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| Joey Baloney goes Ape shit! | July 27, 2001 |
By now you all must be sick and tired of reading my "A funny thing happened on the way to…" stories. I can just picture the schmoes sitting at their collective computers, yelling at the monitor "Get to the fucking point!" Yet somehow I can't resist boring you with all the details of the bizarre circumstances that seem to surround every single one of my trips to New York City. In case you haven't realized yet, I was invited by the fine folks at Fox to a screening of Tim Burton's "re-imagining" of PLANET OF THE APES this past Tuesday. I was told to arrive "EARLY" for the "all media screening" at the prestigious (???) Ziegfeld Theater in Midtown Manhattan. I strolled down Seventh Avenue around 6pm thinking I'm way ahead of the game considering the screening wasn't schedule to begin until 7:30. When I finally arrived, I was asked for my ticket by the woman at the door and I told her I was with the press and I didn't have a ticket (déjà vu all over again…). She pointed to a line and told me to wait there and check in on the guest list. I followed her pointing finger and saw the longest line I've ever been privy to. Here's a transcript of the conversation that followed: JB: (pointing to the line) This line? Fox: (looking in another direction) Yes, that line? JB: This one right here. The one that snakes around the corner and around the next corner. The one that is almost completely circling an entire New York City block. Fox: (still not looking) Yes. JB: (confused) But, I'm Joey Baloney. (Beat). From JoBlo.com?… I didn't have the same success with that line as I did for JAY AND SILENT BOB. Disgruntled and disoriented, I walked to the end of the line. ALL the way to the end. I was standing there (at this point, I couldn't even see the theater) in the 100+ degree temperatures thinking, "There must be a mix-up." Everyone around me had these tickets with them - the kind they give to recruits. I figure I should go up and ask again, just to make sure. I leave my spot in line and walk back to the entrance of the theater and find a new Fox rep to annoy. This time I try the ole' Baloney charm: JB: Damn baby! You're so sweet, I'm gettin' a cavity just looking at you! Fox: Excuse me? JB: (flustered) Umm…uhh...are those galaxy shorts your wearing? Fox: What? Why? JB: Cause yo ass is outta this world! I spent the next half-hour trying to wash the pepper spray from my eyes. Red-eyed and bleary, I figured I better just get back in line and continue to wait. And wait. Meanwhile the sun was cooking me in a salty marinade of my own perspiration. After about an hour of standing around like a goon, I finally got close to the front of the building. Then I saw something that made my heart sink. The people checking tickets and guest list names weren't checking anymore. They're just telling people to "Go, go, go" and waving their hands frantically in a sweeping motion. People started running. I started running. I didn't even know why. I was just running towards the theater entrance. In all my 23 years of life, I've never actually had a door slammed in my face before (not literally anyway). It's truly a humbling experience. I'm just beginning to think I'm somebody (Mister Baloney, let me usher you to your VIP seat…) when a short, fat Indian woman slammed the door in my face and latched the deadbolt. "No! No more seat!" I could actually feel the forces aligning against me. I wasn't giving up that easy - I was going to have it out with someone. The theater manager already came out to "speak with us" (by us, I'm referring to the 15 or so people that were left high and dry) but offered no answers. I walked towards the door with a determined look on my face. Now, I don't know if this woman saw the psychotic glint in my eye or just felt like doing her good deed of the day, but as I walked towards her she whispered, "Just go in. There are a few seats left." I barely muttered a "thanks" as I scooted up the escalator and left a cloud of dust in my wake. Now picture this: This is a theater that's approximately the size Rhode Island (give or take a few hectacres). Now try to find one of the maybe ten random, empty seats in an auditorium that has more levels than Yankee Stadium. As if that weren't hard enough every time I thought I found an empty seat I'd hear "Oh, somebody's sitting here." Then it dawned on me - the crappiest seats in theater-dom. The front row. And sure enough, there was one lone, empty seat directly in front of the screen. I sat down, relaxed and tried to get comfortable. I was thinking about how goddamn lucky I got (or they got, depending on how you look at it) when I started to smell a funk from the guy next to me. I sniffed him in the most inconspicuous way I could, then realized he wasn't the one who stunk. It was me. All that standing and running in the intense summer heat had my armpits working