Reviews & Counting
# A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
The Eye (remake)(2008)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: David Moreau
Xavier Palud

Jessica Alba/Sydney
Parker Posey/Helen
Rade Serbedzija/Paul
Rachel Ticotin/Rosa
5 10
Cutie pie with a pair of "abuse me please" yummy lips Sydney (Alba) is blind as a bat. But when she undergoes a cornea transplant — she gets to see again. Too bad she keeps spotting dead folks and has countless oddball dreams. What in Burt Reynolds' golden toupee is going on? It’s up to her, her round ass, her 34-24-34 ta-tas and her flat belly to figure it out!
Having seen the Pang Brothers’ 2002 nail biter THE EYE, I can’t say I was popping mahogany when this THE EYE REMAKE was announced. Hence I was limp as I walked to the theater to once again tackle a film that I had already seen before. And then I was floppier than a roll of Cottonel (can you feel the softness) when I barged out of the screening room as the end credits rolled, to finally get back to doing something worthwhile (Then again, is writing this drivel worthwhile? Hmmmm...)

THE EYE REMAKE was what I expected it to be in this day and age of “Zero imagination-Hollywood horror sausage factory filmmaking”. It copy/pasted 85% of its forefather’s content, offering up the same fear set pieces, the same storyline and the same conclusion but all diluted. The scare bits that gave me the willies in the original were reproduced here in a half cocked fashion. Say bye bye to suspense and chills! That’s unless you count “telegraphing a fright via premature sound design” successful. Messed up if you stop and think about it. They were THE SAME DAMN SCENES but in the original they worked and here they failed like me in bed after a hard night’s of Vodka abusing. Cue in Twilight Zone theme song! I highly doubt this was David Moreau and Xavier Palud’s movie. The skills they showcased in the excellent ILS (aka THEM) were totally absent here. Smelled like “committee/suits” filmmaking to me aka THE WORST KIND!

And the same jive went for the dramatic content at hand. I just wasn't affected enough! The lead’s plight in readjusting to seeing, her frustrations and fear as to her peculiar situation… they just didn’t hit as hard as they should have. The forced and flimsy Doctor/Patient relationship sure didn’t help in the latter points! Talk about thin and farfetched! I was supposed to buy that shite! COME ON! Finally, the finale they put out echoed the one in the original to a T, except for one crucial thing — it pussied out! I couldn’t freaking believe it! One of the best damn things about the Pangs' flick was its brave wrap-up and here, what do they do? They go the sell-out, please "Tupperwear Wives" way! WHA????? Damn Hollywood… unf*ckingbelievable. No nut-sack left. BRING BACK THE 70’S ALREADY! GRRRR!

With that spat, licked off the ground, gulped down and re-spat out again; on its own, THE EYE redux moved at a decent pace, offered up a couple of spooky moments via its efficient CG Reapers and got at least two scenes right when it came to them sporting the impact that they should’ve (mirror and restaurant). Sexy Jessica Alba was able for the most part in the lead and of course, as we all know she’s definitely easy on the eyes and even easier on the crotch. Tag to all that a still technically impressive ending and razor editing that often gave the film the oomph it needed and you get a harmless, and easy watch.

I saw it and now I have to finish this review fast before I forget it! So I’m done! But I’ll leave ya with this: Hideo Nakata — THE RING 2 - The Pang Brothers — THE MESSENGERS - John Woo — PAYCHECK - David Moreau and Xavier Palud — THE EYE. Anybody else see a pattern? Brilliant foreign directors… STAY AWAY FROM HOLLY-WE PLAY IT SAFER THAN OUR GRANDMAS IN THE SACK — WOOD!!
We get creepy specters, light blood here and there, scratches and...well.. that was pretty much it.
Jessica Alba (Sydney) gets a bad rap because she’s ridiculously hot. The girl does have talent and her awkward dramatic scene with Parker Posey aside, she carried the film admirably. Parker Posey (Helen) came in, cashed a check, got to call somebody else “Sydney” in a horror flick and then vanished. Rade Serbedzija (Paul) did what he could with his poorly written part. It’s always nice to see TOTAL RECALL alumni Rachel Ticotin (Rosa) in a film! She stood out, even within such limited screen time.
T & A
Miss Alba in her bra/undies and nude through a foggy shower door (Body double?) is always good news to me! If it's good news to you too... get ready for some good news when you eye this flick... just don't blink.
Taking into account the oppressive dread filled atmosphere and the high levels of tension David Moreau and Xavier Palud pulled off in ILS (aka THEM); I was saddened to see such a flat and generic horror effort via this remake. What a weak follow up! It didn't feel like their style, unless they suddenly went “by the numbers” on my ass! I doubt it. My gut says; too many horny cooks spoiled the twat.
Not one of Marco Beltrami's best score. Don't get me wrong, it got the job done, but "generic" was the word. NOTE: get his The Crow Salvation score...f*cking brilliant!
Another typical, soulless and straight out of the mold Hollywood remake. If you’ve seen The Pang’s THE EYE (Gin gwai), don’t bother with this sub par dub; it’s the same film but with less edge, depth, bite, scares and balls. If you haven’t seen the original, catch it instead of this neutered puppy. Yeah it’s subtitled but hey, better that, than having to sit through weak sauce fluff. Granted THE EYE remake was more coherent and better put together than say the ONE MISSED CALL remake. But it was still a horror film made for moms, little girls or/and my “mentally challenged” uncle — not for to the core genre fans. Wait a minute… what movie am I yapping about again? Oh yeah! WHO CARES!
Initially the flick was set to star Renée Zellweger and to be directed by Hideo Nakata (Ringu).

Lionsgate took over the film after Paramount dumped it.

The film's editor Patrick Luissier directed some re-shoots in Vancouver.