Review Date: August 25, 2004
Director: Dwight Little
Writer: John Claflin, Daniel Zelman, Michael Miner, Ed Neumeier
Producers: Verna Harrah
And what does that mean? That means uncharismatic no-name actors half-assly delivering crappy dialogue (which it apparently took four peeps to write?) via stereotypical characters who never really get past their accents in terms of development (one's Southern, one's British, one's "street", one's Latino, etc...) The film also features one of the most annoying characters that I experienced in any film this year and that's the "clichéd black guy", as per NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE, who makes every bad move you can think of, and delivers his lines with the proverbial "dawg" and "ayight" snapped to their ends. None of the girls showcase their goodies either, although the only guy with semi-interesting presence (Messner) does salute us with his six-pack, but doesn't help the film much by spottily delivering a handful of his "tough guy" lines. As for the snakes, the CGI is so-so, a lot like in the original ANACONDA actually, but there just aren't enough of them! Even when the snakes do show up, some of the action shots are taken too close and you barely see anything. Bah. You give me a movie called ANACONDAS, I wanna see snakes biting people's heads off and more deaths, man...I don't want to see a bunch of third-rate actors back-and-forthing a lame-ass plot in the middle of an ultra-dark jungle (some shots were too dark...you could barely make anything out). So as much as I really wanted to 'have a blast' with this picture, there simply wasn't enough cheese mixed in with its crapiness, to warrant a recommendation.
Rent it drunk one night (Note: you should already be drunk when you rent it) and take another shot every time the director inserts a shot of a monkey shrieking into the movie. Trust me, you'll be dead drunk by the half hour mark and so will the anaconda in your pants!! (sorry, I just had to)