overtime. Embarrassed beyond belief, I slunk as far down as I could and stared straight up in the sky as the curtains pulled back and PLANET OF THE APES began. A Barrel of Monkeys The film starts off with close-up shots of different ape armor and regalia as we're treated to some of the best work composer Danny Elfman has done in a long time. Strong, brooding, and other fancy adjectives I can't think of. After the title sequence, we see Mark Wahlberg as Capt. Leo Davidson aboard a space station with some fellow humans and cages of "genetically enhanced" monkeys they're using as test pilots (if you're anything like me, you can already see where this is heading…). Leo's chimp buddy gets sent out in a space pod (not unlike the ones in SPACEBALLS) to investigate an electrical storm but they soon lose all contact with him. Leo decides not to heed the warnings of his colleagues and heads out to save the chimp and investigate the disturbance for himself. Next thing you know, he's warping years ahead into the future and crash landing on a strange planet. A planet of apes. Hence, PLANET OF THE APES. From there you can pretty much imagine where the story goes. Man gets captured by apes. Man gets enslaved by apes. Man escapes with fellow humans and his ape love interest and leads a rebellion against those damn dirty apes. While at times I found the script, written mostly by William Broyles Jr. who also wrote CAST AWAY and APOLLO 13, fairly pedestrian (that'll be 10 cents please), I wasn't there for the script. I wanted apes. More importantly, I wanted actors in really convincing ape suits kicking ass and making monkey noises. And I certainly was not disappointed. APES is definitely a fun ride. It's an ideal blend of camp and craft that had me (and the rest of the audience) laughing at how bad it was, yet captivated enough to clap and cheer when the apes get their comeuppance. There were some really funny allusions to the original PLANET OF THE APES (when Charlton Heston busted out with "Damn them! Damn them all to hell!" the whole place went nuts) that kept things from getting too serious. Bizarre Love Triangle Tim Roth does a capable job, grunting and growling as the evil General Thade, but Mark Wahlberg's performance was flatter than Kate Hudson in a sports bra. Somebody get this kid some smelling salts for chrissake. Meanwhile, Estella Warren looks like she should be on the cover of Vanity Fair B.C. (who knew the ape planet had lip gloss?…) and Leo barely looks at her twice. He's too caught up with Helena Bonham-Carter's Ari, an ape fighting hard for human rights. Leo and Ari flirt during the majority of their time on screen but a small kiss is all that's left of their rumored love scene. All Estella Warren can do is look on in disgust at these two while you can tell she just wants to grab Leo by the collar and scream, "Do you see these tits? They're huge! She's a monkey for shit's sake!" I won't ruin the "surprise" ending of the film here (that's already been done elsewhere) but I will say that it was one of the few possibilities I had heard rumored a few months ago. It doesn't make any sense what-so-ever and winds up being totally ridiculous. You'll probably spend some time after the film's over trying to figure it out, but don't waste your time. It's not worth the effort. If you're a film school snob who can't put substance aside and simply enjoy a flick that may be a bit silly and mindless at parts, stay home and watch DANCER IN THE DARK on DVD. If you're just looking to see an enjoyable movie with killer action sequences and amazing makeup, plunk down your $8 this weekend and let your mind go for two hours. You'll be glad you did. Over and out... -- JoeyB |
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| Mel Gibson in "Jaws" spin-off? | July 27, 2001 |
| Source: Variety Well, sort of. Remember Quint's speech from JAWS about the sunken USS Indianapolis and how its survivors were eaten by sharks in the South Pacific ocean? (I'm sure you remember; you voted it one of the Top Movie Moments). That tragic tale has been drafted into a feature film tentatively titled THE CAPTAIN AND THE SHARK. Mel Gibson is in talks with director Barry Levinson to board ship as Capt. Charles McVay, who was court-martialed following the disaster. Gibson has said he will join the project if the rewrite of the current script by John Hoffman is up to snuff. Gibson will begin work soon on M. Night Shyamalan's next film SIGNS in Bucks County, PA. In related news, two weeks ago the United States Navy cleared
Capt. McVay of any charges relating to the Indianapolis disaster - more than thirty years
after his suicide in 1968. McVay came under heavy fire from a Navy desperately
looking for a scapegoat after close to 1,000 seamen died when the ship was rocked by a
Japanese torpedo. The Navy contended that McVay should have steered the ship in a
zig-zag pattern, which is considered standard practice when avoiding torpedoes.
