Reviews & Counting
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Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon(2011)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Michael Bay

Shia LaBeouf/Sam
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley/Rosie
Josh Duhamel/Lennox
Tyrese Gibson/Epps
7 10
The Decepticons are up to their old tricks again as a mysterious Autobot ship that crashed on the dark side of the moon years ago, becomes the main tool for their comeback i.e. the domination of earth. Will the Autobots nip Megatron and company in the bud before it’s too late? Will Sam yell out “Optimus!” in a dramatic way again? Will Bay shoot the shit out of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley's ass? What do ya think! Autobots! Transform! And BLOW SHIT UP!
Like many of you I reviled TRANSFORMERS 2. The script was a convoluted mess (Bay blamed the Writer’s Strike that was going down at the time); the flick was overly juvenile (wigger-bots, testicular jokes, bots humping Megan Fox, Sam's douche parents etc.) and the actions scenes were sub-par by Michael Bay standards. So it was with my guard up yet also excitement (I loved the first TRANSFORMERS flick and boogie to the property as a whole) that I rolled on in my TRANSFORMERS THE DARK OF THE MOON screening. And I was in a tizzy to see that the third time was the motherf*cking charm! Yup, Bay fixed pretty much everything that was wrong with TRANSFORMERS 2 here, hence slapping the franchise back on the right race track. So with that, here are eleven reasons WHY Transformers 3 made my night!

1- The script by Ehren Kruger was well structured, better written and less idiotic than its predecessor (kind of a take on the two part "The Ultimate Doom" episodes from the OG Transformers cartoons circa Season 1). It also sported plot turns that took me aback (nice!), drama that actually affected me and much better dialogue (fear not the random tacky lines were still there, but no harm no foul). I also dug how they used the real life Apollo 11 Moon mission as its springboard (with stock footage of the launch, the real JFK doing a speech and even some cool cameos that I won’t spoil) and that some of the TRANSFORMERS original lore (like the Matrix of Leadership) was included, hence pleasing this old school Transformers fan to some degree.

2- It was obvious that the actors were having lots of fun here and it looked like there was a lot of improvisation going on which resulted in some side splitting bits. Shia LaBeouf was on fire! The dude was so natural and every time he'd scream like a girl getting her cookies popped, I was on the floor. And the same went for newcomers Patrick ”McDreamy” Dempsey, John "crazy toupee" Malkovic (all about that Karate Cjop picture of him), Ken Jeong (in a totally left field and insane cameo) and the still sexy Frances McDormand. They all brought class and giggles to the proceedings.

3- John Turtorro who got on my nerves in the past entries FINALLY did right by me in this one. It surely helped that on this round he was basically playing his character of Jesus from the The Big Lebowski. All that was missing was his bowling ball and his nifty outfits. Dude had me in stitches!

4- Peter Cullen was back as Prime (Is it me or did his voice acting weaken when he got agitated? Didn’t sound like Prime anymore.), Hugo Weavin was Megatron once more, but the real treat was Leonard “Spock” Nimoy as the Sentinel Autobot (ironically enough he voiced Galvatron in the AWESOME 1986 cartoon movie). His performance was stellar and I couldn’t get enough of the STAR TREK 2: THE WRATH OF KHAN references. It made this Trekkie happier than a pig porking another pig... in shit. NOTE: Am listening to the WRATH OF KHAN soundtrack as I vomit this. GREAT SCORE!

5- I understand WHY Megan Fox dropped out of Transformers 3. She wanted to be more than eye candy and masturbatory material for Bay's intruding camera. Fair enough doll. At the same time, her replacement Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (who looks better on film than in some of the pics I saw her in) had NO PROBLEM being treated like a piece of white meat on two legs. Bay shot the night of the living crap out of her, shamelessly whacking off to her curvy assets and fat-f*cking-fat lips with his lens and hey; this horn-dog was not complaining. Dame looked finer than red wine poured on a 10 cent hooker’s ass!

6- The CGI was BEYOND excellent while the 3D was pretty money. There wasn’t enough stuff popping out of the screen for my liking but it still involved me further in the shenanigans at play and added to the ride; specially when it came to the POV driven areal chases. I felt like I was right in there, zooming away, yearning to transform into the jerk I truly am!

7- Although still infantile in places; the bottom of the diaper yuk-yuks were thankfully toned down, thus making it easier for me to connect to the film. Brains and Wheelie didn’t drive me mad like they did in Part 2 and Sam’s parents (Kevin Dunn & Julie White) were THANKFULLY brought down to cameo status. Being that they annoyed the frock out of me in Part 2. THANK YOU!

8- Was it me or was this one more violent than the last two films? Am talking red robot blood splashing (oil I guess), heads crushed, limbs ripped off. I was loving it! NOTE: Optimus Prime was pissed off in this one —damn! good shite!

