The Ten Spot: The 5 Best & Worst Things About The Original Spider-Man Trilogy

June 29th 2012, 10:06pm

Last Updated on August 5, 2021

There are many, MANY mediocre/decent things about the original Spidey movies. The suit (slick from a distance yet dorky when intimate with it’s air-brushed on abs), Harry Osborn (except when he loses his memory in part 3 and becomes a retard), Aunt May and Uncle Ben, the special effects, the score, and, of course, the Bruce Campbell cameos. I’m here to share what I absolutely loved and what I passionately hated about the films. Here’s hoping THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN has more hits than misses next weekend. Let’s start with the best.

Worst: Mary Jane Watson

What a miserable bitch. By the time she loses it on Peter in part 3 because every conversation isn’t about her and Gwen Stacey gave him “our kiss”, Spider-Man had saved her life single handedly no less than 3 times. Not to mention the hundreds of other people he saved while you worked on your lines. There’s no doubt in my mind that she is the worst thing about these films. Every one of them ends with her dumb ass getting taken hostage and relentlessly screaming for 20 minutes. She keeps a boyfriend no longer than 4 scenes in any movie, can’t sing worth shit, and freaks me out when she smiles. Bring on Gwen.

Worst: The Green Goblin’s Costume

There are a lot of things I like about Gobby. Willam Dafoe does a pretty good job ad Norman Osborn. The glider is cool enough, as are the pumpkin bombs and his overall evilness. So what the fuck happened with his wardrobe? When you can walk into any Halloween store in the world and find a cooler outfit than the one you’ve picked for your main villain, you are not spending your budget properly.

Worst: Dancing Emo Douchebag Peter Parker

You can probably tell by now but I despise SPIDER-MAN 3. Simply put – this is one of the most painfully embarrassing sequences of cinema I have ever sat through. Just wretched on every level. It’s not funny, goofy, silly, playful, or cute. It’s fucking stupid, and we are all stupider for having watched it.

Worst: Venom/Eddie Brock

If Todd McFarlane happened to bring a loaded gun to his screening of this film, how many people would have died? Topher Grace? Why did he even audition for the part? Why does he have fangs? Why are they compressing his entire story-line into 9 minutes of screen time in a film that is over 2 hours and 10 minutes? There’s so many ridiculously stupid questions about this whole disaster. Yes, I know Raimi didn’t want to include the character and was basically forced to use him by the studio. So why take it out on the fans? Does making your movie one long shitty joke prove a point in Hollywood? I guess.

Worst: Organic Web-Shooters

I kind of got used to this in the first film. In the second film though this idea was directly responsible for the downfall of the series. Let me explain. The worst plot line in part 2 was Peter losing his powers because he wasn’t focused enough (seriously?). This led to him quitting the Spider-Man dealio. This led to the ‘Raindrops Falling On My Head’ musical sequence. This led to the craptastic emo douchbaggery musical sequence of the third movie (much more on this later). This is all so dumb. We know this has been righted in the re-boot and has already given us one of the coolest scenes of the trailers. We also know spiders don`t shoot webs out of their limbs. They shoot them out of their bums. I would have been okay with this.

Best: Doctor Octopus

The character as a whole is fantastic. More specifically, the scene above is where, as the kids say, shit got real with this series. The Gobby fight was brutal and hardcore but the surgery scene in SPIDER-MAN 2 was everything I ever expected from Sam Raimi in directing a Spider-Man film. It’s scary, violent, perfectly filmed, and I always appreciate a nod to THE EVIL DEAD films in any shape or form. I honestly believe this is the best moment in all three films. What of it?

Best: J. Jonah Jameson

Nobody nails their character better than J. K. Simmons. It’s literally the comic book come to life, only funnier. In a franchise filled with bigger than life characters, this is the only one I can’t picture being played by someone else. Ever.

Best: The Final Green Goblin Fight

No one-liners. No over-the-top CGI (silly back flip aside), No fucking around. Gobby and Spidey throw hands like champs in this scene and it brings a realism to the film that was sorely missing throughout. As long as you can get past that stupid mask you can sit back and enjoy one of the best superhero fights of all time.

Best: The Origin Story

Sure, there are some details that are passed over without blinking (making the suit, for one) but when it come to telling the beginning of Spidey, Raimi seemed to take careful pride in getting all the details spot-on. Now, it all goes to shit in part 3 when he basically destroys everything he accomplished here by throwing Sandman in the mix, but the effort was there. For a while anyway. The wrestling match is fun. His first swing about town is cool. The fight with Flash still holds up. It’s all very….. spectacular. BOOM!

Best: Mary Jane’s Rack

MAry Jane is a saucy bitch in (most) of the comics so it was cool of them to give her more than enough sex appeal. It’s a little awkward watching the rain scene with my kids but I appreciate it nonetheless. You notice how the boobs disappear the deeper into the series we go? Bullshit. As I’ll explain later, this was M.J.’s one redeeming factor. Peter had hit the jackpot, and then she changer her contract.