IT’S THE BOOZE TALKIN’: Must See Piranha 3-D.

Last Updated on July 23, 2021

Must See Piranha 3-D.

During the onslaught of testosterone for THE EXPENDABLES and the geeky goodness of SCOTT PILRGIM hype this past week there was another little movie that I couldn’t quite get out of my head. PIRANHA 3-D is fascinating to me. Not because of it’s worn-out premise, or it’s oddly thrown together cast, or it’s tired use of 3-D. It’s how perfectly all of these things are being used together to promote the film. When you have a film like this it helps that the people behind the scenes get what it’s supposed to be. They get it. They get it real good. Ask ten horror fans what they think of the film and five of them are going to say it looks like shit. All ten are going to see it though, because love it or hate it, they know it’s going to be a blast.

The subtle hints at what to expect in that poster above are heart warming. Chick with a great ass is drunk as hell, topless, and about to be slaughtered by hundreds of evil fish. Fifty percent of the trailer is drunk women in bikinis, the other half is blood, carnage, Ving Rhames being badass, Christopher Lloyd being “Doc”, Richard Dreyfuss being a homage, and thousands of little screaming monsters biting people in the ass. It all makes you forget about the image of Eli Roth being a douchey Spring-breaker (dude is 38, WTF?). The footage at Comic Con turned it up a bit by showing a topless woman being sliced in half and another fine young lady getting her face ripped off after her hair gets caught in a boat propeller. Still not pumped? Liar.

Speaking of the gore, there seems to be a lot to go around here. And while the tits and ass is being proudly pushed down the throats of any and all teenage boys, the blood and guts are sure to solidify the film for some sick and demented purists. Again, none of this is groundbreaking, sex and puke-inducing death go waaaaay back. Rarely does it look so fun though. It’s one of those films that will have crowds cheering at the boobs and then cheering louder when they get lopped off in a frenzied bloodbath. See this movie with the right crowd and it just might be the greatest time of your life. Also: be drunk and/or high.

Back to the cast – if you haven’t watched this new “For Your Consideration” clip , do so now. I’ll wait. See what I mean about them getting it? While waiting at the theater in San Diego for the aforementioned “too hot for Comic Con” footage there were some delays and the crowd was starting to get restless. All was forgiven however when most of the star-studded cast came out to deliver popcorn to the audience. They stopped for pictures, shot the shit, fell victim to more than one of our secret pics (find Ammon above), and just flat-out made us all fall in love with them. Listen, when Elisabeth Shue comes out to give you popcorn, you go see her movie. You also hug her until security beats you with clubs.

Finally, with one last kick to the ass, Kelly Brook pulls the delightful “pose in Playboy right before your movie opens” trick. And it works very well. Why doesn’t this happen more often? In fact, why isn’t there a magazine just dedicated to this act? Nude movie promotion goes along way. Every film should have one contract with a hidden clause that says you have pose naked four weeks prior to the release date. If possible, this should always be given to Kelly Brook. For every movie ever made.

Maybe it’s the booze talking but I can’t f*cking wait for this film. It’s punched every button it needs to punch for me. Could be shit, but I know it’s going to be a blast.