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This retro trailer for The Canyons gives us little hope for a quality movie

Nov. 15, 2012by: Alex Maidy

When the previous teaser for THE CANYONS was released in October, we were confused by how utterly bad it looked. This new teaser gives us a look at some more footage, this time cut in the style of a 1950s movie.

The result is beyond bad. This is embarrassing for all parties involved. The catchphrase "It's not The Hills" means they were going for some sort of spoof of the MTV "reality" series, but I think this ended up just being a trainwreck. Bret Easton Ellis and Paul Schrader had respectable movies but this project just desecrates their prior work. This is just pathetic.

Plot: THE CANYONS is a contemporary L.A. noir from director Paul Schrader, writer Bret Easton Ellis, and producer Braxton Pope about the dangers of sexual obsession and ambition, both personally and professionally, among a group of young people in their 20's and how one chance meeting connected to the past unravels all of their lives, resulting in deceit, paranoia, cruel mind games and ultimately violence.

I thought the trailer for Lindsay Lohan's LIZ & DICK was bad, but this is now the ultimate low for her career. Once this movie is released, I don't know if they can even give another movie a Golden Raspberry Award.

Starring Lohan, James Deen, and Amanda Brooks, THE CANYONS will be released "to an Internet server of your choice" in 2013. Wow, shocking they couldn't even find someone to air it On Demand.

Extra Tidbit: Lindsay Lohan could not look any worse.
Source: YouTube

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2:28PM on 11/16/2012
You're all watching it wrong-

*(Packs 2nd hash bowl)*

This shit is fucking great, real real funny. I totally get the vibe they are going for. That is so LA of her, OMG. She is a fucking rats nest but I can't help but want to fuck her until she disappears from the face of the earth, kinda like that one porn star...whats his name agai- HOLY SHIT ITS THAT FUCKING PORNSTAR RIGHT THERE! That guy is a beast on that one website so maybe this will be goo...OH YEAH, he's a fucking am-pro cock
You're all watching it wrong-

*(Packs 2nd hash bowl)*

This shit is fucking great, real real funny. I totally get the vibe they are going for. That is so LA of her, OMG. She is a fucking rats nest but I can't help but want to fuck her until she disappears from the face of the earth, kinda like that one porn star...whats his name agai- HOLY SHIT ITS THAT FUCKING PORNSTAR RIGHT THERE! That guy is a beast on that one website so maybe this will be goo...OH YEAH, he's a fucking am-pro cock slanger and she is The Two Worst Parents Trap of a God forbidden methampheta-dick addled offspring and this is a real movie trailer im watching. Fuck...

*(Packs 3rd bowl)*

Man this is fucking good. Can't wait.......Goddammit.

Oh and Extra Tidbit: Would you care to make a friendly wager on that?
Your Reply:



3:12PM on 11/16/2012
btw- "Internet Service Provider of Your Choice"?! I literally have never even heard that phrase tossed around the lowliest of B Movie hideouts.
btw- "Internet Service Provider of Your Choice"?! I literally have never even heard that phrase tossed around the lowliest of B Movie hideouts.
5:26AM on 11/16/2012
"In Technicolor" but the trailer is fucking black and white.
"In Technicolor" but the trailer is fucking black and white.
Your Reply:



9:42PM on 11/15/2012
Hahaha, I'm sorry. Is this supposed to be a thriller? I thought I was watching SNL spoof.
Hahaha, I'm sorry. Is this supposed to be a thriller? I thought I was watching SNL spoof.
Your Reply:



5:22PM on 11/15/2012
The narrator is beyond annoying.
The narrator is beyond annoying.
Your Reply:



5:20PM on 11/15/2012
The irony of finding better acting in porn is not lost on me.
The irony of finding better acting in porn is not lost on me.
Your Reply:



4:10PM on 11/15/2012

WOW.

The annoying teenage kids who live around the corner from me could've put something better together by using their iPhone after a lengthy Moutnain Dew binge. What the fuck WAS that? I fail to believe that this was a legitimate endeavor.
The annoying teenage kids who live around the corner from me could've put something better together by using their iPhone after a lengthy Moutnain Dew binge. What the fuck WAS that? I fail to believe that this was a legitimate endeavor.
Your Reply:



2:56PM on 11/15/2012
This is so bad it's actually comedic.
This is so bad it's actually comedic.
Your Reply:



2:47PM on 11/15/2012
Looks horrible, but if we got a few hardcore scenes of Deen treating Lohan like he does his porn co-stars, it could make for entertaining viewing.
Looks horrible, but if we got a few hardcore scenes of Deen treating Lohan like he does his porn co-stars, it could make for entertaining viewing.
Your Reply: