EMAIL YOUR QUESTIONS TO TIFFANY HERE
Tiff
sayz:
YO! What up my lil nuggets? Here we are again. This week we have a different breed
of questions. I guess people wanted a change from our usual questions like
“what’s the best lube” or “what’s the best horror film to beat off too” or “how
do I lure my girl friend’s sister into the trunk of my car”. So you asked for
it… you got it. This week we are actually going to answer questions about
movies. Wow, how exciting. Oh and for those of you who liked the column the way
it was, we kept one douche-bag’s question.
Clayton
asks: Hi there, my name is Clayton. I was wondering if Tiffany has ever turned
down a film and why?
Hey
Clayton. Believe it or not I turn down many movies. There are several different
reasons why I would turn something down. Sometimes it has to do with the
content, sometimes it has to do with timing (like I have two shows to choose
from) and other times it has to do with $$$$$$$$. Example just the other day I
got an offer to do a part in a pretty cool movie. It had some genre names in it
and the money was good, however my scenes were short and had a TON of nudity and
sexual stuff. Now as we all know I’m not shy nor do I really care about the
nudity factor but I would like to have something else to do in a movie besides
show some skin. So I turned it down.
A few
months ago I got another script that DIDN’T have ANY nudity but had tons of rape
scenes and kids getting killed and while I have no problem with the whole
torture porn stuff or killing kittens and children in movies that one just sat
with me the wrong way. Kinda make me feel yucky after I read it. Now I had to
think about that one a bit because I was like “Wow this made me feel so f*cked
up by just reading this, maybe I should do it if it’s that impact-full”.
At the
end of the day I turned it down cause I try to make “FUN” movies even if they’re
bad…there was nothing fun there. Other times it’s purely a money thing. Like
I’ve done some BAAAAAAAD films and people say “why the f*ck would she do that?”
Well it’s simple they paid, Really well. So there you have it. I have turned
down many movies some which I shouldn’t have and some I’ve taken many which I should have
turned down.
Rafi asks:
Hello. I got married a month ago. I already want to cheat on my wife. Does that
mean that I am not in love? Should I get a divorce or just cheat and pray that I
don’t get caught?
Rafi? Seriously?
Anybody with the name “Rafi” should be thanking their lucky stars that ANYBODY
would want to sleep with them let alone marry them. Jeez and you’re the one
cheating? Wow what an odd world. Anyway cheating after a month of marriage is
just dumb. Here’s why. Numero uno if you have no pre-nup you can kiss your car,
house and dildos goodbye. That bitch will find out and rape you anally for
life. Number two, the first month of marriage is supposed to be the fun month.
Actually the first year should be great. That’s when you get to f*ck like
bunnies all throughout the house, do her in the garage, do her while she’s
cleaning the tub, gardening, making pot-roast, in the parking lot at church, in
your neighbor’s bathroom, in your storage closet, on road-trips (can you say road
head?), in your mother in-law’s bed, on the front lawn, in front of your bay
windows in broad daylight, have her blow you while your watching the game while
your friends are over, dude the possibilities of a new wife trying to please her
hubby are end-less. So you my friend are dumb, dumb, dumb.
Think
about it, that’s just the first year. By year two everything will start to get
old and then things really get interesting. That’s when you can suggest dirty
outfits for role playing (skid row hooker and pimp are good ones), you can get
a friend involved, make a porno (then sell that shit), use weird things on her
like a shower head, OR invite her mother into bed. The possibilities
are endless.
So my advice to you Rafi you cheating perv is take advantage of
this new union and f*ck your wife every which way and twice on Sunday and just
pretend she’s somebody else. When you get to year three divorce her and get your
self a new wife and start all over. Best of luck you cockroach oh and just so
you know…while you’re sitting here writing in to a column for advice on weather
or not you should cheat on your wife, she is not writing anybody she’s blowing
your best friend and swallowing that shit like it’s Kool-Aid. Take care.
Derek asks: I have seen almost all of your movies. Most are good and fun. The Hazing, Delta, Delta, Die!, and Abominable come to mind. But a few are really bad. Like almost unwatchable bad. Do the directors always think that the movie they are doing is actually good??? I know everyone has to start somewhere. But I sometimes wonder why anyone would put some much time into something they have to know isn’t good.
Derek, Derek, Derek… wow if I had a penny for how
many times I have asked that question myself, I’d have a lot of f*cking pennies.
Seriously I walk on to sets sometimes and go “Wow they really think this is
good???” YES they do. I cannot tell you how many times I heard “dude this shit
is bad-ass, mother f*ckers are gonna freak when they see this” and it’s some
piece of shit Friday the 13th rip off but with uglier people and they are using
mom’s pool instead of a lake.
The only thing I can say in their defense is it’s damn hard to make a movie.
Good OR bad. It’s hard and it takes many people with lots of time and money. So
in those moments when I’m like "damn dude we can make a movie about my left knee
and it would be more interesting than this crap", I have to slap myself and say
“f*ck at least they’re doing it”.
I mean remember when you were a child and you made a really stupid picture at
school and mom was like, wow that’s the best thing I’ve ever seen?
Well now bump that up with a
few grand and a movie, mom, dad, your aunt, uncle and best friends will think
it’s the coolest thing ever-thus the terrible film is made. Some z-grade
distributor will put it out cause they’re getting it for free and guess what? Me
and you and all the other horror peeps out there will rent, buy and watch it.
Crappy film-maker then pockets a few grand to make his next crap-fest. Put it
this way, they would not make them if nobody was watching them. So, more power
to these folks, keeps me in business and your shelves filled with bad movies.
So, thanks for watching the good ones and for tolerating/coming back after the
really, really awful ones. I just had this conversation with somebody at a
convention last week. They asked me “what the f*ck Tiff, so and so’s film was
sooooo terrible, why did you make that?” and the truth is; its not every day
that movies I like doing come around like “The Hazing”, “Abominable”, “Nightmare
Man”, “The Prometheus Project” and “Night Of The Demons”. So to avoid waiting
tables, hooking, organ selling and drug dealing I make shitty films. God bless
the crappy movies made in mom’s basements everywhere!!!!!
Tiff sayz: So there you go. This week we
didn’t just talk about sex we answered very “normal” questions. Now douche-bags
that hate on our usually funny column can be happy. Few (wipes brow) I was
getting nervous that nobody was going to read our gross, un-informative,
degrading sex column. Thank God for intelligent folk like Derek and Clayton and
their super smarty questions. YOU SAVED “ASK A SCREAM QUEEN”! See you
clock-suckers next time with talk about the problems with global warming and the
hungry children in Mumbai and how we at AITH can help them. Tiffany “The Shep”
Shepis (Good will Ambassador).