Reviews & Counting
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Hills Have Eyes II(2007)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Martin Weisz

Michael McMillian/Napoleon
Jessica Stroup/Amber
Daniella Alonso/Missy
Jacob Vargas/Crank
4 10
A group of paper thin and incredibly inept National Guard trainees find themselves in the hills of wherever battling a family of mutated mooks. It’s morons versus deformed retards! Swell… just swell.
I so grooved to the original The Hills Have Eyes remake and was looking forward to this sequel. Even though the word on the horror street was that it blew pea soup chunks in Chef Boyardee’s hat; I marched in there willing and able to give it a clean shot at entertaining me silly. I so wanted to dig it! So did I? Take a wild guess!

HILLS 2’ initial premise had some potential in its clip! I mean any plotline that has armed soldiers battling zany malformed monsters is always good shit to me! I love horror, I worship action and I totally get off on them being gelled together. Regrettably for my sorry ass; my hopes for “fun f*cking times” went down the shitter the moment the film introduced its “shame to the uniform” military team. Whoever thought having a bunch of clumsy, do all the wrong moves, immature and weakling soldiers as heroes instead of a group of badasses a la “Predator gang” should have their heads and testies examined. How in Zeus’ name am I supposed to root for such a bunch of whiny, bickering and poseur clowns? Impossible!

The sad sack dialogue that leaked out of these zeroes’ holes made them all that much more irritating too. Personally, the last thing I want to hear from a good guy after seeing him gun down a mutant, in slow motion no less, is “beeyotch”. Not bitch, not beyatch… but beeyotch. Was this a military unit or Grade 5 schoolyard rejects? Pathetic! The flick failed me when it came to it’s connect the dots narrative structure and mundane action scenes as well. Plot wise, the film never deviated from your standard “horror/action” 101 mold, with every plot turn telegraphed eons ahead. So that was that on that as to surprises and suspense. As for the physical get downs; they were too few, brief, un-original and far between for them to deliver anything else but “meh”. And being that I had zero investment in the characters or the situation; let’s just say that it was tough for me to get jazzed about them when they went down.

Do I have anything positive to say about this blank filled cork-gun? Well some of the mutant designs were on the money (loved that chameleon rock dude) but alas the beasties were too underused for my liking. The gore effects by the always reliable KNB team did come through as to their execution... when I saw them that is. Alas, the blood shed was often shot in such a quickie way that I didn’t really get the opportunity to appreciate it. Finally; actress Jessica Stroup kept me awake when the rest of the film was hammering me to dead-sheep land. Now that was a great looking lady! Her sparkling blue eyes, button nose and full lips had me sit up more than once. Yup, I’m that guy!

All in all; The Hills Have Eyes 2 was a total let down. It belongs on the straight to DVD B-Movie shelves not the big screen. There was nothing exciting or memorable about this dreck. I was so bored and couldn’t wait for it to end! I hope you guys and dolls enjoy seeing idiots posing as soldiers wander around aimlessly within a dark mine; cause looking back that’s all I remember. NEXT IN LINE PLEASE!
Although the flick was nowhere near the gore fest that was the original remake; we got enough red grub to satisfy. I’m yapping: cut off arms, objects rammed in heads, nasty aftermath cadavers, stabbings, a slimy mutant tongue, mutant snot and more! Just don’t blink because the film cuts away from the goods very fast.
Michael McMillian (Napoleon) was the better actor here. He was the more natural and credible of the lot. Jessica Stroup (Amber) often made up for her lack of emoting by being so damn photogenic. What a cutie! Daniella Alonso (Missy) did what she had to do; act tough and scream. Jacob Vargas (Crank) played the cocky a-hole well; too bad his juvenile dialogue often made him look bad. NOTE: To be fair to the actors; they didn't have much to play with as to characterization or good dialogue.
T & A
We get a pair of female cantaloupes early on. Bad news is: they were displayed while the dame was giving birth to a mutant. Nope leverage did not happen!
Serviceable. That’s all that comes to mind when thinking of the film's visuals: serviceable. Apart from a couple of slick shots and some polished cinematography; nothing special or stand out here.
We get a strong, down and dirty electronic score that was way too quality inclined for this turd.
Trash (noun): anything worthless, useless, or discarded - rubbish - literary or artistic material of poor or inferior quality. I’ll take the “so bad its good” original 1985 “dog has flashbacks” The Hills Have Eyes 2 over this un-inspired, tension-less, thin on all counts and tedious to sit through effort. How anybody can make soldiers pitted against psycho mutants so damn dull, lazy and predictable, is beyond me! They should’ve cast Chuck Norris in this one; he at least would have livened things up with his moustache lips and death defying round kicks. I say wait for the DVD, and when it comes out ignore the f*ck out of it like that last one night stand you had. What a waste!
The script was written by father and son team Wes Craven and Jonathan Craven.

Wes Craven wrote and directed The Hill Have Eyes 1 (1977) and 2 (1986).

Jonathan Craven wrote the 1995 stinker The Outpost aka The Mindripper which was initially slated to be The Hills Have Eyes 3.