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What If?

It's back by popular demand, the column that makes you think so hard you'll need to stuff extra-strength tampons in your ears by the time you finish reading. JoBlo.com steps up to the plate with another round of alternate movie scenarios that take your favourite movies of all time and completely f*ck them up beyond recognition. Perfect for printing out and pooping with.

WHAT IF CUJO WAS A GIANT POODLE?

Is this even scary? A rabid St. Bernard smashing into the side of your car is one thing, but a rabid Poodle? Do they even have teeth? Imagine that fluffy white bastard below prancing around the yard trying to act menacing while Donna (Dee Wallace) and that annoying little retard Tad (Danny Pintauro, yo) hide in their car. When she finally decides to make a run for it, Fancy-Pants takes a break from going down on himself and attempts to chase her down. Stopping to adjust that fabulous bandana and a quick wee-wee, Cujo gets blindsided by a purse and runs off into the forest with nothing more than a whimper and a hairball hack. Twenty minutes into this new version it's over and Tad chokes on his tongue and dies. Just like the book.

"Raaaarrrrr"

WHAT IF ASH HAD TO CUT OFF HIS FOOT INSTEAD OF HIS HAND?

After Ash cuts off Linda's head, she latches onto his hand causing it to become possessed and eventually leads to him chopping it off and an epic battle of man against hand. So what if it was his foot? Ash still overpowers the pesky appendage but is left with a bloody stump and one hell of a limp. Does he still attach the chainsaw or does he improvise and go with the more logical lawnmower? Does having a lawnmower for a foot make Ash even cooler than having a chainsaw for a hand? Yes, yes it does. Wheeling around the cabin on a John Deere with mulching capabilities and optional bagging compartments makes killing demons a much cleaner and more efficient experience. This is the type of shit I think about.

WHAT IF CHARLES LEE RAY TRANSFERRED HIS SOUL INTO TICKLE ME ELMO?

CHILD'S PLAY was a surprise hit that used a doll for the majority of it's scares. Elmo was the biggest marketing sensation since the Slinky. Who wouldn't want to see this lovable little plush toy tell that woman in the elevator to go f*ck herself? Imagine how creepy his little giggle is when he holding a ten inch butcher knife and the hilarity of watching him struggle with Andy while laughing uncontrollably because his activation switch keeps getting pushed. Oddly enough, this might be a better movie.

WHAT IF GREMLINS FOLLOWED ITS OWN RULES?

Don't get me wrong here, I absolutely love this movie, but something doesn't seem right after you watch it a couple hundred times. They were pretty simple rules: 1) Don't get it wet, 2) Keep it away from bright light, and 3) Never feed it after midnight. Here's the thing though - What time zone do these rules apply? Midnight in their place of origin could be 8:00 PM in that little town they took over. Speaking of the take over, why doesn't the snow make them multiply? Or the drinks they pound back in the bar? If these rules actually applied there would be millions of these little f*ckers in a matter of minutes. The end of the world as we know it. I guess the budget wasn't big enough.

Source: Joblo.com

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