Review: Sorority Row

Sorority Row
3 10

PLOT: After an innocent prank gets deadly, a group of Theta Pi girls vow to keep it a secret. Sadly, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Sarah Michelle Geller do not show up to save the day. So the lovely ladies go on with their lives and try and forget exactly what happened eight months ago. But when they start getting some scary text messages, they realize trouble is on its way. And soon, someone in a graduation robe with a pimped out tire iron will take revenge on the sorority sisters and their friends, all the while, the bitchy girl constantly makes annoyingly bad jokes.

REVIEW: I remember hearing about the remake of HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW. The original was a cheap little horror flick from 1983 that was part of the “dead teenager” sub-genre. Low budget horror movies picked up by a big studio that made a ton of bucks. People were hungry for these flicks, and while I did enjoy the original film, it is not necessarily a favorite of mine. So when the remake was announced, I thought it might work, after all, it seemed like they could certainly improve if they tried. Boy was I wrong. The first problem I had with SORORITY ROW (I guess the House part wasn’t necessary) was that it felt as it were making fun of horror fans. More dumb then clever, and never as witty as it attempted to be, it almost seemed as if the studio just figured audiences would be fine with simply tits and a couple of semi-gory murders. But the logic and the scares are completely absent. Sure, horror movies tend to be illogical, but this was just utterly ridiculous.

It all begins with a prank that goes horribly wrong… well, maybe not since the character of Megan (Audrina Patridge) who gets killed during the prank is so bland. Honestly, this character is so pathetically bitchy, as is almost the entire cast, that you have a hard time feeling any sympathy for anybody. Much like the lame slasher VALENTINE, I just didn’t care at all. And seemingly, neither did the one likable gal in the whole film. Briana Evigan stands out as the one person who thinks doing the right thing might not get them an “I Know What You Did Last School Year” reminder down the road. But even she gives in to peer pressure due to threats from head bitch Jessica (Leah Pipes) who couldn’t die fast enough. And then there is Rumer Willis as Ellie. There was a moment near the end of the film where she finally developed personality, besides the brainy chick that cries a lot. She finally gets to play with the big boys and it was a relief. The constant crying and whining she does throughout, while done for comic effect, is not at all funny… just annoying.

Sure the plot is formulaic, I didn’t necessarily mind that. Seriously, those of us who like slasher films are not looking for deeper meaning in why the knife wielding maniac uses a butcher’s knife, machete, or in this case, a pimped out tire iron. But with this Sorority Row, I was left with the sense that it wasn’t made for fans of the genre. I’ve read reviews that claim it is sleazy and misogynistic, but since when is that news? So really, I didn’t mind that either. I did however mind that it seemed to try so hard to bring back the Nineties horror vibe with SCREAM, I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER and URBAN LEGEND, but it failed miserably. After all, Scream, arguably the best of these films, managed to slaughter up the chills and thrills, but it was really funny. The humor in Row is just dull and constantly pulled me out of the picture. When Jessica, the worst offender with “funny” dialogue offers up that a corpse they run into doesn’t look too good, it was met with mostly groans and possibly one guy laughing.

Now, when you present a horror film as a mystery, it can be a tricky thing. First off, guys and gals that watch a ton of horror can oftentimes pick out a red herring faster than you can say, “I’ll be right back…” And as I was watching this film, the second the killer arrived on screen, I figured it out. It is so blatantly obvious thanks in part to the dialogue, that I was just waiting for the big reveal. Once that came, I found myself shaking my head in disbelief. And right before we find out the asinine reason, we are presented with one more red herring that is just beyond bad. Why the hell is this person acting like this? And the answer seems to simply be… because they wanted to trick the audience in a blatant and insulting way. So aside from a likable Brianna Evigan and a fun performance from Carrie Fisher that belonged in a better movie, there was little to keep me interested in the girls of Theta Pi. I don’t know about you, but I think that Sorority Row would have made a better Playboy spread instead of another bad remake. My rating 3/10 -- JimmyO

Source: JoBlo.com



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