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Shark Night(2011)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: David R Ellis

Starring:
Sara Paxton/Sara
Dustin Milligan/Nick
Joel David Moore/Gordon
Joshua Leonard/Red
5 10
PLOT-CRUNCH
Young adults go to party at a cabin on a lake because one dude got a B on his test (am not making this up). They don't get drunk, don't get laid and find themselves having to deal with something that is hungry for flesh!
THE LOWDOWN
I groove to David Ellis as a director he has a flair for “fun times” and usually delivers when it comes to a smooth pace, stylish shots and eye popping stunts. His stuntman/stunt coordinator back ground serves him well in the latter department that’s for damn sure! Final Destination 2, Final Destination 4 (bad movie, great stunts) Snakes on a Plane and Cellular can attest to that.

Now when the studio started pimping his latest “Party Mix for Cats” SHARK NIGHT; my jockeys got tighter. Then I learned it was PG-13 and they went back to slack and relax, giving the dragon room to breathe again (wtf am I talking about…I have no idea). I am very much aware that you can make a solid horror movie with no melons or ketchup in it i.e. with a PG 13 rating tagged to its ass. But some TYPES of horror films begs for them (like slashers); and I thought SHARK NIGHT was one of them. Now that I’ve seen the thing; I realize that I had it wrong all along; this was not supposed to be a boobies and blood movie; but an IQ challenged and connect the dots genre flick aimed at young teens that haven’t seen many horror movies. Silly f*cking me.

SHARK NIGHT wound being “okay”. I saw it once and will never see it again. It had an able cast (will Joel David Moore ever play another role than the one he tackled in Hatchet though?) that didn’t grate me too much and that actually went beyond their stereotypes when the fin started to hit the water. I really liked Sara Paxton, Joshua Leonard (nice to see him again) and Sinqua “will go places” Walls in this. The latter was actually a breath of fresh air in the sense that he was just a cool black guy as opposed to Hollywood’s usual “blang blang’ rendition of a black dude. THANK YOU! Yes, I grew to like some of the peeps here; but not enough to want any of them to be spared by the evil that lurks beneath the water. On top of that, the ladies looked yum (Alyssa Diaz was soooo fine), the 3D was pretty trippy during the underwater bits (other than that, meh), the CGI sharks were efficient and the cinematography sharp. On his end, Ellis rotated this one’s tires well. He bazooka-ed my way some well staged/executed action scenes, a highly esteemed (by me that is) knack at doing close ups of girls asses and (backed by the editing) an easy pace. Shit they even used the fast motion gimmick a couple of times to get the pleasantries out of the way and get to the goods ASAP. Bitch was in a hurry! Too bad it didn't stop for a tit shot... but I digress. And what about them goods you may ask?

One EPIC shark jumps on “I won’t tell” money shot aside; the stalk and kill bits here were serviceable at best. Suspense was on the low jive and the set pieces didn’t last long enough to fully satisfy me. And yes the lack of gore was felt. The kills here were like hearing a joke without punch lines. Peeps would die and I’d be like “Okay, that’s it? Next…I guess”. They didn’t do much for me; the wow factor was mucho lacking. To make matters worse; ya see; this was more than a killer shark splashing about in a lake movie looking for cheeks to chew on, it was also playing another game, a see through, yawn inducing, lamo game. And that’s where, in my soulless opinion, the flick shot itself in the tail severely. I figured out what was going on fairly early and when I found out WHY it was going on; I almost vomited my Popcorn back in its bag. The WHY was not only plot hole laced, it was simply freaking idiotic. Like a bad Scoobi-Doo episode but with a wannabe edge. Sigh. Finally the whole thing took itself way too seriously for its own good, specially when you take into account its ludicrous premise and the dialogue had a tendency of being over–written. Too poseur hipster to be fully credible. I checked under my seat, no barf bags, so ya guessed it, back to the Popcorn bag I went!

All in all, much like me on a typical Saturday night, SHARK NIGHT came and went. I didn’t blow my brains out while watching it, but I didn’t pop a boner either. An effortless sit down yes... but with no balls and no bite.
GORE
We get lots blood in the water and a severed arm and…that’s it. There’s more blood in Lady Gaga’s STD ridden twat then there was in this movie.
T & A
We get chicks in bikinis, a side boob shot and the ladies get some dude’s naked ass. I guess a guy's butt is all good for PG 13 but not dames. Me no comprende patrone!
BOTTOM LINE
SHARK NIGHT was watchable. Well shot, decent cast, cool underwater 3D, nifty CG sharks and a couple of tight action bits. But it lacked gore (which rendered the kills fairly impotent), the HOW was see through and the WHY behind it all was too moronic for me to buy or give a shit about. Moreover, the action was too swift, scares were seldom and so was the tension. I say see it on DVD (drunk off your ass while getting head), it will go down better that way. Or better yet watch the Piranha redo instead if ya crave underwater thrills with spills and ta-tas. We're done here? Yeah...we're done...
BULL'S EYE
The flick had a budget of $28,000,000

Director David Ellis wanted to release the film as "Untitled 3D Shark Thriller"

Alyssa Diaz will also be in the Red Dawn remake.

There's a surprise after the end credits.
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