E-MAIL YOUR QUESTIONS TO TIFFANY HERE
Tiff
sayz: Hello my
dear darling readers! Oh how I missed you. I’ve had a very very busy week away
from you guys. Between my at home medical course I take for this website,
killing bitches in bad B movies, convention crap, family crap, reading my column
fan mail and then there’s my secret life as a smegma huntress.
I know I know
what you’re thinking “ewww Tiff that’s gross” and yes you’re right gross it is
that’s why I need to find all the un-cut cocks in the world and destroy them.
Now I’m not a cock racist- meaning I don’t only pick on skin covered wangs. I
wish a horrible hateful death on lots of different types of people and cocks.
For those of you that are a bit confused let me recap.
Last week on “Ask a
Scream Queen” a very
inquisitive reader wrote in “Dear Tiff, how do you like your cocks? Cut or
uncut?” I responded with a very charming, informative and honest answer
and well needless to say I got some very interesting “Fan” mail in response.
Here is an excerpt from one very educated reader:
”…despite what
Tiff wants people to think, we aren’t dirty or disgusting sub-humans just
because our parents thought holding a child down and mutilating their genitalia
due to some bullshit superstition or false science was barbaric.” “It’s
unfortunate some two-bit idiot (Referring to yours truly) can spew such garbage
that denigrates such a huge amount of people with impunity. If it had been a
rant about how redheads, or people with curly hair, or people with green eyes,
are awful and gross and should surgically alter themselves, it wouldn’t be
tolerated. But for some reason, this is. And now your website’s dead to me. “
So I now realized that some people just don’t
‘get it”. So in case I wasn’t clear let me list some things for you. The
following people should be destroyed:
1- People with
Un-cut cocks
2- People with Green Eyes 3- People with Curly hair 4- People with Mustaches 5- People that ate breakfast today 6- People that like to read 7- People that have
an Asian friend 8- People that have a cat 9- People that like Ice Cream 10- People
that have a family member with Cancer 11- People that wear eyeglasses 12- People
that have children/and the children of those people 13- People that eat soup 14- People that are over one hundred and twenty two pounds 15- People that have a
fax machine
16- People that have brown eyes 17- People that like to take baths
18- People that drink water 19- People that love Christmas 20- People that have
a white friend 21- People that have a name that starts or ends with S 22- People
that know how to use a yo-yo 23- People that wear ankle socks 24- People that
have any sort of limp 25- People that live in Minnesota, Arizona or Canada
26- People that twitter 27- People who get migraines 28- People who call all
soda’s “a coke” 29- People who work for T-Mobile 30- And anybody who IS or ever
WAS 24 years old.
The United Hates of
America
So next time any
of you want to get cunt-y cause I talked shit about your penis like I was
talking to you personally – make sure you go through this list first and find out
what else I don’t like about you so that way you can surgically alter the rest
of your body to fit the Shep Standard. Oh and just in case none of you
noticed…I’m a f*cking horror movie actress replying to brainiac questions like
“How do you like your cocks?”. I’m not writing for the NY TIMES, I‘m writing a
horror movie advice column for Arrow in the head you dumb f*ck. At least if
you’re gonna cry about what I write have the decency to write it in the comment
box so we can all read it and laugh and laugh and laugh together. Share bitch
– you learn that shit in kindergarten!!!!!!! That all being said, Enjoy the column
hopefully the editors don’t CUT too much out ; )
EmmaH
asks: You are described as a Scream Queen (some actresses consider it demeaning)
Do you have a problem with that term? Is it easy every day to be a Scream Queen?
(Actresses are often exploited and asked to do nudity)
Emma. I’ve never thought of being a Scream Queen as being “demeaning”. I mean do
you know how many out of work actors/actresses, waiter/waitresses, strippers and
escorts are sitting around waiting for their BIG BREAK? Like hundreds of
thousands. I’m thrilled to work as much as I do and if that involves being
called a “Scream Queen” then so be it.
I grew up loving and watching horror
movies, wanting to be the next Jamie Lee, Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens or
D-RO. These bitches were and ARE badass! Get covered in blood, kill or be killed
and get to run around doing all that while tripping and losing your
clothes…that shit’s just FUN! Now as much as I love the genre and love what
I do I wouldn’t exactly call it easy.
There are most often no
trailers no real money to be made and usually the most non-ideal of locations, so
you have to LOVE what you do. There are many pretty women out there and there
are tons of Hollywood douche-bags using the genre as a “stepping stone’ to get
into “real” movies, which makes it harder and harder to get jobs.
However
you’ll find a lot of those ”Hollywood” types are afraid of all the nudity
involved. As for me I feel the nudity is only exploitative if you don’t like or
want to do it. I obviously have no problem with it. I think naked women are
beautiful and sexy and should be shown off…but it’s not for everybody. I also
think there are only a handful of us that actually love the genre and LOVE the
fans and if that’s what the fans want to see I’ll give it to them. So f*ck that,
if I can be labeled something like a Scream Queen…then demeaning NO an honor
YES!
Sara T asks: Like the old saying goes: curiosity
killed the cat I am just curious to know if you slept with John Fallon and if he
was good. I saw
that picture of you two on the site, you look like you like each
other.
Sayz:
Well Sara- are
you his girlfriend? Cause if you are I would have to say NO! NO WAY! We’re
totally and completely just “friends” and he “pays me for my services”. Like
writing this crappy column *nudge nudge wink wink*. I swear we didn’t hook up
in 1993 at the air show in Columbus Ohio or again in 1997 in the back room at
the Baskin Robins he worked at over a case of Mint Chip.
And I totally NEVER
f*cked him in my storage unit at EZ STORE or at Comic Con while Ken Foree filmed
it OR in your bed while you were out shopping for cute hats for him for
Christmas. I would never ever do stuff like that. I also promise you that even
if I was to sleep
with him at any of those strange above mentioned places that I would NEVER NEVER
NEVER EVER like it… *read number 25 on the above list*
Josh M asks: So every time
I’m liquored up with friends we proceed to prank call people. What would advise
as the best way to go around that?
Josh you are asking the right girl. Ask anybody that knows me what is my favorite
thing to do while drinking! Okay besides driving and f*cking 😉 I’m the queen of
"prank call-age". There is no right or wrong when it comes to the master prank
call except having your story down before you call and being funny. That way if
the receiver wants to play along you will be ready to go. Also it’s good to have
multiple people ready to take over in case one of you start to break.
I really
like calling other horror movie actors and pretending to be bigger horror movie
directors offering them a job…that’s pretty fun. Or calling Esther Goodstein
(Producer of Nightmare Man) and asking “are you alone in the house bitch” That
one never gets old (reader note-her info is on Hollywood 411 if you want to try
it) …actually send me your number and I’ll call you and show you how its really
done. WORD!
So what have we learned this
week kids? Well absolutely nothing…but that’s OK our next column is sure to make
you cum, vomit and kill the guy who sits to the left of you at work- hopefully
all at the same time.
I hate you all…;)
Love and honor always, The Shep -“Cut that shit clean off with really large
fucking knife”
