Last Updated on August 5, 2021
1. Ann Darrow – KING KONG
Thank God there wasn’t a sex scene in this script. Imagine that, Ann gets to page 70 and reads “Ann takes the monster into her mouth. She is then mounted from behind and buried in a tidal wave of semen” And then bugs eat her face. While naked. This movie could have been even better. Fay Wray was hot.
2. Peter Vincent – FRIGHT NIGHT
Pretty high rank for Pete, but he deserves it. The guy doesn’t get any quality roles any more so he starts his own TV show where he hosts his own films to a new generation of fanboys. They want to pull the plug on that shit so he grabs his bag of props and decides he’s going to kill real vampires instead. It’s like if Steven Segal became a real cop. Wait….
4. Dusty, Lucky, & Ned – THREE AMIGOS!
Why do they get the higher spot than GALAXY QUEST when it’s basically the same film? Hold on, let me ask my blueberry lemonade vodka cooler…… Because they did it first and Chevy Chase and Steve Martin in their comedic prime will trump Tim Allen any day of the week. Unless he really is Buzz Lightyear.
3. Margo – ALL ABOUT EVE
Dealing with that little bitch, Eve, was the least of Margo’s talents. She was as graceful as she was talented and had eyes like painted ping-pong balls. You ever wonder if there are movies that are just simply too good to remake? There is, and this is near the top of that list. I implore you to check it out before you die. Which, I heard, is next Tuesday.
5. Kirk Lazarus – TROPIC THUNDER
I’m not quite sure what percentage of this role is hilarious and what percentage is racist. Was he eligible for an award from the African American Film Critics Association? Was that question racist? I’m just going to stop.
6. Michael Dorsey – TOOTSIE
Aside from being the ugliest woman in the world, Mike stopped at nothing to get a role on this soap opera. Bravo, sir. I would have got fired the first time I tucked my junk back too far and ended up sitting on one of my nuts.
7. Chris MacNeil – THE EXORCIST
You know how hard it is to get through that desk full of scripts when your daughter is in the next room slaughtering her vagina with a crucifix? Very hard. God help her. HA!
8. Hannah Gill – THE TRUMAN SHOW
So many things could have went wrong with this TV show. What if Truman turned out to be a pedophile? How do you cast for those roles? Hannah gave all she had to this character, including her cherry. Is she considered a part-time porn actress for having sex on screen? I know it was actually off screen (this was a family program, dammit!) but what if Truman got drunk and forced her to give him a hummer before the camera guys knew what was happening? So many questions.
9. Alan Swann – MY FAVORITE YEAR
Drunk Thespians are the best. I wish we had a present day real life dude like this. He just shows up to the Golden Globes every year shit-faced and spends half the night waving his dick in Meryl Streep’s face and slapping children. I vote for Ian McKellen.
10. Martin Weir – GET SHORTY
I find it difficult to go back and watch Danny DeVito in any semi-serious roles he has. Watch this movie and then watch 10 seconds of ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’ and you start to wonder when he had a large part of his brain destroyed by the crack-rock. I love him.
11. The Cast of Galaxy Quest – GALAXY QUEST
I wanted to just pick one of them but soon realized there was no way to make that decision. This is a quality cast portraying a quality cast. You might argue they should be higher because they saved the world and all. You might be right.
12. Roger Rabbit & Baby Herman – WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT
I included both here but I’m leaning more towards Baby Herman to be honest. His skills at the beginning of this movie are incredible. Roger was just being Roger – Baby was channelling his inner child until the director yelled “Cut!” and then he was slapping cootch and belting hootch all the way to his trailer.
Honorable Mention: Dirk Diggler – BOOGIE NIGHTS
Wasn’t the mega star we had all hoped he’d turn out to be but Dirk deserved a mention here for trying to widen his artistic talent. There’s a market for X-rated action porn, we just need all the right tools to fall into place. Big cocks, slutty sluts, and karate fights, all surrounded by giant explosions and more sluts.
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