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Heroesemerge asks:
Hey, I wanna say first I’ve been a fan of yours since seeing Delta Delta Die! from way back in 02. I met you once at Chiller last Oct. How do you stay in such great shape?
Do you contribute it to good genes, eating healthy, or just the hectic go, go, go lifestyle of being an actor, that your always in motion so your basically exercising every day?
After that I open up my very heavy laptop and I answer all the “Wanted” ads on craigslist…for instance “WANTED…LARGE BLACK MAN TO SATISFY ALL MY SECRET DESIRES” I answer as Tyrone the Alabama black snake of Arizona and tell the seeker to meet me at a friends house at
10PM. …then I laugh and laugh and laugh as I hit send. See Heroesemerge “laughing’ can cause you to burn a shit-pile of calories!!!
Sooooo after my mailbox hike and my laughing I’m done for the day with my workout program. THEN it’s on to healthy eating. I drink a few more cups of coffee to get the blood flowing the right way then I may have a
Diet Coke or two…see this is very important as you want to get the FAKE
sugars – that way you can insure that you’ll get Alzheimer (best way to forget all the losers that I’ve… I mean YOU’VE married, divorced, didn’t marry etc.)
Next up an In and Out cheeseburger or something equally healthy and tasty….protein, dairy, carbs and if you want to go crazy you can get it with lettuce and some ketchup
to get some veggies in there. Now the really important part….go to the nearest local shit-hole bar (DRIVE DON’T WALK…you do not want to overexert yourself) and order a vodka soda WITH a lime.
See vodka has very few calories and the soda water is super healthy cause duh you dumb-ass it’s like water and I don’t think I have to tell you why limes are good for you and
voila. You’ve had a very productive day of exercise/good food and emails leading you to an overall healthy lifestyle. Bonus you can have like 7-11 vodka sodas and then puke up your ENTIRE days worth of calories…thus remaining skinny and beautiful.
Oh and yes it does help to have a great pair of jeans. Now I suppose I can make my life easier and just run around on film sets carrying weapons and fighting serial killer type people to stay in shape while eating mass amounts of craft service but that would just be gay.
Jeremy Morrison asks: Hey Tiffany, is nice to see your giving us your wisdom on Arrow. My “problem” is a little complicated, I like to wear woman’s clothes once every 10 or so days and go out like that to have some drinks and dance some salsa. What’s the problem?
My girl doesn’t understand me, and no, I’m not wearing her stuff, I buy my own. At first I was afraid to tell her, but one day I finally did and she freaked out, but in the end she didn’t leave me.
But she was ashamed of me and never go out with me if I’m on my feminine side. I tried to understand her and didn’t say anything, but the other day I brought a guy back home for a dirty ménage a trois, and she left home. She doesn’t want to come back, she tells me that I have to choose between my feminine side or her. I’m not gay or a tranny, is just something I have to do from time to time.
I really love her, so what do you think I can do to get her back? And especially what I can say to her so she can understand that I’m not into men, even if I want to have sex with them when I’m on my feminine side? Also, this is ludicrous, what kind of stockings are the best when you have hairy legs? Thanks!
Dear Jeremy Morrison. I hate to break it to you but …you have gotten yourself into quite the pickle. Why on God’s green earth would you tell her that you like to do this? I mean seriously …everybody knows that the best way to a healthy
and happy relationship is to always LIE.
How hard would it have been for you to say …”hey hun…I’m going on a manly trip with the boys…we’re going
fishing?” Then while she was busy making you “manly” sandwiches and packing the beer you could’ve snuck up to her panty drawer, stole the control top hoes and a blouse or two and been on your merry way to a tranny paradise for two. What the hell man/girl?? But I guess hindsight’s 20/20 right?
So you’ve told her and you’ve brought a dude home to play…and she’s left…hmmmmm. What to do, what to do? This is a tough one cause you want to keep the lady but still be free to be your tranny
loving, girl clothes wearing, freak flag flying self. I get it I do. So here’s what you’re gonna do. Get her back…flowers, diamonds, dinner etc. Tell her you made a mistake and that the whole COCK thing was just a faze and that you’re ready to be “THE MAN” again. She should buy it and be happy.
NOW comes the tricky part. Start noticing really hot chicks in movies what have super short hair. For example Faruza Balk in the
The Craft, Jamie Lee Curtis in Freaky Friday (tranny), Patrica Tallman in the NOTD remake, Tiffany Shepis in the
The Hazing, Helen Slater in “The Legend of Billy Jean” etc. Then convince her that only amazingly beautiful women can pull off the short hair thing and that if anybody can it’s HER.
Next thing you know she’ll be rocking the PINK haircut. Lucky for you!
NOW before she gets in to bed for the night ask her to put on the super sexy new ruby red lip gloss you bought her…then after you turn off the lights, kiss her deeply thus getting the ruby red stain on YOUR lips.
The flip her over (from behind – she should look like a 18 year old boy) and bang away.
Once she’s hot and heavy into it, slip on those pumps you had strategically placed on the side of the bed and GET YOUR FREAK ON! Everybody wins!!! You get to wear chick clothes/makeup and fuck a boy/girl and she has her manly man back.
HURRAY! Next time watch “Ed Wood” and stop wasting my time!!!!!
M Jonah Reapers asks: Tiffany, can potheads still be sexy? Best Regards!
trannies? Cool. Questions about weight-loss? Cool. Questions about anal sex? cool. Questions about my left knee?
cool. Are potheads sexy? super fucking un-cool!
You should go sit in your car in the garage…turn it on…listen to some Cypress Hill, chain-smoke some cigarettes, light up a spliff and contemplate your life. Shoot a fucking arrow through MY head if I have to read and reply to another dumb-ass question like this. Now ask me something smart like: Hey Tiff…are crack-heads sexy?
And my reply would be FUCK YEAH…crack-heads are super sexy!
They usually get government funding so you’ll never want for the welfare size jar of cheese.
They don’t eat much so YOU can use ALL the food-stamps. They stay nice and svelte, they shake a lot
– so sex can be like having a human vibrator. They don’t need to spend much on dental bills so you will always have extra cash for the kids AND they’ll suck a dick for a teeny tiny bag of rock. Life doesn’t get much sexier then that! So there you have it:
potheads NO crack-heads HELL YEAH! Oh and Dad please stop writing in to my column with this dumb stuff it’s just weird!
Thanks for the super smart questions guys….now I know who my audience/fanbase is…… out of shape tranny potheads….and we wonder why I’m not in mainstream movies…hmmmmm? See ya next time.- The Shep