Meanwhile, because the Indianapolis was on a top-secret mission shipping atomic bomb
parts, it took the Navy over 5 days to respond to the disaster site and attempt
rescues. By that time, most of the crew had already fallen victim to the seas or
more gruesomely, the sharks. McVay, wracked with guilt over his role in the
disaster, committed suicide at the age of 70. |
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| Walker strolls to SWAT | July 27, 2001 |
| Source: Variety Paul Walker is
Hollywood's next big thing. Following his role in THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS
the young star has already signed to star with Scott Caan in the David Fincher produced
WANNA-BE and now looks to be taking the starring role in SWAT, a film based on a the 70s
TV show. Fischer will join fellow FAST alum David Ayer who will be writing a brand
new script for the film after he pitched several new ideas to studio heads.
First-time director Zack Snyder is on-board to direct the "youth-oriented action
ensemble" with Sony has high hopes for in Summer 2002. It is noted that a
scheduling conflict may preclude Walker from starring in both WANNA-BE and SWAT. So
which will he choose? Wait and see.... Read more about the history of SWAT in Joey Baloney's 2002
Movie Preview. |
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| "Country Bears" gets a sequel already? | July 27, 2001 |
| Source: Hollywood Reporter THE
COUNTRY BEARS isn't even scheduled to hit theaters until 2002, but Disney is so
excited about the film, they've already hired writer Paul Rugg to write the sequel.
Haley Joel Osment is lending his voice to the film as Beary, a young cub who tries to save
the Country Bear Jamboree (remember...from Disney World??) from being shut down by evil
banker Reid Thimple (Christopher Walken). The bears in the film will not be real
bears but actors wearing animatronic suits created by the Henson Creature Shop and
controlled by puppeteers with radio controls. |
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| LL Cool J as "Dolemite" | July 27, 2001 |
| Source: Hollywood Reporter Jive-talkin', hard hittin' pimp of the 70s, DOLEMITE, is set to join the ranks of SHAFT, as he prepares to be remade into a modern day feature film starring rapper LL Cool J. LL will also executive produce the film which will have him starring as DOLEMITE, a nightclub owner seeking revenge on the crackers who framed him and sent him to jail. If you've never seen the original DOLEMITE or even its sequel THE HUMAN TORNADO, you haven't lived yet. These are two of the funniest (intentionally and unintentionally) films you will ever see. Normally I'm not a big fan of LL Cool J but I think his abilities as a rapper and an actor will suit the film well. In the original DOLEMITE, star Rudy Ray Moore had a tendency to rhyme everything he said, for example, "Dolemite is my name and fuckin' up motha fuckas is my game!" Here are a few sound clips from the original DOLEMITE to get your honky ass excited about the new revival: |
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| Zellweger to join "Chicago"? | July 27, 2001 |
| Source: Coming Soon Popcorn is reporting that Renee Zellweger is in final
negotiations to join Catherine Zeta-Jones in the Miramax version of the Broadway hit CHICAGO.
This would mean the Texan beat out the likes of Helen Hunt, Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez,
Gwyneth Paltrow for the coveted role of Roxie alongside Zeta-Jones' Velma. Another
interesting note they mention is that Kevin Spacey is set to join the cast. That
would be the first I had ever heard of Spacey being mentioned for the male lead, which has
previously been rumored to be anyone from John Travolta to his SWORDFISH co-star Hugh
Jackman. So really how true is this? I'd tend to think there's some truth to
Zellweger since her name's been in the running form the getgo. As for Spacey, that
sounds a little shady to me. I'm sure we'll hear official word from Variety or The
Hollywood Reporter any day now. |
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| Kidman a go for "Dogville" | July 27, 2001 |
| Source: Reuters Nicole Kidman
squashed reports that she was being dumped from Lans Von Trier's (DANCER IN THE DARK)
DOGVILLE by signing her contract on Wednesday afternoon. Rumors surfaced earlier
this week that producers were getting increasingly frustrated with Kidman's reluctance to
sign a contract to join the film and were considering telling her to take a hike.
