Top 10 Favorite Movie Drunk Chicks

Drunk women always seem to be a lot more work than drunk dudes. That's why I love watching them in movies, where they can't bother me with their exaggerated fountains of puke and teardrops. Keep them at a safe distance and I can watch their stupid shit all night long. This partly explains my recent 'Jersey Shore' fascination. Is it ironic that I got shit-faced while writing this and dropped my iPod in the toilet? While pissing? Maybe, but at least I didn't cry about it. Much.

1. Marion Ravenwood - RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK

Before this character was absolutely butchered in KINGDOM OF THE HELPER MONKEYS she owned a sweet-ass bar where she drank big burly foreign men under the table and took their money as she rolled their giant pussies out the door. When Indiana Jones showed up for a piece she punched him the face for being an asshole and fucked a donkey right in front of him (deleted scene). She did all this and laughed as she pounded another shot.

2. Caroline Mulford - SIXTEEN CANDLES

Probably the most realistic drunk chick on the list since I've seen this scene played out dozens of times of the years. And it was usually my girlfriend (of the moment) reacting to the fact that I wanted to go down on the ugliest redheaded bitch in the room.


I'm raising my daughter as an Amish woman. There's way less a chance she drinks herself slutty and fucks an entire football team that way. Call me foolish if you will but I've done the research. And I like butter.


This is why I thank Jebus my dating-scene days are well behind me. I mean, look at that hat, it's awful. Seriously though, every single woman in her mid-thirties or over is exactly like this. It's weird.


You think it bothers Anna Faris that her characters are always dumb as shit? Midgets get typecast less. Brandi is the perfect girl to bring home to your mother, if your mother is a raging alcoholic. They'll either love each other or fight to the death. All you gotta do is bring the Tequila Rose.

6. Monica - 200 CIGARETTES

Monica's whole storyline in this film is fantastic. The fact that she gets plastered and misses most of it is even better. I once threw a New Year's Eve party and got drunk because nobody showed up. When I woke up I realized it was December 27th.

7. Jenny - EUROTRIP

You wanna be a hero and pound absinthe from the bottle? Then don't bitch when you make out with your brother on the dance floor. In fact, thank Christ you're out in public and nowhere near a bed, you crazy slut. I'm pretty sure someone slipped this to me one night at Harpos in Michigan. The thing I woke up next to in the morning was all the proof I needed. My friends suck.

8. Penny Lane - ALMOST FAMOUS

There are definitely some other factors at work for Penny here but no matter how many pills she pops during the night, you'll always find her sucking on the knob-end of a glass bottle by sunrise. I'm beginning to think drunk chicks hate bras.

9. Clorette DePasto - ANIMAL HOUSE

Now this is more the the drunk girls I grew up with - a bra full of tissues and the tolerance of an eight-year-old. Just when you're about to get some action she blacks out like she was hit by a train. Then the little Angel and Devil show up to teach you the dos and donts of rape. All in all, it's a riot.

10. Terry Ann Wolfmeyer - THE UPSIDE OF ANGER

Not your traditional drunk chick but pretty hilarious none-the-less. We can all only wish we were this sophisticated, witty, and conscious when we drown our sorrows. I once saw an older woman get drunk and punch a dog in the face. Terry Ann would not approve.

Dishonorable Mention: Caroline - NICK AND NORA'S INFINITE PLAYLIST

Remember when I said as long as they're in the movies they wouldn't bother me? Well, this chick bothered me. A lot. It's like having way too much of a good thing. There's an entire sub-plot going on with this woman that feels like it scratching my eyeballs out every time she appears on screen. Thus, our very first dishonorable mention. Yay.

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