Awfully Good: Joel Schumacher's D.C. Cab

Last Updated on July 30, 2021

Joel Schumaker got a lot of grief for being the guy that put nipples on Batman (much of which came from this column), but the late director had an impressively varied career outside of the Dark Knight, including his early film…

D.C. Cab (1983)

Director: Joel Schumacher
Stars: Adam Baldwin, Mr. T, Gary Busey

The misadventures of a motley crew of taxi drivers in the Nation's capital.

A lot of times in this column, we highlight hidden gems or films that were unfairly maligned in their time. D.C. CAB is probably not one of them.

It fizzled critically and commercially when it rolled out in 1983 and rightfully so. It has its moments here and there thanks to some memorable characters and lines (see the videos below), but much of the movie doesn't work. Sometimes it feels too childish to be an adult comedy, but the language and nudity make it not kid friendly either. However, if 80s cheese is your thing (with the casual racism and misogyny that entails), or you're just a Mr. T completist, it might be a ride worth hailing.

When pitying fools doesn't actually pay the bills.

Written and directed by Joel Schumacher a couple years before he'd find success with ST. ELMO'S FIRE and THE LOST BOYS, D.C. CAB follows the adventures of a group of misfit taxi drivers who would rather spend the work day dicking around and playing games than do their actual job. Things like turning their cabs in to a makeshift male strip club, playing chicken on train tracks with their vehicles, and…putting on scary masks and hunting each other at night like something out of a horror movie? If I had to describe it for modern audiences: it's like SUPER TROOPERS, but with cab drivers.

One of its more immediate charms is the fact that the film boasts possibly the oddest cast of the 1980s. Mr. T is the most recognizable star and used in most of the promotional material, but his role is a supporting one, pretty much playing himself—a uniquely dressed tough guy with a heart of gold, doing what he can to help his community. The lead protagonist is instead one time bodyguard and space mercenary Adam Baldwin, who plays a rookie cab driver learning the ropes and getting to know the crazy crew.

Everyone gathered with baited breath in the hopes that Gary would go spiccato on this bitch. (Hell yeah, that's a classical violin joke.)

In addition to B.A. Baracus, Baldwin's coworkers include an already-unhinged Gary Busey (whose character exists solely to make crude jokes about "intestinal yoga" and women having "half the money and all the pussy"), bodybuilding twins The Barbarian Brothers, comedian Paul Rodriguez, Night Court's Marsha Warfield, and Bill Maher as a pseudo-intellectual cab driver who thinks he's smarter than everyone else.

In spite of the bigger star power, the strongest role goes to late comedian Charlie Barnett, whose struggling, angry-at-the-world Tyrone steals the show. Barnett gets some of the best lines, most of which seem like they were ad-libbed, but he is also occasionally gifted with an actual backstory that makes his character more compelling to watch, in addition to being genuinelly funny. It honestly feels like a role made for a young Eddie Murphy in the 80s, which is ironic since the story is that Barnett turned down the gig at Saturday Night Live that eventually went to Murphy.

"This movie is 3D as shit!"

D.C. CAB is fast paced and colorful enough to be entertaining, but it desperately flounders searching for a plot to drive it. Instead of a single narrative to follow, you get a million different subplots, to the point where it feels like this was meant to be a season of television that they ended up truncating in to a feature film. Some of the many stories include:

Adam Baldwin trying to get his license and become a cab driver just like his dead dad. He constantly gives inspirational speeches attempting to convince everyone that they're a family and should stick together, even though they would all probably be better off finding other jobs. He also gets a romantic subplot that gets about three minutes of screentime.
Mr. T's tireless journey to keep his teenage niece out of the clutches of an evil pimp who's taking over the neighborhood and corrupting the youth. This story ends when Mr. T. tricks out his cab so much that it blows away the pimp's lavish ride and convinces all the young sex workers to abandon him and become cab drivers instead.
A female cab driver's fight to stop a masked robber from holding her up at gunpoint every day, which most of her male coworkers don't believe is a big deal.

It was not the threesome he intended when he left the house that day, but it was one that Randy would never forget.

The owner of D.C. Cab trying to keep both the company and his marriage afloat, all while dealing with a rival taxi service and a slimy bureaucrat who keeps trying to shut them down.
The search for a lost violin that comes with a $10,000 reward. Everyone acts as if this ten grand, split up amongst everyone, will be enough to make them all rich and quit their jobs. Even adjusting for inflation, I don't think that's true.
The most mind-boggling story decision comes an hour and six minutes in to the film, when it introduces a brand new subplot that sees a cab driver and two children from a D.C. embassy kidnapped by a group of criminals we've never seen before. This hijacks (pun intended) the entire final third of the movie in the most random way possible, where the police close the cab company assuming they were involved in some way and the drivers decide they need to personally solve the crime and set out on a rescue mission to take on the heavily-armed kidnappers themselves. (I won't spoil the ending, but let's just say the credits roll over the capital city of the United States of America throwing the cab company a parade on Constitution Avenue next to all the monuments.)

Harry Potter and Hermione wait outside Hogwarts to throw eggs at J.K. Rowling.

Also surprising is the fact that this ensemble comedy full of vulgar humor and hijinks actually features somewhat of an unexpected discussion on race, highlighting the racial tension and economic disparity in Washington D.C. in ways that feel very relevant today. At one point a cab is robbed by a white guy, but when the police show up they of course immediately arrest and detain the black driver. Characters "joke" about other mistreatment by the authorities, including cops lacing their bullets with PCP so the drug will be in their system as an alibi when they get shot. And Gary Busey suggests that they should treat their black coworkers with respect and dignity, not because it's the right thing to do, but so the white cab drivers will be on their good side when they eventually rise up and revolt against racist society.

It's not a big part of the film, nor is it handled with particular finesse (including a number of times where Gary Busey unsettlingly uses the N-word ), but I was still surprised to encounter it in D.C. CAB nonetheless. Even if it's a bit of a muddled mess, much like the rest of the movie, kudos to Shcumacher for trying to work in a teeny bit of substance in to an otherwise zany, forgettable comedy.

[insert political subliminal messaging]