Movie Jail: This week's defendant is...Sandra Bullock!

Movie Jail: This week’s defendant is…Sandra Bullock!

January 22nd 2013, 12:51am

Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are Hollywood

writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a

Movie Jail

trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the Prosecution and

Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the

defendant

is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of consistently being a stinking

shithouse.

The

Defendant

Sandra Bullock

The

Case

The Prosecution: All About Steve, Premonition, Miss Congeniality 2, The Lake House, Loverboy, Forces of Nature, Speed 2, Two if by

Sea*

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, let’s keep the female train rolling (ha ha) by bringing up another female defendant who’s been mentioned in the

Strike Backs for some time: Ms. Sandra Bullock. After going through her resume, we’re seeing quite a few inconsistencies in her repertoire, mostly having to do with

inactivity. Since her Oscar winning turn as Leigh Ann Touhy in 2009’s , she’s done one movie with 2012’s Extremely Loud and Incredibly

Close, a film that’s just….so-so. We understand she had some personal issues with a prior marriage but we are selfish movie fans, and this is Movie Jail, not Movie Therapy. She did okay in

The Proposal but fouled shit up in All About Steve (both in 2009), a movie so awful it received a 6% rotten rating on Rotten Tomatoes and garnered a

Razzie for Ms. Bullock. Let’s face it, she had a banner year in 2006 co-starring in ~~the memorable~~ Loverboy and the abysmal The Lake

House, a movie so bad I threw popcorn at my own TV. Not to mention that her career is peppered with shit rom com after shit rom com. Can we see another Oscar

worthy performance, or even a solid performance, from Ms. Bullock again? We think not, and we move for a guilty verdict.

The Defense: The Blind Side, The Proposal, Crash, Miss Congeniality, Demolition Man, 28 Days, A Time to Kill, Speed, The Net, While You

Were Sleeping*

Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, here we are again with another Academy Award Winning actress on the chopping block. Sure, Ms. Bullock has had some

stinkers, but it’s clear to us that these shitpiles have a lot more to do with the movies themselves being horrible, and not the defendant. Ms. Bullock has always

remained extremely cute and incredibly charming, from movies like While You Were Sleeping and Speed, to more recent fare like The Blind Side and

The Proposal, which could’ve been a good, straight comedy that turned all rom com-ish at the end. We also think she possesses the necessary dramatic chops to

lend some credibility to her CV. She was beyond great in Crash (even though we personally didn’t care for the film), The Net and A Time to Kill,

and even though she “won” the Razzie for All About Steve, she accepted the award and gave a speech.

Sandra Bullock? More like Sandra got Bollocks, yo. She does a fair amount of romantic comedies, but when compared to the likes of and Jennifer Aniston, they’re pretty damn tolerable. We ask for leniency in this case, and hope the jury agrees.

CLOSING…

So, what’s to be done with Sandra Bullock? Does she need to work more to keep her out of Movie Jail? Is her acting pedigree up to snuff or was

her Academy Award a fluke?

And the

most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into

consideration, we ask

you The Jury, is Sandra Bullock GUILTY or NOT GUILTY? Let’s hear YOUR

arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.

*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so

relax.

WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR

NOT?

LAST WEEK’S

VERDICT

It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing

last week’s evidence, the court finds Julia Roberts

GUILTY of all charges. In yet another landslide verdict, Ms. Roberts was found to be incredibly bland, boring and most of all, overrated. The members moving

for her acquittal noted that compared to other actresses in her class, she isn’t doing too bad. At the end of the day though, the jury overwhelmingly voted for her

incarceration.

PREVIOUS

VERDICTS

GUILTY

NOT GUILTY

Adam

Eddie

Vince