Review Date: October 08, 2003
Director: Uwe Boll
Writer: Mark Altman, Dave Parker
Producers: Uwe Boll, Shawn Williamson
Jonathan Cherry as Rudy
Ona Grauer as Alicia
Jurgen Prochnow as Capt. Kirk
The actors don't fare much better, but being as they are given some of the worst dialogue that I've heard in any movie this year, I guess you can't be too hard on them (Ona Grauer is the only half-decent player here). By the way, you know a movie sucks when you can actually guess the upcoming shitty lines. Consider: "It's gotten quiet outside all of sudden." My guess as to the next character's response was: "Too quiet." Bingo! We have a winner! But that line is Oscar-gold compared to the dreck that everyone had to spit out during the film's establishing scenes. Consider the ol' seadog captain and his mangy sidekick, who apparently gets off on calling him "Cappin" every three seconds. Easily one of Clint Howard's worst performances ever. The directing is also atrocious with Boll utilizing one of the worst techniques in any movie and that's the splicing of actual videogame footage into the film itself. How anyone in their right mind could think that this would be a "good idea" is beyond me. Even if, the movie itself had been somewhat engaging on any level, the fact that a friggin' scene from the videogame was intercut into the action scenes every 30 seconds, took you completely out of any flow that might have developed. Add that to his apparent "money shot" in which he shoots every single character turning on a full 360-degrees (weren't we all bored by this after the first MATRIX came out in 1999?), an embarrassing quick-cut montage of a thousand different shots from the film apparently "racing" through a character's head (i.e. padding) and some badly edited fight sequences in which someone will throw a jab, but all we're left with is the resulting thud...and you've got yourself one unfortunate motion picture...on oh-so many fronts.
Not to mention the laughable scene featuring some of the characters, during a break from all of the carnage, "connecting" on an emotional level and taking the time to "make out"?!? Dude, your best friend just got his guts pulled out by a man-eating zombie, how about you hold your cock in hand for an hour or two and take that shit up when you get back to terra firma? The nerve! Sure, the film does feature outright T&A, one hottie Asian chick and a couple of cool "shoot 'em up" action sequences, but overall, it stunk to high heaven and despite it only running about 85 minutes and prancing along at a pretty quick pace (too quick in some spots), you just couldn't help but wonder why this film didn't go straight to video, and even then, straight to the $1 rental bin. And I'm forgetting some stuff too, the crappy voice-over beginning, the badly dubbed lines, the "clever" nature of the script by which it christens the boat captain by the name Kirk (get it...Captain Kirk...stop it, I'm dying here), the dudes in white make-up running around pretending to be zombies, the flabby asses...ugh, I'm gonna stop now...I'm feeling sick. The scariest part of this movie for me was its final line which actually left things open for a sequel. No God...please no. The horror...the horror...