Well, last night was the big AKIRA premiere! Being an avid fan of Anime and a huge fan of AKIRA, I was juiced up beyond belief that I would be invited to the press only screening of the movie on Thursday night. Me? Press? Hahaha!! I obviously had them fooled. They were even kind enough to let me bring my wife, because as they explained, they added an extra screening at 10:30 because the 8:00 screening was over-booked. A 10:30 movie generally would be a little late for me, considering I don’t live in New York City, and the commute is a long one, but we decided to suck it up. How many opportunities like this come your way? In my case, not often. So after my wife and I both got off work, we loaded up the car and headed off for the Big Apple.

Unfortunately, it was doing a little bit of raining last night in the tri-state area. I, personally, hate driving in the rain, mostly because my car is a piece of crap and I expect it to crumble any day now. Things were going well at first, except for a few minor traffic delays. That’s OK, you have to expect that when driving into the city. Plus, I was going to see my favorite Japanese animation film of all time, brand spankin’ new and restored and that was keeping me smiling. By the way, if you’re wondering why I’m boring you with all this minutiae, stay tuned. It’ll all make sense.

On the way into the city, we were supposed to meet up with some old friends of mine, who we haven’t seen in some time. The directions we had to the bar were shoddy at best and our attempts to call for help were fruitless, as we were slowly losing the battery and connection on our cell phone. Now things were getting a little frustrated. We were trying to find this hole in the wall bar in the middle of Greenwich Village, which is a real treat to drive around, lost, at night, in the rain. After driving around aimlessly for about 30 minutes or so, I finally decide to give up and head over to the theater. I figure, if we’re there a little early for the 10:30 show, it couldn’t hurt. Wouldn’t you know it, as soon as those words spill from my mouth, I notice the bar, right there on the side of the road. OK, fine. We’ll run in, say hi, grab a quick beer and be on our way. But wait, where to park? Parking in the Village is almost as fun as driving around lost, at night, in the rain. Nothing like circling New York City blocks, a maze of narrow, one-way streets, trying to find parking without straying too far from your destination. Being at the brink of insanity at this point, I decide to park illegally and quick run to the bar. So we do, and we get soaked and eventually make it to where we’re going. I got to see some friends again, which was great, and I hardly noticed the beer being spilled down my back, because I was already soaked anyway. We couldn’t stay long, considering we wasted so much time getting there, and I was anxious to get to the theater in time for the big show. After a round of goodbyes, we were on our way. It was still pouring outside, so we ran as fast as we could to the car, which for my pregnant wife, isn’t very fast at all. I love the dear girl sooo much, but God help her, she’s not very light on her feet. Some time later, we arrived at my car and I noticed a damn flyer on the windshield. I go to rip it off, and of course. OF COURSE. It’s a ticket for parking illegally in the lovely city of New York. FINE. I’m getting in my car and driving to the AMC Empire to enjoy AKIRA.

Getting to the theater from the Village was easy enough. Finding parking near the theater in the heart of Times Square was a little more difficult. I’m beginning to get pretty antsy now, cause it’s about 10:15 and we’re getting awful close to 10:30. What if I miss the planned introduction by Harry Knowles?? The horror!!!! The problem was that most parking garages near the area closed at midnight and we needed to be able to park until at least 12:30. Finally, after driving all over town, we find a 24-hour parking garage nowhere near the theater. It costs $12 for one half-hour. OK, I say, this will cost me, but it’ll be worth it to see AKIRA and JoBlo and the Schmoes (that sounds like a alt-punk band) will be so happy. We quick, park the car, grab our stuff and start running in the rain down 8^th Ave. trying to make the movie. It’s still pouring rain at this point and damn cold, too. I’m practically dragging my poor wife, who just can’t keep up at this point. "Forget the baby!!" I scream. "This is AKIRA! The greatest Anime film of all time!!" I look at my watch as we approach the theater, wet as dogs, and it reads 10:28. Just in the nick of time.

I walk in the lobby and something strikes me as odd. I don’t see as many people as I had expected. Then it dawns on me…they’re already in the theater, stupid! The movie is starting in two minutes! I make my way through the labyrinth they call a queue line and gasping for air I say to the young woman behind the counter, "I’m here for the press screening of AKIRA."

She says, "Oh, I’m sorry, the screening was cancelled."

Sirens begin to go off. Flashing yellow lights all around me. "Is this what a nervous breakdown is actually like?" I think to myself. My knees are beginning to weaken. I can barely feel my feet (despite the fact they are soaking wet and about 30 degrees between the two of them). Then comes a sudden rush of energy. Power. Stamina. Anger. Frustration. Psychosis. Rage. Violence. If the woman behind the counter was a moose with an intercom attached, I would’ve punched her square in the nose. I left the theater and spent the majority of the night looking for a gun shop, a pawn shop, a Walmart, anywhere or anything that would sell me a gun so I could go back and demand John Candy take me and my family on the rides. I finally just drove home to Jersey.

