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TIFF SAYZ: Hey kids! Welcome to my every other week/bi monthly column. I give you a warning now-If you are looking for bullshit advice go read Dear Abby. This here is a REAL advice/question column to be taken very very very seriously. A whole 3 minutes of thought are put in to each and every one of your very important questions. That being said I love you all for reading, now sit back, smoke a lil reefer and try to learn something. GOD BLESS!
Steven S asks: Every month me and a few buddies get together to have a Horror movie Drink-a-thon. This basically means, we watch ONE horror movie we haven’t seen and every time someone or some thing dies in it, we do a shot of hard liquor. Can you recommend us a movie for such a glorious monthly occasion?
Sure, we can say dumb things like all the “Dead” movies, but do zombies really count in this situation? Then, finding ones that you horror nerds have not seen is super-super hard so with that being said, how about “I Hate You”, Steven S? Oh and I hope you choke while doing your l’il super fun game that I secretly wish I was invited to.
If you’re going for more of an action/horror movie, I would have to say Troma’s “War”, “Return To Horror High” and not because of the insanely large body count, but because you get to do triple shots for The Cloon-ster biting it. “Punk Rock Holocaust”, cause…why not? “Battle Royale” cause it’s like the best movie EVER!! “Laid 2 Rest” because I think it had 9 or 10 that’ll get ya pretty sloshy.
Then, of course….“Bambi”! Yes, the animated Disney one cause watching l’il Bambi’s sweet deer mom die BLOWS, so you can kill a bottle right there and then maybe d something else with the rest of your night. Runners up: “My Bloody Valentine 3D” and “Feast”.
Slchorror asks: You’ve done a vast number of films in your career– after viewing the finished products, which flicks do you think are you favorites? Ones that stick out in my mind are “Abominable” and “The Hazing.”
Hey Slchorror! I was a big fan of both “The Hazing” and “Abominable” as well. I dug “The Hazing” because Brad Dourif is DOPE and anybody that has seen “Abominable” knows that I have hands-down, the best death in that movie! I really dug “Nightmare Man” as well because I get raped by an invisible demon. And really…come on, what l’il girl doesn’t dream of that?!! “Bonnie and Clyde vs. Dracula” is another fav of mine. It’s not out yet, but its pretty ninja.
I also enjoyed “The Legend Of Billy Jean”. I wasn’t in it, but since you took all my answers with your question, I really have nothing else to talk about. Next time, why don’t you write the damn column!?! 😉
Pierre M. asks: My girlfriend won’t do anal, she thinks it’s abnormal. How can I convince her otherwise?
Well Pierre, this is a tricky one that requires you to follow my advice word-for-word and step-by-step if you are looking for success down the anal canal.
Step 1: Get some cocktails in her. DO NOT get her fucked up!! You want to get her as close to the edge as possible without her falling in.
Step 2: If you haven’t told her you’re “in love” with her yet, try that now! Also, you NEED to lie and say you’ve never tried it before because you thought it was icky and gross but with HER…you want to experience everything and NOTHING is icky or gross with HER!
Step 3: Go downtown (I think you know what I mean). Play around down there and use your hands A LOT. Just stick a pinky in a bit. If she pushes you away, go back to step 2 and then add “I just want you to feel good…I love you girl!”
Step 4: Ease her in. *Remember*…it’s like doing el sexo with a virgin; you have to take it slow. If you go slow and make sure you’re not hurting her, you will totally seem like the sweet guy that really cares and not the pervy freak you really are who wants to stick his wang in places that children shouldn’t play.
If after all those steps followed, you get a pinky in 2nd knuckle deep…it’s GAME ON!! Your sweet gal is now ready for your brother’s toothbrush, dildos, squash, slug-like creatures, flags, de-thorned cacti, boom polls and maybe even a penis or two. WOO-HOO!!
But if all this fails, you may just be gay and you might want to turn to boys who DO want your D&*K in their ass. However, if you don’t have much time because you’re dying the next day or something, you can go the EASY route: just take a rag and dip it in some chloroform. Then, turn to your lady friend and say: “Hey hon, does this smell like chloroform to you?” Then go to town!!
The next morning when she wakes up, just tell her that YOUR ass hurts and you think that some ass-raping ninjas broke in and drugged you both and went to town on your bums. She may break up with you, but hey…look at the bright side: at least you can say you “Got more than a pinky up in dat shit”.
Shout out to Joe Knetter (horror author) for proving to me that the chloroform line really does work.
More very insightful-inspiring-interesting-intellectual stuff in a week or so.
Xoxoxoxo
The Shep