The Ten Spot: 10 Awful Re-Imagined Movie Characters

I don't hate remakes. There's plenty of decent ones to go around. I do hate the phrase "re-imagining". There's just some sort of smug undertone to it that says "I have a better way of telling someone else's story". Look, if you have such a unique vision on things go make your own fucking movie. Screwing up memorable characters is the worst part of the whole process. which is why we're here. I stuck strictly to movie-to-movie roles. Breaking down television characters brought to the big screen is a whole different battle.

1. Godzilla - GODZILLA

I'm like a broken record when it comes to this fucking movie. Still, if I can save one more soul from seeing this pile of shit with each paragraph I write, it's worth it. Let's just cut to it - Godzilla is a prehistoric monster with dinosaur origins NOT a super charged iguana. Godzilla doesn't burrow underground from pesky helicopters and fall for sneaky "fish traps" in the middle of Manhattan. Godzilla does not die by getting tangled in bridge cables and ripping off the end of KING KONG. Godzilla does not have Reese Weatherspoon's chin.

2. Edward Malus - THE WICKER MAN

This is sort of like replacing Marlon Brando in THE GODFATHER with Krusty the Clown. I'll never know if this is truly supposed to be a comedy but I haven't laughed this hard for the better part of three decades. And yes, I realize the characters have different names therefore making them two separate roles but I imagine that's only because the original filmmakers saw a cut of the remake and made them change the name.

3. Dr. Loomis - HALLOWEEN 2

I could have went with the aforementioned Laurie Strode here and the white-trash version of her Rob Zombie delivered but I'd rather stick to what he did to the heart and sole of the entire franchise. Loomis was the glue that held these films together. As bad as they got, fans had the comfort of knowing the great Donald Pleasence was there to make us feel at home. So when you take Michael Myers' archenemy, the ultimate good to his ultimate evil, and turn him into a greedy douchebag publicist whore, you've got to know you suck. Weird Al knows what I'm sayin'.


There's something special about the original Medusa. Her creepy stop-motion slithering, the face that looks like it's carved out of brick, and those eyes...... those ridiculously awful eyes that haunt my dreams. The re-imagined Medusa is kind of hot. WTF? Her movements remind me of a video game monster. She's so silky smooth and alluring, which kind of makes sense, I guess. Still, I'd rather be creeped out by her than want to make sweet love to her.

5. Inspector Clouseau - THE PINK PANTHER

The unique humor of Peter Sellers basically defined the Clouseau character. Steve Martin simply makes him a more functional version of the retard he played in DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS (great film, BTW). It's like he's trying so hard to be Sellers he actually forgot to add any defining vision to the actual character.


Imagine if that new MUPPET MOVIE last year replaced all the puppets with little CGI assholes jumping around doing spin moves over and over. I understand Yoda, at some point in his life, could kick some major ass, and the fact that it took Lucasfilm sized computers to make him look so blurry while doing so. Why use those same computers to show him sitting on his ass? There was a lovable comfort to the clumpy Yoda puppet that's lost when you look really close at digitally enhanced Yoda. I don't know if any of this makes any sense to anybody else.

7. Peter Vincent - FRIGHT NIGHT

I generally had a good time with this film but the changes they made with the original`s most interesting character. Why go from a local horror icon who`s trying to keep his career alive by portraying a vampire hunter to a gigantic dick-bag goth magician? That cool factor they were looking to hit was missed by a few miles.


Fact - The remake of THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO, and Rooney Mara's great performance within, has everything to do with this role. She has to know how bad she was here, right? Nancy is of genre hero legend, rightfully placed on a pedestal next to Laurie Strode. Mara shows up and basically sleepwalks (you'll take that pun and like it, bitch!) through the entire film.

9. Arthur - ARTHUR

I dare somebody to justify Russell Brand's entertainment value to me. Have you seen his new TV show where he just stands on a stage spews douche-juice all over a hand-picked audience? It's subconsciously-slam-yourself-in-the-face-with-a-hammer bad. So when you replace Dudley Moore, one of the funniest, fun-loving actors ever, with this asshole and you've got....... nothing.

10. Paul Crewe - THE LONGEST YARD

You know who is this generation's 1970's Burt Reynolds? Nobody. Specifically not Adam Sandler. In fact, if I were to make a list of actors to fill the shoes of 1970's Burt Reynolds (and I might, don't test me), Adam Sandler wouldn't crack the top 100. Gross.
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