After not really calming down today, I called the lovely folks at the PR Firm putting together this little premiere and spoke with somebody about the little "mix-up". Oh, I yelled and screamed and I walked out of the situation even more pissed off but with an AKIRA t-shirt now being sent to my apartment as a consolation. As a pretty funny side note, the whore at the movie theater was supposed to give me directions and a ticket to the after-party at some swank bar. She didn’t and instead, I drove home soaking wet and miserable.

In summary, I’d like to say fuck. And shit. And fucking shit bastard ass fuckers. And if you think I’m just pissing and moaning about the situation, you’re absolutely right. You win an AKIRA t-shirt.

More exclusive photos from the set of the Sean Penn/Michelle Pfeiffer drama, I AM SAM. In these pictures you get a glimpse at Sean Penn in character while refereeing a soccer game and Pfeiffer in the stands watching and cheering. Thanks to ‘Master P’ for the pics. Check out these puppies below:

The Academy Awards celebration that took place on Sunday night, for me, can be best expressed in these words: I saw Jennifer Lopez’s boobies. Yes, it’s true, and it was a beautiful experience. In fact, I think the Academy should make her outfit the official Oscar uniform for all female Oscar nominees between the ages of 18-35. Then, maybe, the show wouldn’t be so boring. In all honesty, though, I must give credit, primarily to host Steve Martin and show director Gil Cates for keeping this year’s ceremony evenly paced. At no point during the evening did I ever feel the show was lagging or that someone was droning on and on at the microphone, when they should be shutting up and letting Jennifer Lopez back on camera. Steve Martin did a wonderful job as host this year, leaving everybody asking, "Billy, who?" He was able to host the event without trying to become the event. Martin fully understood that the attendees and viewers are there to see the awards and the stars who win them, not some dopey song and dance routine. He came out, did a hilarious, and brief, monologue (for lack of a better term) and had almost everyone laughing. I say almost because I couldn’t help but notice Russell Crowe’s sour puss as Martin got off one of the night’s better gag’s at the actor’s expense. I half expected Crowe and Joaouiouoiaoiuoquauiuiaioin (I think that’s how you spell it) Phoenix to take him out back and beat him with a sack of doorknobs.

The presentation of the Oscars got off to a surprising start, as the first award of the evening, Best Supporting Actress, went to underdog Marcia Gay Harden (whom I harshly referred to in a previous column as ‘Marcia Gay Somebody’ and I now apologize). I call Harden an underdog, not because it wasn’t a great, deserving, performance, but because Kate Hudson was halfway out of her seat when Nicholas Cage announced Harden’s name. I think her performance was one that everyone agreed could win, but probably wouldn’t considering the buzz surrounding cute-as-a-button Kate Hudson. Now as I’m sure you all know, if Joey Baloney were a member of the Academy, he would’ve voted for Frances McDormand, but I won’t get started on that issue. From that surprise, the awards went back to a more predictable selection. I’m sure the race between Benicio Del Toro and Albert Finney was a close one, but not close enough. The favored Del Toro took home the Best Supporting Actor award and mumbled his way through an acceptance speech. Meanwhile, the CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON crew picked up two awards for Art Direction and Cinematography and I couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable as the crowd laughed during their acceptance speeches. Were they laughing with or at them? Who knows in Hollywood.

Let me say, I’m a fan of Mike Myers. I loved his work on SNL and liked both AXE MURDERER and AUSTIN POWERS. But, Mike, don’t make fun of the poor sound guys. Maybe they’re not Russell Crowe or Julia Roberts or Tom Hanks, but this is their night. Don’t bemoan them because they have a job you consider boring. Their parents and kids and entire families are home watching to see their shining moment and you’re cracking jokes at their expense. Personally, I feel that everything is fodder for comedy, as long as it’s funny (Chris Rock is a good example), but those jokes were way too easy, not funny and wound up being just cruel. I will step down off my soapbox now and continue.

