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The Thirst(2007)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Jeremy Kasten

Clare Kramer/Lisa
Matt Keeslar/Maxx
Jeremy Sisto/Darius
Adam Baldwin/Lenny
6 10
Terminally ill Lisa (Clare Kramer) checks out but comes back as a sexed up vampire. She eventually drags her loving boyfriend (Keeslar) in there, which once turned, runs rampant with the gift in a happy-go-sucky way. Will love prevail? Will the thirst be managed? All is answered in a hail of jugs and red grub.
THE THIRST was a shameless balls to the wall, titties and gore party. At first glance it might come across as a Near Dark/Lost Boys rip-off but if you look closer, you’ll see that it stands on its own two fangs admirably.

Substance wise I totally grooved to the touching love story at play (Kramer and Keeslar made it happen) and the “vampirism as an analogy for drug addiction” angle. The latter aspect made way for some pretty twisted scenarios. You haven’t lived until you’ve witnessed two vampires starving themselves in a locked room to finally break down and chase a cat with a frying pan in hand. I was in stitches! Which bring me to the flick’s warped sense of humor. More often than none, it broke my funny bone in two. Any film that showcases two vampires “making love” via feeding messily off each other, set to a touching love song gets my bowling trophy for “solid clever stuff”!

Then there was the story showcasing an instant of running against convention that I mucho dug. You see in Near Dark and The Lost Boys, the new clan inductee had to be trained while not enjoying what he’s become. Here the new member embraced his vamp skills gleefully, becoming another person. Too bad the flick didn’t go all the way till the end with that approach, I was loving it. Finally, The Thirst hit the ball out of the park where it counted; ample gore and strip club inspired nudity. These vampires didn’t muck around when it came to chunky bites, ripped off limbs and causing blood geysers to spray out of human victims like Ron Jeremy earning a paycheck on some chicks face. The same went for the bobble factor, there were so many melons in this flick that I almost whipped 10 bucks and walked up to the screen to ask for a lap-dance. Smut and guts! Can’t go wrong!

With that vomited on ya like Brundle Fly after a chocolate bar, what’s my boggle with it then? Three crucial things. 1- The vampires were not cool...like at all! I mean The Lost Boys vamps were suave mofos. Near Dark pack? Freaking cowboy cool! Here? We get a bunch of eccentric, over the top, childish buffoons, wearing mommy’s stuff that I simply couldn’t get into (What was those constantly moaning/gyrating twins all about again? Didn’t get it). It was obvious that the vamps were played for laughs; sadly for me, they didn’t giggle me up...like at all! Finally, the obvious low budget hurt the film in places, nothing too crucial, I felt it during the finale though which took place in the “ultimate low budget location”; the woods. Didn’t spin my wheel.

The Thirst wasn’t a perfect film but it sported so much gore, chick flesh and ingenuity that I couldn’t help but lust for it nonetheless. You thirsty? Hope you like your Bloody Mary on the BLOODY SIDE!
I don’t know how gory the distributed cut will be but this version was filled to the brim with blood. I’m talking chunky bites, dismemberments, beheadings and so many blood sprays that I wanted to pick up a mop to clean the theater afterwards. F*cking A!
I had never heard of Clare Kramer (Lisa) but will keep a look out for her now. Gorgeous, sexy with well oiled acting chops, she had me at “hello”. She actually reminded me of Laura Palmer (Sheryl Lee) which is always a good thing. Matt Keeslar (Maxx) was also a revelation; he handled his part’s many layers like a champ. I’m a huge fan of Jeremy Sisto (Darius) and he did fine here. But his thick accent that made sure I hardly understood a word he was saying took away from his fun performance. Adam Baldwin (Lenny) whom I loved in Cohen and Tate and Serenity, missed my mark. I just didn’t find his character funny or engaging. Ellie Cornell (Nurse Linda) was golden within her limited screen time. I wanted more of her!
T & A
Give me a T! Give an A! What do I get? A shit load of fem nudity that I and the man-nimal in Levis appreciated. The ladies weren’t ignored either, buff dude butts and chests were on the menu. Everybody is happy!
Kasten helmed this sucka with energy, style and a big set of bull-dog balls. The editing was also on the ball for the most part, adding to the experience.
We get some fly industrial and an adequate score.
THE THIRST delivered the goods when it came to exploitation goodies and that’s always gnarly in my Necromonicon. It also showcased two strong leads, a credible romantic plot line, razor directing and inspired moments of dark/violent humor. Yeah, the silly-ass vamp clan failed to engage me BIG TIME and the finale was somewhat lacking but all in all if you like your Hooters steak rare, you should order The Thirst Plate!
The flick was shot in Santa Monica, California, USA.

Jeremy Kasten also directed The Attic Expeditions (2001), All Souls Day: Dia de los Muertos (2005) and is now in Post with The Wizard of Gore (2006)

See the film's teaser HERE