9- Steve Jablonsky’s epic score so hit the spot and tagged with the jaw dropping imagery, manipulated fanboy chills out of me. The same went for the extensive use of Linkin Park’s ditty Burning in the Sky for the more tender moments. Got me right here (points at heart) and RIGHT HERE (points at crotch).

10- Bay was a man possessed behind the lens and the audio/visual assault he launched at my senses beat me to a pulp, tossed me in a dress and had me begging for more! The zany angles, crazy areal shots, powerful slow motion and insane sound design all kicked in to destroy me! On top of that the cinematography was gorgeous to boot!

11- In my useless opinion; the action scenes in Part 2 were pedestrian to say the least. Not up to Michael Bay's usual superiority in terms of the action norm. Here, the Master of Mayhem was back in top form! The action sequences were simply breathtaking in their scale, ambition, choreography and retina scorching execution. The explosions were grandiose in true Bay fashion and the token Bay highway mash-up had me sitting on the edge of my seat with a huge grin carved into my face.

Furthermore, the hand to hand robot fights were slickly staged and shot in a way that let us SEE the fist to cuffs while the last half hour tossed everything at me but Paris Hilton’s severed head and STD ridden twat. Excessive? Yes. Derivative of other Sci Fi flicks? Sure. Mucho entertaining? DAMN STRAIGHT SON! Now that’s the Michael Bay I know and love! Welcome back bro! I missed ya!

On the stale side of the razor laced condom; once again this sucka was overlong. The set up took forever whereas the end action scene although mammoth and filled to the brim with crazy “Bayhem” dragged on a bit. A good 25 minutes could have been shaved off this one’s ass and nobody would have blinked. Sometimes more is not better and this was one of them times! Moreover, suspension of disbelief had to be applied here and there. Yeah, duh! It’s Transformers 3 yo! With that, I couldn’t shake this question: “Why send a mechanical worm to destroy a handful of puny humans via ripping down a building when all you got to do is aim your laser gun upwards and blast away?” But hey, I let it go and lived to tell the tale. And am I alone in being sick of girlfriend characters in movies NOT backing their man up? Why do they always have to go against their goals and pull ultimatums?! I know it creates "drama" but it's kind of played out in my book. Back your boy for a change! Come on!

Lastly; as a veteran TRANSFORMERS fan it was a bit of a bummer that Bay didn’t try hard enough to stay faithful to the cartoons with his characters. Yes I was happy to see Shockwave (hey they got his "transform into a canon" and one eye right), Soundwave (not the one I know and love, his rendition again so let me down) and Laserbeak doing the doo; but much like a lot of the Bots, they were underdeveloped, and not close enough to their cartoon counterparts in personality i.e. they were somewhat wasted. And what was up with them Wreckers Autobots.? Yeah, never heard of them either. Should have had the Stunticons instead! Now that would have made my day! In short, I wish Bay would use the cartoon more as a source of inspiration for its characters and their designs…but that’s just me.

Overall; TRANSFORMER 3 was what TRANSFORMERS 2 should have been! Most of the peeves I had with the latter were corrected, so yeah, I had a great time in my theater seat! I hope you do too! TRANSFORM!
It felt like this one was more violent than the other two. We get lots of bot blood, crushed heads, chest blasted open and chopped off limbs. Groovy!
T & A
After seeing so many angles of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley curves, as shot by Mr. Bay, its official, I now HAVE TO see Rosie Huntington-Whiteley naked in my bed.
TRANSFORMERS THE DARK OF THE MOON had a good script, varied and epic action sequences, some honest laughs, a solid cast, hot-assed eye candy in Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, a badass Leonard Nimoy, all kinds of STAR TREK 2 references and enough robot on robot violence to please! I wouldn’t call it a guilty pleasure, cause unlike some, I feel ZERO GUILT in digging an action driven audio/visual Sci-Fi extravaganza that gets off on going KABOOM! I like to have pure fun at the movies sometimes and really man, I have more severe things to feel guilty about in my everyday life. Granted, the thing was too damn long, sported some plot holes (that didn't bother me much to be honest) and further faithfulness to the cartoon would have been dope; but on the whole, I had a gnarly time with this one! If like me, TRANSFORMERS 2 was torture to ya, than this sequel should act as a Band-Aid and make up for it! I’m up for a Part 4! Are you?
Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman wrote the first two films

Corey Burton, who voiced Shockwave in the cartoon was offered the role, but he said no dice. WTF?

There is a Transformers: Dark of the Moon video game out there. Let me know if it's worth it!

Frank Welker voiced Shockwave here. He was of course the voice of Megatron in the OG cartoons.