Cursed (2005)
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Review Date: February 25, 2005
Director: Wes Craven
Writer: Kevin Williamson
Producers: Kevin Williamson, Marianne Maddalena
Christina Ricci
Jesse Eisenberg
Omar Epps
A very cute girl, with a giant forehead, and her nerdy brother, with stutter in tow, get bit by an animal of sorts, and try to figure out what’s happening to them for the rest of the movie. Are they becoming werewolves? Who or what bit them? How does Chachi fit into all this? Why does this movie suck?
Meh. There are a whole bunch of things wrong with this supposed “horror” movie, and even though I hate “critic puns”, at the end of the day…this film simply does not have enough meat on its bones! It’s the film without a plot, as two siblings get bit by a “wolf of some kind”, and spend almost 2/3 of the film, trying to figure out what’s what. Now they’re either the two biggest morons on the face of this planet (yes, that’s a pentagram in your palm…put it together, taco!), or the screenplay is just lame with “stupid horror moves” all over the place including characters walking into rooms that they’re not supposed to, strolling around empty parking lots, baddies going on-and-on about their intentions, etc… Bah! At least if some of it was actually scary, coming from Wes Craven and Kevin Williamson, but it’s not. It’s just “there”. And it seems as though no one learned anything from John Landis’ amazing AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON as the werewolves in this film are CGI crap or men in puppet outfits, looking as adorable as ever (aren’t they supposed to be scary?). And that’s when they show up at all! About halfway through the movie, I was wondering if this was just a plain ol’ thriller-sans-lupines. I don’t normally notice a film’s score either, but the one here was as unpredictable and straight-to-video as they come, and the acting, which granted, generally isn’t really a horror movie’s strong suit, was also pretty bad with Ricci mannering her way through some pretty tepid dialogue. The back-and-forths between she and her brother also felt rushed. And don’t get me started on the two “jerk” characters, simply there to enter scenes and annoy the lead.

I also could have done without the not-so-subtle gay bashing peppered throughout the movie, which might’ve been somewhat avant-garde in 1992, but felt more like an agenda here. In fact, there was nothing really original about this movie in any which way or form. I can’t believe that Wes Craven actually directed this film, as much of it felt very straight-forward and without much tension (other than the one parking lot scene with Mya). That said, we apparently saw the R-cut here in Canada, so you Americanos might get even more screwed. And how “out of touch” was the film? As most of you probably already know, much like the EXORCIST: THE BEGINNING was re-shot entirely after the first version by director Paul Schrader apparently sucked, so was this film, although having seen this second version now, I can’t imagine the first try being much worse. That said, a chunk of this film takes place in and around TV’s “Late Show with Craig Kilborn.” And while it was nice to see ol’ Kilbie on the big screen again, the show was axed a few months back, leaving both it, and poor actor Scott Baio, looking quite out of place here. And yeah, we don’t even get a cool opening scene kill, for shit’s sakes! C’mon guys…why would anyone pay good money to see this? A few gory blood splatters, Ricci looking cute and that’s about all this kiddie wolf has to offer. Skip it and rent the aforementioned Landis film instead. Trust me…it holds up better than this crap, and I just saw this flick half an hour ago.

Note: Oh, and by the way, are the people in this film “cursed”? I’m not sure. I think they might’ve mentioned it about 80 times, but I’m still not quite sure I got it the first 79 times. We’re cursed. I believe we’re cursed. We have a curse. A curse is upon us. Woe is me, I am cursed. Fuck you and your curse, man…shut up and stop throwing people around like rag-dolls…act like a real werewolf and chew into some folk, godammit!
(c) 2018 Berge Garabedian

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