Last Updated on August 3, 2021
1. BATMAN & ROBIN
Imagine a world where this is the single greatest representation of Mr. Freeze that could ever be created. Now look to the right. See the drunk-as-shit asshole on his Harley doing doughnuts at the Neil Diamond concert? That’s my dad. This is HIS world. Arnold Schwarzenegger has dibs on any and all film roles, Marilyn Monroe is only dead when he wants her to be (Tuesdays & Thursdays – bowling nights), and bologna does, in fact, grow on trees. It’s not such a bad place once you get used to it. Fonzie lives there.
2. WILD WILD WEST
My dad loves a good western. Or a pathetically horrid one. Seriously, throw a couple spurs, a tumble-weed, and some sort of horse shenanigans at him and you’ve got some top-shelf drama. Plot means nothing to the man. Show him a gigantic mechanical spider robot and he’ll still be wondering why the black guy is wearing a cowboy hat.
3. BALLISTIC: ECKS VS. SEVER
It only takes one great performance/movie to convince my dad of a particular actor’s greatness. This has held true for years for the likes of Bruce, Arnold, Sly, Burt, and Clint. And by the time the credits rolled in DESPERADO, Antonio Bandaras had proven he could never do anything wrong for as long as he shall live. So even in a film like this, where A-Ban does absolutely nothing right, my dad refuses to call him out on his horseshittiness
4. INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL
My father sat right next to me in the theater on opening night for RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. Our love for that film has always been a topic of conversation through the years. He had always referred to it as his “best movie” (whatever that means, for a while I thought he was an executive producer or some shit). Personally, it has never left the top 5 in my favorite films of all time. So, you can imagine the stinging sensation that attacked many areas of my brain when he told me Crystal Skull “was the best Indy yet.” This is why, to this day, he’s only allowed to spend time with 2 of my 3 children.
5. BARB WIRE
You can’t blame him here. The first 3 times I watched this film I had no idea how bad it was. I had no idea what it was even about. Why would I watch this film 3 times? Pam Anderson really missed out on the reality television boom. She would have killed. Think about this – Pam Anderson has more talent than Kim Kardashian in every aspect of entertainment. Every single one.
6. THE OCTAGON
You ever spew those Chuck Norris jokes at somebody and they don’t get it? This is my dad. If he ever figured out people were actually making fun of Chuck he would be crushed. I’m certain my dad styles his chest hair after the man. It’s a virtually perfect man-mane.
7. CITY HEAT
I’ll always remember how pumped he was for this film. It rubbed off on me too. “Clint AND Burt? Are you kidding me? This is going to be amazing! Go get me a beer.” I was running down the aisle by the time he got through with me. Thirty minutes into the film and I hated Clint, Burt, and my dad.
8. JUDGE DREDD
There’s no way he’s not going to love this shit. Watching Stallone deliver the line “I AM THE LAW!” might just be the highlight of his life. I’m pretty sure he used that line in his next twelve bar fights. If you haven’t got the joke yet, our last name is Law. Grow up.
9. SUDDEN DEATH
There are few things wrong with this film in my dad’s eyes. Van Damme plays hockey. Van Damme beats up a bunch of shitheads. Van Damme saves the day. The only thing that could have made it better would have been the inclusion of the Red Wings in the Stanley Cup Finals. Then – greatest movie of all time.
10. VAN HELSING
There’s a lot of trickery going on in this film that messes with my dad’s mind. Modern day weapons that look ancient? Rock star Wolverine killing vampires? Kate Beckinsale’s chest crevice? It all seems so awesome. At the end of the day though I’m pretty sure it’s the long leather jacket. Seriously.
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