Reviews & Counting
# A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Written by: The Arrow
Director: James Isaac

Jason Behr/Varek
Elias Koteas/Jonas
Rhona Mitra/Rachel
Kim Coates/Zo
5 10
SING IT WITH ME KIDS! Good werewolves on the left, bad werewolves on the right, kid in the middle, gonna be bloodshed tonight! AGAIN! Good werewolves on the left, bad werewolves on the right, kid in the middle, gonna be bloodshed tonight!
Could’ve been, could’ve been, and… you guessed it… could’ve been. SKINWALKERS aimed to do for the werewolf subgenre what The Lost Boys and Near Dark did for bloodsuckers; modernize and hip them up that is! Alas, although good ideas were resting snuggly in this coffin; they were rarely capitalized upon heavily enough for the whole to leave much of an impression on my stupid ass.

Now I did boogie to Skinwalkers on a few basic levels. The flick looked eye-candy slick, rolled out faster than a two minute cracker-jack-tramp on speed, sported a couple of tight slow motion whoring shoot-out sequences (too bad the good guys couldn’t aim for shit) and a claw-full of decent action scenes. To be honest, the film was a fairly easy and effortless watch and that always counts for something in my simpleton world. The talented actors at work also helped in making it all go down easy. They did the best they could with their occasionally shoddy dialogue and the ho hum characterization they were stuck with. Yup, they made it all reasonably bearable to sit through.

Moreover, the (intentional?) laughs hit the spot (all about that grandma with her huge gun...lol) and I really dug the sly plot twist that arose at the 40 minutes mark. Even though the flick didn’t run with it as far as it could’ve had, it still managed to jack up the stakes of the situation, hence upping my involvement… something this ride really needed at that point. Finally; I got to neuter the Rated R version of this puppy (PG 13 blows. F*ck that shite if I can. And this time, I could!), so yup. the random moments of red-wet gore splashing about carved a smug smile on my silly-willie face. Too bad the smutty nudity was all about Behr’s whiter than an albino’s ass, ass and NOT Mitra’s fun bags. How did that happen?

With that stabbed, slit, banged. doggied and snapped in half, Skinwalkers so failed as a genre entry. It shamefully underplayed its werewolf (or Skinwalkers… call it what you want… who gives a fudge…) angle; consequently feeling more like a low budget (Where were the extras in this flick?) action film that Chuck (Great Man) Norris should’ve starred in than a horror jamboree. Besides, when the SELDOM werewolf stuff did pop out, I can’t say I was too bowled over by it. The transformations were half assed CGI at best and the end makeup was fairly uninspired (kool eyes though). And the same can be growled about the blah villains. Sure, we got cool looking, bad guy were-bitches that rode motorcycles and looked good in cut-off Jean jackets… but that was pretty much it. In most films, villains steal the show, cause they’re more compelling than the goodie-goodie good guys... not here! The baddies were just not fleshed out or villainous enough to leave a mark. Their mean streak didn’t go further than Jason Behr’s impeccable 6 o clock shadow and Natasha Malthe’s striking “place your wiener here” cleavage. Too bad...

And don’t get me started on the cheesy mumbo jumbo storyline that dared to pretend to drive this film forward. I didn’t care for it or buy into it for an iota of a micro second. Thankfully, the narrative was solely a poor excuse to slap a string of uneven action scenes our way; thus it wasn’t as painful as it could’ve been. With that said, if I see one more shot of a CG hawk flying around a crappy background plate, I’ll force somebody to watch Exorcist 2 The Heretic with a carrot up their bung-holes. TACKY! By and large; Skinwalkers was much like my last lay, it looked good, was easy and once the load was blown, I totally forgot about it. So I recommend you treat the film as such. Rent it, bang it and never acknowledge its existence afterwards, nobody get hurts, everybody is happy, roll end credits… NEXT!
We get a knife in the eye, slit throats and grisly gun shot wounds. Thank Zeus I didn’t see the PG-13 version.
Jason Behr (Varek) did what he could with his criminally underwritten role — he looked cool — and that was that on that. Elias Koteas (Jonas) always rocks it hard and here was no exception — he brought a pinch of class to the project. Love that guy! Rhona Mitra (Rachel) was fine for the bulk of the flick but she under-reacted a tad now and again. Kim Coates (Zo) always makes for a strong villain; unfortunately; they didn’t milk his talents here. Bummer. Nice cleavage on Natassia Malthe (Sonja)! Count me in!
T & A
We get the side of Natasha Malthe’s right breast (yes just the side…TEASE!) and the ladies get Jason Behr’s clenching butt cheeks. Why hottie Rhonda Mitra kept her top or/and didn’t even show a hint of cleavage baffles my waffled mind!
Say what you will about Jim Isaac but the man sure knows how to milk a low budget and make a cheap film look more expensive than it is. He did it with The Horror Show, did it with Jason X and nailed it here too. Sleek, stylish and well paced, Skinwalkers looked and rolled on smoother than it should’ve had.
We get a throwaway and basic score that didn’t do much if anything for the film. Snore!
SKINWALKERS is ideal fodder for that Sunday afternoon when you’re girl is out banging some other dude behind your back (Dad?) and you’re bored out of your mind, in need of something to fill in the gap. Good lookin and action driven; you can do much worse than this chunk of vacuous genre fluff. But if you’re looking for the next great werewolf flick or another The Lost Boys; look somewhere else because this isn't it.
The flick was shot in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

Jason Behr last horror role was as Doug in The Grudge.