10
Memorable Birth Scenes
Not taking anything away from the women, but being in the room
while your baby is being born is pretty damn stressful for the men. I've seen
too many movies to know how many things can go wrong. I simply held my wife's
hand, shut my mouth, and prayed that the kid was the same color as me and had
all the right parts. Everything seemed to work out perfectly for me - not so
much for some of the peeps below. Oddly enough, none of these scenes were as
scary as the video they showed us in our pregnancy class before our first son
was born. If I could find a picture, that shit would be at the top of this list.
Beware: Some Graphic Pics
Below
Honourable Mention: Hot in
These Rhinos - ACE VENTURA: WHEN NATURE CALLS (1995)
Not actually on the list because it's not actually a birth of
any sort. The family passing by thought so though, and that's why it's so
goddamn funny. Honestly, this might be one of the funniest moments in film for
me and just another reason I'll never jump off the Jim Carrey bandwagon. Also,
he talks with his ass.
10. Norman -
CITY SLICKERS - (1991)
Watching Norman being born into the hands of a bumbling Billy
Crystal was almost enough for me to quit eating meat. Almost. Watching Jack
Palance shoot Norman's mom in the head afterwards was depressing, frightening,
and bad-ass. There's no emotion to describe that. It's the exact same way I felt
at the end of SEVEN. Add that to your fact jar for a rainy day.
9. Don't Go In There -
KNOCKED UP (2007)
I wasn't going to include this scene until I watched it again
while doing research. It's not so much the actual birth itself that makes it
memorable, it's the friends in the waiting room (Paul Rudd, Jason Segal, Jonah
Hill, Jay Baruchel, Leslie Mann, and Martin Starr) that sell it for me.
Especially Jonah Hill, the guy just nails every line he has with horrific
perfection. The pinkeye caused by someone farting on his pillow only adds to my
enjoyment.
8. Zombie Baby -
DAWN OF THE DEAD (2004)
This is one of those scenes that kept popping into my head as I
sat and waited for both my sons to pop out. I can't help it, there aren't many
situations in life where I don't imagine zombies showing up. This is why I have
a chainsaw in my truck and an axe under my bed. My wife coughed in her sleep
once and almost lost all her limbs.
7. Human Project -
CHILDREN OF MEN (2006)
This is by far the sappiest I'll ever get in this column. Having
Kee deliver the first baby in nearly two decades, smack-dab in the middle of a
British uprising, and watching as all the soldiers and rebels stop fighting when
they hear the baby crying is enough to buckle any tough guy. Ironically, when my
baby cries, sometimes my wife and I start a war and then she says we're not
having sex for two decades. Weird.
6. Spit-Shine -
THE BROOD (1979)
If I had mutated kids that were telepathically linked to me and
were able to act out whatever negative emotions I wanted, I would think that was
pretty sweet. I could have them attack Kobe Bryant's nutsack with taser guns or
show up in the background of 'The Hills' and start fire bombing random cast
members. My first order for them though, would be to get a towel and clean
themselves up. You couldn't get me to lick off the afterbirth if she was giving
birth to ten pound diamonds.
5. Baby Selwyn -
BRAINDEAD (1992)
While the birth of Baby Selwyn is entertaining enough, the
conceiving of the little zombie freak is even better. An undead priest and an
undead nurse get to getting it on during the most fucked up dinner scene of all
time and can't decide whether to make sweet love or eat each other. Anywhoo,
Selwyn comes two minutes later and starts destroying everything in his path. In
other news, I got my son a Sumatran Rat-Monkey for his third birthday. Good
call?
4. Man Child -
XTRO (1983)
Reason number 6 why you should never get raped by an alien.
Rules 1 through 5 all involve penis size. It's bad enough watching a full grown
man exit this woman's vagina as she gets set to wash the dishes, he then has to
chew through the cord and slosh his bloody gelatin all over her kitchen. A
woman's work is never done. Actually, hers is - she's dead.
3. Breed -
SHOOT 'EM UP (2007)
If this movie was just this scene it would be in my top 25 of
all time. Clive Owen goes from the beautiful delivery of a CGI baby in CHILDREN
OF MEN to this shitstorm of bullets and bad-guys with glorified ease. What
starts as another innocent night of eating carrots at a bus stop ends up with
baby in hand and shooting off the umbilical cord with the same gun you just
murdered ten guys with. Based on Johnny Moreno's life.
2. Hurt -
ALIEN (1979)
The first time I watched this scene left a mark somewhere in my
brain that, to this day, makes me curl up in a little ball on the floor whenever
someone starts coughing around me. I never eat at the dinner table, I never wear
white shirts, and I never, ever, stare into giant egg shaped pods from another
planet. It's a secluded life but you get used to it.
1. Bundle of Brundle -
THE FLY (1986)
What could be so horrifying to a woman in the middle of the
miracle of childbirth you ask?
Oh. I see you got yourself a bouncing baby maggot there. What
the fuck? Seriously, this scene couldn't be worse to think about when you're
waiting for your baby to come out. But there I was, silently holding my breath
as they dug around me wife's innards, waiting for the doctor hold up some
sort of mutated human larvae. Thankfully, the giant bug zapper I snuck in behind
my back never had to come into play. It's charging in the garage though because
my wife still wants a another one.
PREVIOUSLY:
10 Awkward Movie Blow-Jobs
10 Costume Suggestions
10 Fictional Towns I'd Like To Move To
10 Reasons I Never Pick Up Hitchhikers
12 Great Moments in Unorganized Sports
My 10 Favorite Elevator Scenes
10 Fun-Filled Prison Riots
Hotties vs. Geeks II
10 Awesome Ex-Cops
10 Awesome Movie Pool Parties
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2:11PM on 05/22/2009
I know it was vague but hey, seeing the alien in 'labour pains' was kinda cool. :D
I know it was vague but hey, seeing the alien in 'labour pains' was kinda cool. :D