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Valentine (2001)
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Review Date: February 01, 2001
Director: Jamie Blanks
Writer: W. Powers, D. Powers, G. Berg, A. Harberts
Producers: Dylan Sellers
Actors:
Denise Richards
Marley Shelton
David Boreanaz
Plot:
A young lad who used to get crapped on by the girls in his junior high class, is now older and stronger and apparently out to whack each and every one of them heartbreakers. Or is it someone else just pretending to be the nerdy ol' kid and slicing and dicing said victims up? Pretty cool premise, huh? Read on.
Critique:
Can a movie that starts off with a big-breasted girl in a tight tanktop performing an autopsy be all that bad? Sadly...yes! And I generally love watching these kinds of movies, you know, frivolous flicks with cheap thrills and girls with big cans...but this movie just plain sucks. It's got zero rhythm, almost no energy, no chemistry between anyone in the cast (were they all there for the paycheck or what?), no scares (other than your garden-variety "boo!" stuff), stale dialogue, unoriginal killings and worst of all...and this hurts the most, boys and girls...no T&A! At least give us a little T&A, man! Or at least some T!! (and I don't mean Tease, which is one of the few things that this film does deliver well) Anyway, what else can I tell you here? Oh yeah, the premise is good, I mean, I think we've all thought of doing this at one point or another in our lifetimes, but the execution, aaaaaah, the execution...just awful. Where is the suspense? Where is the caring for any of the characters? (all of whom chime in on one dimension) Where is the goddamn intelligence, people?! I mean, I know that this is a slasher movie and you're supposed to suspend disbelief to a certain extent, but man-o-man, allow me to share this one scene with you all. There is a murderer on the loose, right? Everyone is scared witless, right? Nobody knows who it is or where they'll strike next, right? So what's the first thing that you would do during a party packed with a bunch of people? Hmmmmm...now think hard...really? Would you, A) Stay close to others B) Dance the night away...with others C) Go off to a dark room by yourself and hang out in a hot tub? Hehehehe. Tough one, eh?

But there were many other problems with this movie as well. The "first scene" kill, which has now become a custom in all teen slashers, sucked the big one, and didn't offer anything original. The ending of the movie, which I won't spoil here, was a little bit of a surprise, but left a million questions unanswered. That Dorothy girl (Jessica Capshaw) only seemed to act with her lips and teeth (does that count?), and that bothered me. Actually, quite a few things bothered me, and when I end up noticing little things like that in a movie, it can generally only mean one thing. Yeah, who woulda figured that this movie would be, and I hate to say it... ...boring! It just lacked. Lacked...lacked...lacked a lot! Sure, we get Denise Richards in a bathing suit, acting like the ultra-queen-bitch like only she can do, but is that enough for you to fork over your hard earned buckeroonies? Well, to some, it might be, but even if you toss in the Katherine Heigl major cleavage factor, the super "hotties" for the ladies and the ever-perky Heather Graham look-a-like, the whole thing just doesn't add up to much. Another wasted opportunity. The film had the potential to become something interesting but somewhere along the line, it was crapped away entirely. Marley Shelton and David Boreanaz were good, but they both seemed to belong in another movie altogether. But are there still some really, really cheap thrills to be had? Yeah, I guess...but nothing to write to mother about.

I only wish that the fervent intensity that went into successfully marketing this film on the Internet had been shared with the actual making of the movie. It might've turned into an entertaining, smart and original thriller, but all that we're left with now, are pieces of a film that might've been... Keep it moving, folks...nothing to see here. Oh yeah, and the soundtrack also sucked!
(c) 2016 Berge Garabedian
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