The musical segments were much better this year, considering no one was enveloped by smoke. I do feel bad for Susannah Hoffs, who I’m sure would’ve preferred if you didn’t mention The Bangles on the night she’s performing at the Academy Awards. Bjork, I think, did a fine job although some were complaining her performance was a bit flat. Unfortunately, her song was originally a duet with Thom Yorke of Radiohead, but was cut for time constraints. I must say I even enjoyed Yo-Yo Ma. I even enjoy saying, ‘Yo-Yo Ma’. Yo-Yo Ma. My only complaint with the musical performances was the camera waaay too close to Bob Dylan’s face. Bob was never a real go-getter and now that he’s getting older and beginning to look more and more like Vincent Price, I’m feeling like I don’t need to see the plaque on his teeth. I did like how the crowd was trying to act "with it" while Dylan was performing. I could just see them thinking, "If I bob my head and tap my hand while the camera’s on me, I’ll look like I’m really into Dylan and thus a real cool dude (or dudess)!"

The began to announce the Best Actor award earlier on in the evening than I had anticipated and I almost missed the damn thing. I do appreciate this though, cause it keeps you on your toes. I like to not know when the big awards are coming. I managed to get back to my seat in time to see Hilary Swank, who looks like she got a boob job, announce Russell Crowe. Then, I thought the shite was going down. Some lunatic jumped up behind him, grabbed him by the head and started to squeeze him! The mysterious kidnapper has found his way into the Shrine Auditorium and is going to abduct the grouchy Aussie star right before my very eyes! No, unfortunately it was not the kidnapper, but just some touchy-feely member of the GLADIATOR camp. Crowe made it on stage and the big lug had to hold back the tears during his acceptance speech. I think he was crying tears of joy, thinking of what he was going to do to that hot piece of arse sitting next to him. The Julia Roberts award came shortly thereafter and I must say I like the fact she told that conductor to put the baton down and chill out. She managed to stop herself just short of being annoying so I was thankful. I was also thankful she shaved her armpits this go around.

Does anyone know why the Best Screenplay awards were presented so late in the evening? I thought maybe I had missed something but I guess they were waiting for Arthur C. Clarke to finish feeding Mr. Bigglesworth. I was thrilled to see Cameron Crowe and Stephen Gaghan win for ALMOST FAMOUS and TRAFFIC, respectively. Stephen Gaghan really just looks like some guy you’d be drinking beer with at a keg party and here he is winning Academy Awards. And here I am writing about it. The good news for TRAFFIC continued as Stephen Soderbergh beat the odds and won the Best Director trophy, beating out heavily favored Ang Lee. I had some misgivings about Soderbergh beating out Lee but after reading an article in last weeks Entertainment Weekly, I begin to get it. Soderbergh did for TRAFFIC what Sam Mendes did for AMERICAN BEAUTY. Each had a fantastic script, but a lesser director would’ve made you feel like you had seen each of these movies before because of their familiar territory.

After all this pomp and circumstance, we get to the big award of the evening. The Best Picture. Well I’m sure you all know GLADIATOR won, so I won’t beat around the bush. It was a great film; a real technical achievement as well as an enjoyable film to watch. In another year TRAFFIC or CROUCHING TIGER probably would’ve won, but this was really GLADIATOR’s year. And by that point, I was too tired to really care. Just as long as CHOCO-less didn’t win, I’m a happy camper.

So there we were at the end, and a full 45 minutes earlier than last year. While we’re comparing this year to year’s past, I’d like to ask, where were the big stars this year? Where were the Spielbergs, the Nicholsons, the DeNiros, the Pacinos, the Carreys, the Conrad Bains? Tom Cruise did make an appearance to hand out the Best Director award, but unfortunately nobody told him the Oscar’s weren’t business casual. And as a final note to all these stars who "couldn’t make the Oscars," what the f*** are you doing that you can’t make the Oscars? Do you have dinner plans or something? It’s the Academy Awards for chrissake!, how about jostling your schedule around a little. Well, I’m glad I got that all off my chest. Speaking of chests, I’m going to go download some pictures of Jennifer Lopez now.

- Joey

p.s. – if you’re looking for a complete list of winners, look no further than below

BEST PICTURE
GLADIATOR

DIRECTING
Steven Soderbergh (TRAFFIC)

ACTOR (leading)
Russell Crowe (GLADIATOR)

ACTRESS (leading)
Julia Roberts (ERIN BROCKOVICH)

ACTOR (supporting)
Benicio Del Toro (TRAFFIC)

ACTRESS (supporting)
Marcia Gay Harden (POLLOCK)

SCREENPLAY (adapted)
Stephen Gaghan (TRAFFIC)

SCREENPLAY (original)
Cameron Crowe (ALMOST FAMOUS)

ART DIRECTION
CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON

CINEMATOGRAPHY
CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON

MUSIC (score)
CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON

MUSIC (song)
WONDER BOYS "Things Have Changed" Bob Dylan

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON

COSTUME DESIGN
GLADIATOR

VISUAL EFFECTS
GLADIATOR

SOUND
GLADIATOR

SOUND EDITING
U-571

FILM EDITING
TRAFFIC

MAKEUP
DR. SEUSS' HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS

DOCUMENTARY (short)
BIG MAMA

DOCUMENTARY (feature)
INTO THE ARMS OF STRANGERS

SHORT (live action)
QUIERO SER (I WANT TO BE...)

