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ARROW IN THE HEAD REVIEWS

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Seventh Son (2015)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Sergey Bodrov

Starring:
Jeff Bridges/ Master Gregory
Ben Barnes/Tom
Julianne Moore/ Mother Malkin
Alicia Vikander/Alice
5 10
PLOT-CRUNCH
A mumbling witch hunter (Jeff Bridges) finds a new apprentice (Ben Barnes) to fight the good fight with. He’s a seventh son of a seventh son hence is a psychic that can see the future. Together they try to stop witches who transform into CGI creatures from taking over the realm, kingdom, land... ya know...
THE LOWDOWN
Initially supposed to be released on February 15th of 2013 SEVENTH SON was delayed at first (to October 18, 2013) due to the FX house handling it going bankrupt. It was stalled again (to January 17, 2014) when Legendary Pictures and Warner Bros (who were supposed to be distributing the film) parted ways. It then was pushed one more time to right f-ing now. Personally, and I’m sure that the AITH news staff can attest to this; it feels like I’ve been hearing about the damn thing forever. So yeah, I’m in a tizzy that it finally hit the screens; so I can stop getting press releases about it. Question is though; was it worth the long ass wait?

Nope! You can carve SEVENTH SON (no relation to that badass Iron Maiden album and song) into the “could have been” bed post. Based on Joseph Delany's novel The Spook's Apprentice (titled The Last Apprentice: Revenge of the Witch in the US of A), which is the first instalment of The Wardstone Chronicles; if done right this sucka could have been the first film in a potentially exciting franchise. But like I said, “if done right” and that wasn’t the case here. Before I whip out my scalpel to slice this one open and show you its rotten innards; allow me to give it the props it deserves. The flick was so light and always on the move that it did result in being an effortless watch. No brain cells or energy what so ever were required here!

Moreover, some of the fight scenes were well choreographed and fun to watch and the mountain locations here coupled with the areal photography were stunning to say the least. Amidst all the CGI (more on that below) it was refreshing to see REAL locations being used. Gave the flick SOME cred and helped me digest the CG overload I was being put through. Finally; once I got used to his odd Bane meets Yoda meets General Custard performance; Jeff Bridges wound up being entertaining. He brought a few smiles to my face. He maybe would have provided more if I understood half the shit he was mumbling about. Subtitles or less marbles in Bridges mouth would have been swell. The rest of the cast got the job done too. Ben Barnes was all right, nothing more or less; Julianne Moore had an obvious blast with her villainous role while Alicia Vikander stole every scene she was in via her focused showcase and magnetic presence.

Bummer that all them positives were penetrated into such a lackluster holier than holies. I’m not sure if I should blame the screenwriters (all three of them) or the evil suit monkeys that maybe snuck into the editing room and overcooked this one – but talk about a choppy, by the numbers and undeveloped storyline. It truly felt like whatever meat there was here was shaved off in the name of having the “barely a story” be as simple as possible and just there to connect one CGI laced action scene to the next. A film of this ilk deserved better than that. Speaking of CGI, I’m still shitting and pissing CG as I write this crap. Any sense of wonder I could have had was nixed out by the bland (design wise) and overtly digital monsters found here. The more the merrier does not apply to CG guys. COME ON! And was it me or did the sets look cheap and the production designs half cocked? You tell me! I also can start barking about the forced love story or the shite that made no sense (like a witch dying from a non fatal knife injury) but you know what? Enough jabbing… you get the picture.

Taking into account the source material and the fine cast they assembled (Kit Harington, Djimon Hounsou, Olivia Williams and the elusive Jason Scott Lee were in the house too), SEVENTH SON could have been a well-rounded fantasy/horror epic, one with series potential Alas, we got a waif thin, fast paced and brainless “nurse that hangover movie” instead.
GORE
Dry stabbings and impalings.
T & A
We get some witch cleavage and Alicia Vikander taking a night swim in her clothes… yeah…
BOTTOM LINE
I feel bad for SEVENTH SON. From the outside, it looks like everybody put their best foot forward. I mean the production cost alone for this one (not counting PnA) was 95 Million i.e. they had faith in it at some point. But bad joo-joo happened and we were left with this half–baked result, dumped at the side of the curb. Although clipped paced with a strong cast, cool fights, a couple of laughs and “some” visually striking locations; SEVENTH SON wound up being too light, choppy, CGI heavy and too connect the duh dots for it to leave a lasting impression on my simpleton self. It’s not worth your big screen coin and no the Post Conversion 3D didn’t make my sit down any better. It is an ideal flick to watch on a Sunday morning while recovering from a HARD night of partying though. Full on fluff! Or you can just not tap it at all. You’re not missing anything…
BULL'S EYE
Kit Harington fans don’t bother, he’s in the film for like 10 minutes.

Alex Pettyfer and Jennifer Lawrence were both the first chocies for Tom and Alice.

Tom is 12 years old in the book.

Alicia Vikander will next be seen in Alex Garland’s Ex-Machina!
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