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Andre the Butcher(2005)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Philip Cruz

April Billingsley/Jasmine Tyner
Maury Sterling/Hoss
Heather Joy Budner/Cookie
Ron Jeremy/The Butcher
7 10
Four cheerleaders (one of them is a dude… make your own joke) on their way to wherever the fudge they were going (some Cheer thing) get stranded at a secluded abode. The Karo hits the fan when a Supernatural, cleaver wielding Ron Jeremy pops up to make a mess. Ron, blood and titties…a match made in hell?

Hey! Three hot hicks and a dude with weed here! - Jimbo

The setting: My rat-hole apartment.

The players: Me, 2 kool dudes, 3 groovy gals.

The drinks: 2 cases of beer (we went the Corona way) and a bottle of Tequila (to wash the beer down).

The movie: Andre the Butcher

The experience: I knew when I got my cooking mitts on a rough cut of Andre the Butcher that I had to make it a group thing with booze in tow as opposed to a solo sit down with a cup of Drano in hand. Judging by the gnarly trailer, I had a hunch that this flick would deliver much more under those circumstances. So was I on the dot or what? You bet I was!

Shot on a low budget, Andre the Butcher was an intentionally campy and shamelessly smutty journey into blood and guts land. The moment that old-fart narrator (brilliantly played by Gene Nash) popped up onscreen we knew we were in for good times at the out-house! Man did we laugh our asses off with this one! Granted the fact that we’re all juvenile “mooks” helped augment our fun level but it should be said that the solid and witty writing had a lot to do with it as well. I was personally mucho wooed by the screenplay’s cleverness when it came to its sexually charged humor (the boner jokes and the sausage/peach bit were two for the books), its sly pokes at its characters’ individual quirks (the arachnophobia chick killed me) and it’s sharper than a razor blade jammed under one’s toenail dialogue. Although I’m tempted to list all of the side-splitting gags that were in the film for ya; I won’t, I’ll just ask you this heart felt question: Does the idea of seeing a fat chick being lured to her doom by a glazed Donut hung on a string make you smile silly? No! Well stop reading this review right now champ and move on! Yes? YOU’RE ONE OF US!!!! Open up a brew, zip down your pants and come on in!

The superior than the usual low budget norm performances also helped make this drink go down smoother than a deloused hooker reading a SEARS catalogue out loud with a Burger King crown on her head while sitting on one’s face. The wide ensemble cast was highly convincing with each player delivering his/her lines with gusto. For some reason my instinct told me that this must have been an amusing shoot to live through. I felt the actors having a hoot-nanny with it all, hence so did I! Now, I couldn’t go on with this drivel without mentioning Ron “King Kong Cock” Jeremy as the cleaver wielding villain. Although “The Hedgehog” didn’t yap much here, his loveable presence and dead pan show were mucho appreciated by all. You haven’t lived a full existence until you’ve witnessed Ron Jeremy insanely Kung Fu some cheerleader skirt to high beating heaven. You see the moves on that mofo? WOW! You go Ron! Add to all that thick syrup a pound of crowd-pleasing directing moments (adored the ode to Twin Peaks), a handful of graphic gory bits, and breast shots for the whole family and you get one hell of an enjoyable watch!

On the limp side of the dong; being that this was a low budget flick, they shot most of it in the daytime (it's cheaper that way) but I kept craving the night for some reason and it came in a little too late. My main peeve though had to do with the pacing of the whole which was on and off, especially during the middle section. There were times where the story was out of juice so it threaded in place like a one legged tap dancer whilst other sequences went on for too long (the whole villain back-story thing snoozed me up). Lastly; the last block lacked most of the “out there” humor that had driven the flick thus far. Were they trying to play it straight for the finale? If so bad move, where how the heck could I take anything seriously after the first rock and fruit roll-up hour I was put through? Thankfully the conflict ended on a unique chuckle moment, one that I inexplicably called out 5 minutes before it went down but that had me grinning like The Joker on Ritalin nonetheless.

When all was stabbed, undressed and "Ron Jeremied", Andre the Butcher resulted in a splendid horror party movie. We were yelling, laughing, screaming and one of the girls’ at my pad even got aroused by the “lesbian” bit. What is it with straight broads getting turned on by dame on dame action anyways? WHO CARES! As long as it ends off down my pants, it’s all good. Thank you for the fix Andre the Butcher.…I owe you one! You gonna hit this shin-dig or what?
There was enough meat in this Beef-Jerky to please! We get a knife in the eye, the ingestion of one’s own rotten flesh, loose eyeballs, a dude cut in half with innards coming out, a cleaver in the hand, an arm shot off and more! Chew on this!
Man this movie had a large cast! April Billingsley (Jasmine) did wonders as the ass-whooping, repressed lesbian. I'd eat peaches with her any day! Maury Sterling (Hoss) underplayed it to perfection. I loved his sense of stillness! Justin Capaz (Jimbo) rocked as the cocky, poon loving, boner challenged male cheerleader. Heather Joy Budner (Cookie) put out a decent delivery and looked swell in a bikini! Great show! Ron Jeremy (The Butcher) has this endearing and pokerface aura about him and that shined through here! I also dug his Karate kicks! NICE!

Terry Mross (Sheriff Cooper) was a remarkable scumbag! Faye Canada (Deputy Hollingsworth) owned as the tough talking, shotgun blasting cop! Elizabeth Mullins (Kristy) was on the ball as the chunky chick who really and I mean really likes to eat. Gene Nash (Narrator) brought the freaking house down with his charismatic jiving and swell harmonica playing. Alan Fessenden (Tober) played his bumbling, constantly laughing part well.
T & A
The ladies get Justin Capaz showing off his 6-Pack while us dudes get upskirts galore (yum), various yummy tit shots courtesy of "stunt titter" April Renee filling in for Heather Joy Budner's chi-chis (thanks girl!) some girl on girl action, chicks masturbating (mostly suggested) and some Chili laced toe sucking (?!?)
Mr. Cruz showed some pizzaz behind the camera via some creative shots, slick angles, an able use of his smoke machine (hey, we all own one) and a money use of freeze frame (loved that shite!). Furthermore, the cinematography was mostly on the ball; I loved that orangish lighting stuff!
Since this was a rough cut; I won't address the music here. But the varied tunes they used fit the bill! That Death Metal owned!
Andre the Butcher was a quick-witted, deliciously horny, fairly gory and hands down hilarious little pleasure! This one warrants a meticulously planned sit down with booze and friends as company that’s for sure! Granted, the narrative could’ve used some tightening up in places and the tone did get a tad too serious for its own good near the end but I had a riot-act…scratch that...we all had a riot-act with it anyways. This is what I recommend you do: Line up some shooters shots (Tequila preferably) and have everybody take one when: -Ron Jeremy points cutlery at somebody -That cut in half dude says “Somebody please kill me!”-Sexual innuendos are spat out —The narrator surfaces. Trust me, when the ends credits rolled, you’ll be nice and toasty and only then will you be allowed to zip down your zipper and ask to be Scooby-Snacked on. March on soldiers and good luck!
The film was formaly known as "Dead Meat"

Justin Kapz and Alan Fessenden also starred in Philip Cruz's first film "The Big Bang".

Alan Fessenden's character was named Tober in both films.

Dead Meat was shot in Florida, USA