SHORT (animated)
FATHER AND DAUGHTER

10) Statue of Liberty washed up on the beach (PLANET OF THE APES) - Charlton Heston shares shock with the viewer at one of the most stunning visuals in cinema. The Statue of Liberty on a planet of apes and all washed up on the shore? Wait a minute…this is Earth? Those damn dirty apes have taken over after the Humans squandered their planet! Damn you!!!

9) HAL sings "Daisy" (2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY) - This simply would not have been the same if it weren't for Douglas Rain's haunting voice slowing down to a pathetic crawl. One of the great villians in modern movies and one of the classic death scenes, all put to film perfectly by the master himself, Stanley Kubrick.

8) The Warden rips the poster off Andy Dufresne's wall (THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION) - Admit it. You thought he was dead. When there was no response to the corrections officer's call of his name, you thought Andy had taken that rope, draped it over a metal bar and hanged himself, just like Brooks Hadlen. You were just as surprised as they were to see an empty cell and no visible signs of escape. Until Raquel Welch spilled her little secret. Then it all made perfect sense.

7) Dr. Malcolm Crowe realizes he's dead (THE SIXTH SENSE) - A touching end to an otherwise generic suspense movie. You rarely see that in the theaters, but maybe that's why this movie was such a critical and commercial success. As the wedding band rolls across the floor, the audience gets slapped across the face with one of the best twist endings ever. The best part about this ending is its simplicity. It's not in your face with a big "dum-dum-duhhhhh!!!!" soundtrack, but it ends quietly, with the wedding video of a happily married couple.

6) Mr. Blonde cuts off a cop's ear (RESERVOIR DOGS) - Yet another Tarantino scene that you most likely heard about before you saw. The media was buzzing with talk of a movie that featured the torture of an innocent cop. Unfortunately, half the journalists writing and critics complaining probably never even saw the film, because the camera actually pans away from the action leaving that to the imagination of the viewer. But watching Michael Madsen, playing sadistic Mr. Blonde to a tee (where have you gone Michael Madsen….), talking into the severed ear of a bound police officer, you don't know whether to laugh or hurl.

5) Indiana Jones shoots a Turkish swordsman (RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK) - Trying to decide the greatest moment from RAIDERS is like trying to decide which episode of The Simpsons is the funniest. But one scene tends to stands out above the rest (although the escape with the idol is damn close). Indy is exhausted from running and chasing and when he finds himself cornered by an enormous Turk holding a just as enormous sword, you expect an epic battle to ensue. Instead, Indy reaches in his bag, pulls out a gun and shoots him dead. Perfect.

4) Neo vs. Agent Smith (THE MATRIX) - Ahh, the famed "bullet-time" sequence. What can you say about the film, hell the scene, that revolutionized special effects for the year 2000 and beyond? The W Brothers upped the ante for sci-fi action flicks and in the process won a whole bunch of awards.

3) Vincent Vega plunges a needle into Ms. Mia Wallace (PULP FICTION) - If you paid any attention during 1995, you surely heard all the hype surrounding this scene. "An old woman had a heart attack!" "People are passing out!!" But damned if this scene didn't live up to that hype. The characters have no idea what to do (and neither do you) and the scene goes silent as Eric Stoltz counts to three. You can see the desperation in John Travolta's eyes (if she dies, so do I). The audience peers out from between their fingers and then, THUMP! A shrieking Uma Thurman pops up and scares the living crap out of everyone. Like Rosanna Arquette said, "That was fucking trippy!"

2) Detective Somerset opens "the box" (SEVEN) - I can still remember watching this in the movies and for five minutes or so, my stomach was pure butterflies. For the first time since PULP FICTION (see below) I was actually on the edge of my seat. When I saw that box and then saw Morgan Freeman's reaction as he carefully cut the tape with his switchblade, I knew things were taking a turn for the worse. We have three great actors (give Brad Pitt the benefit of the doubt on this one) and a great director, collectively working their magic. Pure suspense magic.

1) Verbal Kint loses his limp (THE USUAL SUSPECTS) - This one really is a testament to Kevin Spacey. Even with the masterful work of Christopher McQuarrie's screenplay, all the words and work could have gone to waste with a lesser actor. Spacey's brilliant portrayal of Verbal Kint left audiences picking up their jaws from the theater floor and sitting in disbelief throughout the credits.