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Awfully Good #49

3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain (1998)

Director: Sean McNamara
Stars: Hulk Hogan, Jim Varney, Loni Anderson

 

Is there a plot?

The mini ninjas are back and this time they have to team up with a TV action star to stop terrorists who have taken over a local theme park.

 

What's the damage?

I reviewed the first movie in the 3 NINJAS series a while back, but am skipping to the fourth one, mainly because the two in between are pretty much exactly the same flick as the first. HIGH NOON AT MEGA MOUNTAIN though, woo boy! Now here’s a sequel!


Hulk Hogan is subjected to his daughter’s latest album for the first time.

Obviously the game changer here is the presence of the always dependable Hulk Hogan. (Side note: Don’t worry readers; a review of SUBURBAN COMMANDO is forthcoming.) Unfortunately, Hogan is worthless here. He plays the tough yet friendly star of a Saturday morning kids show, but doesn’t share much screentime with the heroes to be of much help, and whenever he does pop in, he usually ends up getting mercilessly beaten. The other wattage of star power in MEGA MOUNTAIN is the late and great Jim “Ernest” Varney, as the creatively-named villain Lothar Zogg, and ex-Burt Reynolds flame Loni Anderson who stands around trying to look sultry and hot despite being well past her prime.


Pigeon justice; the bald man’s greatest natural enemy.

The villains may be lame, but their dastardly plot is even lamer. Let me get this straight, terrorist ninjas take over a theme park full of innocent hostages in exchange for ransom money…or else they threaten to turn up all the rides? That’s awesome. I wish ninjas would crank up the roller coasters when I ride them. I hear it goes all the way to 11.


Every pedophile’s dream.

Thankfully my favorite thing from the first movie is still somewhat intact in this entry: the fantastic Victor Wong and the absolutely ridiculous and dangerous things he makes his adolescent grandchildren do to train as ninjas. Here the film opens with them trying to complete an obstacle course that makes American Gladiators look like a preschool gym…twice (the second time in the dark). And then after they get the crap kicked out of them, he makes them go dig a well. God bless you, Grandpa Mori Tanaka.

 

"Best" Line

Watch Hulk Hogan give the best “NOOOOOOO!” since Darth Vader.


"Best" Parts

1) Raise your hand if you love watching kids get beat up. That’s what I thought.

 

2) If my name was Tum Tum, I’d probably be this mad too.

 

3) If peeing your pants is cool, this kid is Miles Davis.

 

Nudity Watch

That’s gross dude.

 

Enjoyableness Continuum:

Teach kids to fight armed men with guns! Buy this movie here!


Play Along at Home!

Take a shot or drink every time:

  • Hulk Hogan does the Dragon Fist.
  • Typing is unrealistic
  • A child gets injured

Double shot / Finish your drink whenever:

  • Someone pees their pants.

 

 

Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email and give him an excuse to drink.

Source: DVD Clinic
Tags: awfully good

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