing it up and waiting for NetFlix. Even worse, I now have nothing to see at the theater this weekend, as I have zero interest in seeing PA3. F'in nuts...
That's too bad. I knew this film would be bad, Anderson's films usually are, but I tend to enjoy his films anyway. Resident Evil was a terrible series, but had it's moments of enjoyment. Event Horizon and Mortal Kombat were both highly enjoyable. I'm sure I'd probably like this film more than most, but I guess I will be passing it up and waiting for NetFlix. Even worse, I now have nothing to see at the theater this weekend, as I have zero interest in seeing PA3. F'in nuts...
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+2
6:07AM on 10/19/2011

tidbit...

ur right about Platt...also was fun to see platt and bacon in xmen: first class, as they were in flatliners together as well...
ur right about Platt...also was fun to see platt and bacon in xmen: first class, as they were in flatliners together as well...
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10:44AM on 10/20/2011
I am glad this review will save my life, and several dollars.
I am glad this review will save my life, and several dollars.
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+2
12:00PM on 10/21/2011

Wasted Opportunity

The shame of it all was that for the most part it actually managed to follow the plot of the book. The inclusion of the airships and stupid RE style stunts WERE both stupid and pointless (The airship could easily have been replaced by a real ship and the story would have lost nothing and the film better for it!) Now I liked the RE films for what they were but this was a mess and yes Milla was totally miscast in it. I still think 1/10 was a bit harsh as I have seenmuch worse and think a 3 or 4
The shame of it all was that for the most part it actually managed to follow the plot of the book. The inclusion of the airships and stupid RE style stunts WERE both stupid and pointless (The airship could easily have been replaced by a real ship and the story would have lost nothing and the film better for it!) Now I liked the RE films for what they were but this was a mess and yes Milla was totally miscast in it. I still think 1/10 was a bit harsh as I have seenmuch worse and think a 3 or 4 would have been more appropriate because there were some (admittedly not many) good things about the film...
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12:21PM on 10/21/2011

wasted opportunity indeed

an update on a awesome story such as this would have been awesome if it had a good script that kept to the classic story with a good director and some decent actors it could have been good but anything paul ws anderson touches is always shit i think i would rather sit through transformers 3 than this!! i knew this would be shit from the moment the director was announced to the project!
an update on a awesome story such as this would have been awesome if it had a good script that kept to the classic story with a good director and some decent actors it could have been good but anything paul ws anderson touches is always shit i think i would rather sit through transformers 3 than this!! i knew this would be shit from the moment the director was announced to the project!
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1:45PM on 10/21/2011
The only thing talked about in this review is how this one compares to the novel and other movies and how the people in its careers have gone and will go..... very informative. Yeah this movie never looked good to me though.
The only thing talked about in this review is how this one compares to the novel and other movies and how the people in its careers have gone and will go..... very informative. Yeah this movie never looked good to me though.
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2:04PM on 10/21/2011

Pretty Much Confirms All the Skepticism I Had...

Nobody cared about this re-boot when they tried it in the '90s and this looks far worse. I hope it bombs.
Nobody cared about this re-boot when they tried it in the '90s and this looks far worse. I hope it bombs.
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-1
2:52PM on 10/21/2011
Proof that Anderson sucks SO HARD....
Proof that Anderson sucks SO HARD....
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4:35PM on 10/21/2011
Anderson's only best films are Event Horizon and the first Mortal Kombat film. I hope this film tanks rock bottom!
Anderson's only best films are Event Horizon and the first Mortal Kombat film. I hope this film tanks rock bottom!
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9:35PM on 10/21/2011
I can only agree with what this review is saying

[link]
I can only agree with what this review is saying

[link]
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+1
10:36PM on 10/21/2011
Well, I didn't think it was quite THAT bad. It's not good, but not disastrously bad. Here's my review:

[link]
Well, I didn't think it was quite THAT bad. It's not good, but not disastrously bad. Here's my review:

[link]
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1:19AM on 10/22/2011
I was going to see this but it moved WAY down my list with this 1/10 rating. Thanks for the heads up...
I was going to see this but it moved WAY down my list with this 1/10 rating. Thanks for the heads up...
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1:24PM on 10/22/2011

Agreed

Not always do I completely agree with a review that trashes a movie like this, but I was absolutely disgusted by what I saw. I think what you forgot or just left out was that they made 110 minute movie about the Three Musketeers and had the musketeers in it for about 30 or 40 minutes. Logan Lerman and Milla spoke with an American accent the entire time, and it was awfully looped. Plus three bad guys all getting screen time when not one of them was at all interesting.
Like you said this could
Not always do I completely agree with a review that trashes a movie like this, but I was absolutely disgusted by what I saw. I think what you forgot or just left out was that they made 110 minute movie about the Three Musketeers and had the musketeers in it for about 30 or 40 minutes. Logan Lerman and Milla spoke with an American accent the entire time, and it was awfully looped. Plus three bad guys all getting screen time when not one of them was at all interesting.
Like you said this could have taken a Sherlock/Pirates retelling and been very fun but those films had steady hands behind the camera in Ritchie and Verbinski. Paul W.S. Anderson is awful.
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+6
6:00PM on 10/22/2011
1/10... Ummm, seems a bit harsh.
But this is what Anderson does, makes nice looking, shiney pieces of disposable entertainment.
1/10... Ummm, seems a bit harsh.
But this is what Anderson does, makes nice looking, shiney pieces of disposable entertainment.
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