Kidman will report to Sweden this January to film the $9 million story of...I don't even
know how to begin describing this. If you're that curious check out the production
company's official site where they ramble on about the film. |
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| "Novocaine" clarification | July 27, 2001 |
| Source: Joey Baloney A week or so ago, I brought you the news that the Artisan release NOVOCAINE was headed to video on December 18th and may possibly skip a theatrical release altogether. There seemed to have been some confusion at Artisan regarding this issue and they have since clarified that earlier report. This is now the official word, straight from the horse's mouth at Artisan:
OK, I think we've finally got things cleared up. |
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| "Akira" Contest Winner Announced | July 27, 2001 |
| Source: Joey Baloney After a week or so of staring at pictures of beautiful women sent to me via e-mail, I have finally decided on a winner. Let's all put our hands together and congratulate 'Oddboy' whose winning entry is pictured below:
Damn fine work; damn fine work indeed.
Oddboy is the lucky recipient of an AKIRA t-shirt and a few copies of the official
theatrical re-release one-sheet. There were tons of great submissions and it was
truly difficult to choose a winner. One day I'll get around to posting the
runners-up somewhere so you can all see what a hard time I had. Anyway, congrats
Oddboy and remember to purchase
your copy of AKIRA, now available on Special Edition DVD, from JoBlo. |
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| Other news.. | July 27, 2001 |
Source: Joey Baloney
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| The San Diego Con Update! |
July 23, 2001 |
| Source:
JoBlo.com
And here's a note from JoBlo: "I just thought I'd let you guys know what's going on with our San Diego Con coverage. The Arrow and I just finished our visit to the annual event (last year's coverage here) and will be presenting a HUGE update next Monday with interviews, pics, panels and stories from the street (I'd rather wait a week and give you all a comprehensive view of it, rather than a dinky little write-up). For now, here are a few small scoops to tide you over, as well as two early reviews of upcoming movies.
And here are some of the others things that we will be covering next week:
You can read about some of our daily dicky adventures here, and since you're all so nice, here's two advance tastes: |
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| Joey Baloney catches a virus! |
July 23, 2001 |
|
Source: Joey Baloney and Symantec Normally stuff like this would never see the light of day in a Joey Baloney news update cause it's just none of my business. But this one hit home, so I'm passing on the message to you. I've been getting some weird e-mails lately, some of which I've been chronicling here, so when I got these e-mails in my box, I didn' t think much of it. They were odd but I get e-mails like that all the time. I scanned it for viruses and there were none. So I opened. Then I got word this weekend that they did in fact have a virus attached - the "Sircam" virus. Here's the word from Symantec on what the damage this virus can do: Large scale e-mailing:
The worm embed random documents from the infected PC to itself
Deletes files:
1 in 20 chance of deleting all files [scheduled by the virus for
October 16th] and directories on C:. Only occurs on systems using
D/M/Y as the date format Degrades performance:
1 in 33 chance of filling all remaining space on the hard disk
by adding text to the file c:\recycled\sircam.sys at each startup
Releases confidential info: It will export a random document from the hard drive by appending it to the body of the worm Keep in mind - I got this sent to my
scoops@joblo.com account. It was
sent by schmoes (who will remain nameless) that you and I both
may know. Protect yourself before it hits you by downloading
the proper virus protection drivers and learning more about Sircam
here. Enough with the idle chitchat, let's get down
to bitness. |
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| "Sex, Lies & Videotape" the sequel? |
July 23, 2001 |
| Source:
Hollywood Reporter
Academy Award winning director Steven Soderbergh has signed a deal
with Miramax Films to direct an as-yet unnamed sequel to his breakthrough
film SEX, LIES AND VIDEOTAPE. There is currently no cast
