Reviews & Counting
# A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Uwe Boll

Zack Ward/Dude
Dave Foley/Uncle Dave
Jackie Tohn/Faith
Seymour Cassel/Paul
6 10
Okay, this is quite the plot line so bare with me here. Some poor job-less schmuck named “Dude” is married to a fat tub of shit that everybody within 5 centimeters of her bangs silly in every orifice (great marriage). He eventually teams up with his sham of a Cult Leader (aren’t they all) Uncle Dave (Foley) to steal a shipment of scrotum shaped dolls called Krotchy. Still with me? Groovy! Problem is the Taliban, led by that Osama Bin Laden coward, also want them dolls to jerk-off to, just kidding, he wants them because vials of avian flu have been stashed inside them. Worlds collide in a hail of bullets, sex jokes and brutality.
There is one thing you should know about me as an individual before I go buck wild with this review. 1- I don’t like politics, I don’t follow it and it bores me to tears. I get it, most peeps that are in a position of power around the world is a freaking monkey. Names change, the apes stay the same and they can all kiss my ass. I don’t look down on people who dig politics; it’s just my personal choice to NOT GIVE A SHIT. I’d rather stare at a tree for a day than talk politics.

Now let’s ra-ta-tat POSTAL; I never played the game and don’t know jack-squat about it. As for the film; it’s a trashy and loving it political satire that aims to offend everybody. By rule of thumb up one’s ass, I don’t like political satires. Dr. Strangelove for example was a freaking borefest to me, but even with my dislike for the subgenre in tow, I did find some stuff to boogie to when it came to POSTAL. Now I won’t BS you, I didn’t give two shits about the slim connect the dots spine that acted as plot for this flick. Didn’t interest me or stimulate me in any way. Just an excuse to keep the sex, violence and jokes coming. All good. What I did get off on though was the mucho crude humor, the constant pushing of the envelope when it came to the society imposed definition of “good taste”, the out there brutality, the colorful characters and the portrayal of Bin laden and George Bush as good buddies who also happen to be imbeciles (much like in real life). No I don’t know politics but I do know the basics. It surely helped matters that Boll drove his missile home with energy and style and rarely missed a chance to make fun of himself or/and his public persona. Fun shite! Made it all go down much easier. Yup, I laughed a lot!

I chuckled when kids got shot, I giggled when some lard ass dame got finger-cuffed by two dudes, I smiled when some dame got shot-gunned by a black cop who used the race card to justify it and chuckled harder when Dave Foley exposed his limp penis and started playing with it. Furthermore the many "out there" shoot-outs (everybody owns a gun in this flick) hit the spot. Me likey pow-pow. Granted, POSTAL did try to shock non-stop but that didn’t happen to me once. Why? Because for me, when it is blatantly obvious that its a film’s main intent, it has the opposite reaction on me. The more I see a flick trying to overtly shock me, the less I’m rattled by it. Same thing happened to me with Cannibal Holocaust. If the shocks are organic to the narrative, that’s another story, but here they were shock for shocks sakes. NOTE: When this film gets some kind of release, I will laugh even more at all the “groups” that will get their panties in a bunch due to it. Freaking morons. Push a button, they react, like puppets with hands up their asses. Pathetic.

On the stale side of the stamp; the middle section did lag. More emphasis was put on the non story and the jokes diminished in numbers. I got antsy in my seat. I also craved more “results” out of the shootouts. There were lack of ”inserts” here with the gun battles going like this: one guy on one end shooting — reverse on other guy shooting back — and that was it. I needed squib shots! CG or practical, I didn’t care at this point! They are the pay-offs when it comes to gun stuff for the love of Zeus. And why was Verve Troyer in this film again apart from the fact that he’s a midget? Sorry but midgets stopped being funny to me the second I nailed one and hid her in my sock drawer; therefore he did next to nothing for me here.

Finally the flick did have a message to it but apart from one line that actually resonated with me (paraphrasing): “Why are we killing ourselves in the name of God, when God is perfectly capable of doing the killing for himself”, it went over my head. Idealistic and somewhat naïve, I couldn’t buy into it. I mean, I know the world sucks, I f*cking survive it everyday! I know that society is a joke, that ethics/values are out the window and that everybody is out for themselves. Having a film re-integrating it to me in such a simplistic way evoked one phrase out me: “tell me something I don’t know bubba!"

Overall though; I enjoyed POSTAL even if it wasn't really my kind of film. Think an Airplane like comedy with balls and a political agenda while wearing its “I will offend you sucker” attitude on its sleeve. The sexual content, the mayhem, the out there comedy and politically incorrect flavor was cracked to the max and they evoked smiles on my face. At the end of the kill, that's all that matters. The flick might appeal more to people who actually give a shit about politics and get offended at the drop of a dead whore, but even a jaded f*ck like me could find all kinds of stuff to cha-cha to. So let’s bang the mailman’s wife and go Postal already. POSTAL!!!!!!
The film’s excessive violence and random Ketchup gags were my highlights hence I won’t ruin them here. I will say this; you’ll be well served!
Zack Ward (Dude) aced the role and was one of the key reasons as to why my eyes stayed on the screen. He gave a credible, intense and empathetic show. He played it fairly straight hence upping the impact of the madness around him. Smart move. Dave Foley’s (Uncle Dave) matter of fact, cock juggling and semi manic display had me in stitches. Funny ass dude! Is it wrong that all I retained off Jackie Tohn (Faith) in the film was her plump lips and derriere. If it is, so be it. Seymour Cassel (Paul) gave a grounded and endearing show, even in a film of this ilk. Love that guy! Michale Pare had an hilarious cameo as some yo-yo with a chip on his shoulder. Great shit!
T & A
Dick, tits, ass (male and female), lesbo stuff, simulated girl on girl oral and I'm sure I caught one "vagin" as Borat would say. Any questions?
With Postal. Boll was at his most consistent. He directed his baby with energy and style; only getting bogged down near the middle by his plot line which rendered the visuals into more standard fare. The rest of the time it was all about zany angles, creative scene transitions and cocaine on coke pace. Good job!
This might be the first time I say this in a review, and I’ve been doing this job for like for 7 years…I…don’t…remember.
All in all, POSTAL was a competently acted, “f*ck everybody”, jamboree of guns and giggles that rocked hard when it came to not pulling any punches. Sure, its “be shocked, be shocked” demeanor randomly turned me off, some of the shoot-outs were lacking and the middle section dragged cause it focused on its anti-story. But on a whole, I enjoyed it. Is it Uwe Boll’s best film? Of the one’s I’ve seen, for me yes. Does he have better films up his sleeve? I think so. It’s very hard to beat perseverance and the man has it; got to give him that.
Gary Coleman turned down the chance of reprising the role he had in the video game in this adaptation. Okay... I guess he's real busy these days...meh...