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Top 10 Horror Movie Turkeys of 2019 (Worst Genre Flicks of the Year!)

Thanksgiving already? Good gravy where does the motherf*cking time go!?

Well, we have a little something different for y’all this festive holiday season. Rather than bludgeon you with the same old Thanksgiving horror joints to check out this year, we’re going the opposite direction. Don’t fret though folks, we’re still fixing to give you a giant dose of turkey! Horror turkey that is! That’s right, enough the warm fuzzy feelings and holiday cheer, it’s time to skewer the worst horror movies of the year so far. There’s a lot to feast upon, so be warned, this might get messy. Strap on the bib, loosen your belt and grab a cold brew…given the expectations (in some cases), here are our Top 10 Horror Movie Turkeys of 2019!

#10. HELLBOY

Most fervent HELLBOY fans instinctively knew that, without visionary Guillermo del Toro manning the ship, the newest iteration was bound to take a dip. However, Neil Marshall (THE DESCENT) has proven to be a hell of a filmmaker in the past, so when HELLBOY was released with such middling results and sagging fanfare this past April, we knew the cinematic disappointment had a chance to make the list of the biggest 2019 genre Turkeys. For as likable as David Harbour is in Stranger Things, the biggest problem with the film is that he’s simply no Ron Perlman, who was tailor-made for and has since become synonymous with, the role of Hellboy. No replacing the OG!

#9. REPLICAS

Even the title, REPLICAS, ensures nothing but a derivative and inferior clone of serious and scintillating sci-fi sagas that came before it. Indeed, this limp and listless Keanu Reeves vehicle is a pricey and poorly told Frankenstein/Flatliners offshoot that did not resonate with anyone who saw it. The movie cost $30 million and only made $4 million at the U.S. and $9 million internationally, earning some of the worst reviews of the year along the way. The plot concerns a biologist who, after losing his family in a car crash, desperately tries to revive them back to life. Hey producers, maybe think twice about letting a dude in Jeffrey Nachmanoff direct a movie this expensive after a decade removed from feature filmmaking.

#8. SADAKO

It gives us no pleasure to say this, but we’re afraid that SADAKO marks the official fall from grace for once-promising J-horror director Hideo Nakata. What the hell happened to this dude? After spending years trying to translate his Japanese horror tales to American audiences, he finally went back to his native tongue for what should have been a return to form in SADAKO. Alas, the movie shows none of the stylistic panache and inherent terror of his earlier movies like RINGU and DARK WATER. Based on the Koji Suzuki novel, SADAKO tills familiar Nakata territory, as a viral Youtube video captures a ghost and awakens a deadly curse that a passel of people must overcome.

#7. BRIGHTBURN

While we can appreciate the ambition, the tonal inconsistencies of the horrific superhero movie BRIGHTBURN was a bit too irksome to overlook. Some parts of the movie work, but most do not, and when you fuse the two, a wildly uneven movie is left to hang in the awkward imbalance. Written by cousins Mark and Brian Gunn (kin to James Gunn), directed by THE HIVE’s David Yarovesky, BRIGHTBURN wonders what would happen if a child alien from another world arrived on Earth with superpowers, but chose to use them on behalf of evil rather than good? The decent premise is squandered by poor execution and wasted potential.

#6. WOUNDS

Having personally reviewed Babak Anvari’s skillful Iranian chiller UNDER THE SHADOW a few years back, I had great expectations for his follow-up film, WOUNDS. When Armie Hammer and Dakota Johnson were cast, the enthusiasm escalated, knowing that, at the very least, such actors would afford Anvari a bigger budget to tell a new horror story. Unfortunately, aside from a few character-driven moments of intrigue, WOUNDS shows all of its scars by the time the credits roll. The film follows a New Orleans barkeep (Hammer) who finds a lost cell-phone left behind at a pub and becomes increasingly paranoid over what its contents may hold.

#5. THE CURSE OF LA LLORONA

When the trailers for THE CURSE OF LLORONA arrived, a certain promise for the Mexican-American horror flick flickered through the few images shared. When the movie came out, however, it became clear that, despite belonging to the formidable CONJURING universe, the movie could not escape its own curse of laughable ineptitude. When a social worker looks down on what appears to be an abusive mother, she fails to heed her admonition of impending doom. Despite appearances, the woman is trying to protect the children from a demonic scourge invading their home. Critically and commercially, THE CURSE OF LA LLORONA is the least successful CONJURING flick to date.

#4. THE GALLOWS ACT II

Given the insolent atrocity of the first film, how a sequel to THE GALLOWS was ever green-lighted in the first place is almost as head-scratching as the film itself. My lord! Written and directed by those responsible for the first film, Travis Cluff and Chris Lofing, this slow-burn, cliché-ridden and jump-scare-laden bore-fest follows the scholastic transfer of Auna Rue (Ema Horvath). Once Auna attends a new school, she’s besieged by a series of supernatural oddities after participating in a class challenge to see who can go viral. In the end, young punks get what they deserve, which we root for far harder than their survival. Never a good sign when you side with the demon!

#3. THE HAUNTING OF SHARON TATE

Judging by its rotten 22% Tomato rating, I was far too kind in my assessment of THE HAUNTING OF SHARON TATE, a movie that disrespectfully ignores history and factual accuracy in order to deliver cheap, distasteful, gratuitous “thrills” despite whatever harm it may have caused Sharon Tate’s remaining family members. It’s inexcusable. And would be even if the movie was well-made instead of starring a Food Network host as the real-life Jay Sebring (Tarantino at least had the respect to get Emile Hirsch). The bottom line, few films are as ugly in their intent as they are in their aesthetic, and THE HAUNTING OF SHARON TATE is in such rarified air.

#2. THE AMITYVILLE MURDERS

It can’t be an easy feat making two of the three worst genre flicks of 2019, but unfortunately, such a dubious distinction goes to the one and only writer/director Daniel Farrands. Out to make no friends among respective families involved, Farrands ought to have learned his lesson after THE HAUNTING OF SHARON TATE left such a bitter aftertaste in the mouths of literally everyone who saw it. And yet, similar mistakes were made in THE AMITYVILLE MURDERS, which neither cares for nor respects the facts of the case, but repulsively and unethically fudges facts and points fingers to simply induce a scare. But it doesn’t achieve that very well either.

#1. COUNTDOWN

Who the hell thought COUNTDOWN was good enough for a theatrical release? Better yet, who deemed the script worthy of spending a single reel of film on? We want answers damn it, as COUNTDOWN is easily the worst horror movie to get a major theatrical release in 2019. Hell, the filmed earned a 2/10 from our official AITH review. Written and directed by Justin Dec, COUNTDOWN is guileless techno-thriller about nurse Quinn Harris (Elizabeth Lail) who downloads an app that tells her she has only a few days to live. With the old race against the clock underway (NICK OF TIME, anyone), Quinn must figure out who’s behind the deadly game and figure out a way to conquer it.

Tags: Hollywood

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