attached to the film (which originally starred Andie MacDowell,
James Spader and Peter Gallagher), but Soderbergh will write,
produce and direct the film. SEX won the coveted Palme d'Or
at the Cannes Film Festival in 1989 and went on to win the Audience
Award at the Sundance Film Festival. Soderbergh has also
mentioned he wanted to direct a sequel to his film SCHIZOPOLIS,
saying he thought it would be fun to direct a sequel to a film
nobody saw. His next film, OCEAN'S ELEVEN is set for release
this Christmas. |
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| Reese the tennis star |
July 23, 2001 |
| Source:
Hollywood Reporter
Reese Witherspoon (the current object of JoBlo's
affection) is attached to produce and star in a comedy about
the world of women's tennis. The film was pitched by writer Bruce
Miller who will write the script. No further details on
the film were released but you can expect zaniness, wackiness
and probably someone tripping over the net. Witherspoon
would produce under her Type A Films production company and after
the surprise success of LEGALLY BLONDE has her pick of studio
projects to take under her wing. |
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| Kevin Smith news |
July 23, 2001 |
| Source:
News Askew
A few quick tidbits from the world of Kevin Smith before we leave. Wizard Magazine devoted an entire issue to the man Smith and in its pages, it has revealed that CLERKS: SELL OUT, the R-rated CLERKS animated feature will be set for release next summer. Smith has said he is currently working with CLERKS: TAS writer Dave Mandel it looks like their hustling to get you another View Askew comedy next summer. Speaking of R-ratings, JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK received (not surprising) an R-rating for all kinds of dirty stuff... Finally, in non-movie-related news,
Kevin Smith announced this weekend that he would be writing a
new series of comic books for Marvel based on THE BLACK CAT aka
Felicia Hardy, sometimes friend to SPIDER-MAN. Apparently,
Kevin likes taking chances on underdeveloped characters (like
THE GREEN ARROW) and thought this would be a perfect opportunity
to work with a female lead character. The series will be
kicked off by a SPIDER-MAN one-shot that will also be written
by Smith. |
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| "Goonies" sequel details |
July 23, 2001 |
| Source:
Coming Soon
The guys at Coming Soon were the lucky recipients of some scoop regarding what we can expect to see from THE GOONIES sequel that's currently in development. Here's what their scooper had to say: As For Donner's plans with the
story. It is esentially a little more of a backstory about One
Eyed Willy. The first part of the movie we check out a 30 odd
aged Willy in his Pirate Days. I remember reading a few pages of
script a while back that seemed very similar to this description
so maybe that's the script they're going to use, or they could
be chucking this idea and going with something completely new.
We'll see... |
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| Dr. Drew's DVD Roundup |
July 23, 2001 |
| Source:
DVD Clinic
Dr. Drew's been a busy man lately. So much so you may have noticed a momentary lapse in DVD news on the site. The good doctor has been kind enough to send me some juicy tidbits (i.e. TOTAL RECALL Special Edition DVD) that I would pass on to you, but now the man is back to give you the goods directly from the horse's mouth. Without any further adieu, here's Drew: Memento DVD to Suck Major Ass
Doctor Zhivago 2-Disc Special Edition
Confirmed
Argento Fans…Suspiria’s Getting
a Special Edition The “limited edition” (only 600,000 copies) is a 3 disc monster set, where disc one is simply the standard edition, while disc two features the all-new 52 minute documentary "Suspiria: 25th Anniversary" featuring interviews with Dario Argento, co-writer Daria Nicolodi, cinematographer Luciano Tovoli, the band Goblin and actors Jessica Harper, Stefania Casini and Udo Kier. The third platter is the original Goblin soundtrack CD, and the set also includes a 32-Page Booklet with photos and an interview with star Jessica Harper, and nine 5x7 lobby card reproductions. (Source DVD Clinic) Crikey! Looks Who’s Coming to DVD! |
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| Other news.. |
July 23, 2001 |
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Source: Joey Baloney
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