10 Awkward Movie Blow-Jobs
I imagine all mainstream movie blow-jobs are awkward in one way or another, unless you're Chloe Sevigny. Something tells me there isn't an acting class for pretending to have a dick in your mouth while bobbing up and down in front of a flesh colored banana hammock. And what if there's an erection involved? How does everybody in the room ignore that? It makes for good cinema though, and that's what we're here to talk about - movies and blow-jobs. I wonder why I've never won an award for my writing.
10. Stinky BJ - MALLRATS
The actual awkwardness of this blow-job is left to our imagination as Brodie (Jason Lee) tells TS (Jeremy London) his girlfriend dumped him because he farted while she was going down on him. The epitome of dick & fart jokes.
9. Paranormal BJ - GHOSTBUSTERS
Getting head from dead people is pretty weird. Especially when the dead hottie looks exactly like your real-life wife. What was more awkward though is when I forgot about this scene and threw it on for my 6-year-old niece and she asked why the ghost is taking his pants off. Uh.... remember Slimer? He was funny, right?
8. Vehicular BJ - PARENTHOOD
The picture above has nothing to do with the scene but seeing Steve Martin with a fistful of dildo makes me giggle, so I threw it in there. The actual blow-job in question is given by Mary Steenburgen to Martin to relieve some stress on the road. They then proceed to run off the road and smash into shit. That last paragraph was sooooo stressful to write. I'll be right back.
7. Seizure BJ - MISS MARCH
Epilepsy, fellatio, and strobe lights don't mix. This is what I learned here. Also, when you decide to ignore my fancy blow-job advice and try this at home, make sure you have a fork handy to stab her in the face with after she locks down on your junk. I learned that too. Me learn good.
6. Decapitated BJ - HAUTE TENSION
Getting head in your truck on the side of the road is risky. What if someone sees? No worries here though because when the authorities come asking what the hell is going on he can just tell them "Jokes on you, Pig. I wern't havin' no sex in public, I was fuckin' this here skull from the bitch I slaughtered up yonder." Drive safe.
5. Revenge BJ - THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT
I understand the whole act of luring your victim to his most vulnerable state. Dude just raped your daughter and left her to die in a lake. He has no idea you know so let's have a little fun before we kill him real good. The awkward part? Why let the dude finish in your mouth before chomping his cock off? You'd think the first 2 or 3 seconds of fake fellatio would be enough of a set-up. Mommy takes a throat-load of sperm and then washes it down with blood.
4. Secret Surprise BJ - SINGLE WHITE FEMALE
Watch how halfheartedly this dude pushes Hedy (no joke, that's her name) away once he realizes it's not his fiance. I think it was awkward for about 1.2 seconds - and then she swallowed. Afterward he's all "What the fuck?", which really meant "Why did you partake in such pleasant awesomeness for which I am eternally grateful?" and then rolled over and went to sleep.
3. Incestuous Tranny BJ - PINK FLAMINGOS
I've got a role in my next film for you. There's this one scene though where you get head from a dude that's dressed up like a woman that's playing your mother. And if you don't mind, I need to the oral sex to look authentic so he/she is really going to go down on you. It's awkward to just type it.
2. Guttenberg BJ - POLICE ACADEMY
Getting secret head infront of a room full of your peers sounds exciting. In modern times this would give new meaning to the phrase "Powerpoint Presentation". Imagine though, after being zipped up and walking away from the podium of pleasure, you look back and see this.
Fucking Guttenberg! No matter how careful you are, or how tightey your whiteys are, he always ends up with your dick in his mouth.
1. Worst. BJ. Ever. - THE WORLD ACCORDING TO GARP
Let's make a list of all the shit this blow-job causes. 1) Two cars are destroyed. 2) A man requires surgery after biting through his own tongue. 3) A woman almost breaks her neck and is confined to giant head-gear for months. 4) A man's penis is bitten off. 5) A child loses an eye. 6) A younger child dies. 7) A woman's teaching career is ruined. 8) A middle-aged man must move back in with his mother, where John Lithgow lives as a woman.
I was 8-years-old when I saw this and was quite certain my penis would never see the light of day for as long as I lived. Then I discovered porn.
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1:51AM on 11/05/2009