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Tiff
sayz: Hey you crazy kids. So here I am again with yet another high-class,
high-brow, highly entertaining column….well not really, but it’s a great way to
waste 5 minutes. Remember YOU f*ckers are the ones writing these questions…sooooo
if you don’t like the answers…ASK BETTER SHIT!
Vinnie
Bernard asks: Tiff, what’s the best, foolproof way to get over an ex? I had my
heart ripped in half 6 months ago and I still think about her, and I hate it
when I catch myself thinking about her!! No matter what I do!!! No matter how
many horror movies I watch and imagine her getting butchered up!! Thanks Tiff!
Great column!!!
Hey
Vinnie. So, so sorry that the girl broke your heart and left you all alone in
this cold cruel lonely world while she’s out not thinking about you at all,
partying, winning lotteries, and sleeping with many many men that are way
better, cooler and richer then you. I truly am sorry. That being said here’s
how you get over the slut. I Dr. Shep prescribe:
DRUGS, BOOZE AND HOOKERS! Take a steady dose of these for 3-4 weeks and you
should be fine.
If your love disease is still bothering you then the only other option you have
is to …..KILL THE BITCH! You may still miss her and she may even in her dead
decaying state still think you’re the scum of the earth but just remember: “Dead
girls, don’t say NO”! You can totally have sex with her corpse AND she’ll be
with you all the time unable to leave you….again. Hope this helps.
Marcella Papandrea asks:
Hello Tiffany! I first want to say you are simply gorgeous, and my
question is: I have looked at some of your photos and I can’t help but notice
the fantastic spike heel boots you have on, I have a spike heel boot fetish, as
does my significant other (Me wearing them, him admiring me in them and so
forth) and I am always on the look out for new and interesting boots. So where
my dear do you get yours from? Where would you recommend? Any online stores?
Thank you very much!
Awww thanks
girl….I do love me some spike heeled boots. I buy them at many different
stores. My fav is a place called Foreplay in Hollywood CA on Hollywood blvd.
Another great place is
http://www.pinkstilettoshop.com/, they have GREAT prices and some really
dope stuff!
You can
always try your friendly neighborhood stripper store, usually even if they don’t
have the boots or shoes they will have a catalogue that you can go through with
pretty good prices. Or just do what I do….go down to the nearest “Ghetto” in
your neck of the woods late at night…and wear a disguise. When you pull up to
skid row ask the hooker in the best “boots” to get in and that you’ll pay her an
obscene amount for just a super quick “blow-job” (keep in mind that you’ll have
to pretend to be a man to pull this one off).
When said
hooker gets in, pull a sledge hammer out of the back seat and threaten to bash
her f*cking face in and then skull fuck her with your “pretend” penis if she
doesn’t’ give you the shoes. (MOST) of them will give them up without you
having to figure out a way to give a skid row hooker a header and WA LA…mama got
a new pair of boots.
KEEP
wearing those boots darling. * Remember* he will totally have no problem
watching “The Devil Wears Prada” with you if you’re wearing cheap ghetto hooker
boots and nothing else. Send us pix. Our readers would love to see how it all
worked out. *Reader take note: Febreeze boots before usage*
William asks: Some back story and exposition: I was an ARMY combat medic after
college (I didn’t feel like part of the world so I joined) and I have seen
things that I could only describe if I invented a new language.
Toddlers
torn by machete’s with their baby-fat pouring out of their wounds, babies
kicking within their dead mothers, parts missing off of people who should be
dead but they still walk around in a haze with their intestines dragging behind
them as they look to the sky. Things like this.
With what I’ve seen then, why/how can I still watch horror movies that by their
inherent nature make light of suffering and misery? Why are The Descent, 28
Days Later, and The Thing three of my favorite movies? I couldn’t touch my
niece and nephew for almost six months after my discharge yet I could watch
horror movies.
I’m about to have a son with my college sweetheart. I’m thirty as of this past
Monday. I have killed child soldiers. How can I tolerate and perhaps even
enjoy gore?
First off
Mr. Willy…Thank you for being a bad-ass super G.I Joe type!!! I LOVE America
and I LOVE me my boys that keep fighting for us (Super turned on just thinking
about it). That being said…YOU DA BOMB (no pun intended). I think people watch
horror films as an escape cause as you know first hand …there is nothing us
crappy horror film folk can dream up that would ever even slightly compare to
the horrors seen in real life (the news scares me more then any movie I can
rent).
It’s now
something that YOU can laugh at. Like as a child- horror icons like Freddy or
Jason or Pinhead may have f*cked you up. You may have had nightmares then ran in
to mom’s room cause you peed your bed but NOPE not anymore. You get to laugh in
the face of dudes that have scared people for years.
As for
having a child and knowing what you had to do for our country…obviously I have
NO first hand experience in this. All I know is that you did something- it was
your job and you helped keep millions of people safe. F*ck everything else that
shit right there will make your college sweetheart and your son very very
proud.
So keep
watching and enjoying horror films for whatever reason you do …as long as it
makes you happy and keeps you entertained and keeps me with a job. God bless
you, God bless America and God bless HORROR FILMS!
Thanks for
reading. *Free advice of the week* If you’re gonna cut your wrist …do that shit
the right way…VERTICALLY! – Dr. Shep